So far having a healthy pregnancy has been one of the most terrifying and complicated experiences of my life. Every misstep is hyper-dramatized. I am a crazy cautious new mom-- trying to do what is best for the baby and adhere to all the extreme guidelines. I read on forums tons of mothers who aren't scared of cold cuts or soft cheeses or even the occasional glass of wine. Those moms are not me. I am doing this by the book, actively choking down anything deemed baby superfood.
This is really hard if you have terrible morning sickness, which I have. morning, noon, night sickness. I feel like I am in the midst of the worst flu of my life with no end in site. Still I choke down the water and fruit and veggies, knowing they're bound to come back up half an hour later.
Its hard to be excited, or rather AS excited as everyone around you is when you feel like you are being killed from the inside out. So far the first trimester has proved to be an extremely trying experience.
For one, the doctors assume they don't need to be tender or cautious with women over the age of 18. When truth be told, its just as likely (if not more likely because they are entering this world informed) for them to be terrified of the experience too.
I am not terrified of gaining weight or how giving birth will feel. I am terrified of making a mistake and hurting my baby. But even more so, I am terrified of not making a mistake and losing my baby just the same. The odds of healthy and easy pregnancy are surprisingly not in your favor for how many children there are in this world.
Today i sent my condolences to two women on my pregnancy group who had lost their babies, and my heart aches for them. One had already announced it and I think it might be worse having to let everyone else down too rather than mourn in private.
When your pregnant, you don't just worry about the big stuff, you worry about every little thing. Oh no I slept on my back, that's bad for the baby! Oh no I had too much sugar or salt, that's bad for the baby! Oh no I am getting stressed! That is BAD for the baby! There are so many rules and guidelines to follow. I wonder which is worse, being really strict with yourself and having something go wrong? Or being really careless and having something go wrong?
I hear after the baby is born that I will miss being pregnant and that the pregnant time flew by. Right now, its crawling as I sip my ginger all and nibble on dry cereal and saltines, praying I can make it through the work day.
But the sickness tells you things are going well at least. The baby is measuring 2 months with a heart rate of 180 BPM so its looking good. Just 7 more months right? Just 4 weeks before I can tell people. I wonder if you ever begin to feel confident or safe in this? Maybe once the baby starts moving...but then again, there are other things to worry about.
Just don't worry, it's bad for the baby.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
230 Days to Health... baby.
Its been a while since I last posted and it wasn't because I was knocked down off my path to healthy, but rather that I was knocked up. I'm breaking the news here before have even posted it to my marriage blog "Paper Trails" because somehow it seems safer to talk about health efforts here than to talk about motherhood fears there. I guess all the extra careful attention I was paying to my health made my body feel that it was time to start a family. Needless to say, I've been dealing with a lot lately, between family, and work, and now this, I am more overwhelmed than I have been in a while. Still, I am determined to continue in my overall health goals, not just for me, but for the little one. I'm determined to double my efforts the remaining 230 days of my pregnancy and come out the other side healthier than before.
This experience has been terrifying thus far. I have another 5 weeks before I make it to the second trimester and announce this to more of my world. Until then, I may keep some of my posts private until I am ready to share and I am sure everything is going fine. Wish me or rather us luck!
This experience has been terrifying thus far. I have another 5 weeks before I make it to the second trimester and announce this to more of my world. Until then, I may keep some of my posts private until I am ready to share and I am sure everything is going fine. Wish me or rather us luck!
Thursday, October 17, 2013
The Onion
Choosing a healthy lifestyle is a layered experience. It is as much about tearing down as it is about building up and quite a few layers can be shed without obviously noticeable differences. Sometimes it is difficult to see the small variations because we are looking at something too close.
People are seeing changes in me. It is through their eyes that I am noticing the differences too. I guess its like peeling an onion. You can remove a number of layers but the onion will still be round. It is only when compared to its original self that immediate change can be seen. Self control is easier, not perfect, but not like climbing Everest. I have learned to be less emotional about the journey, which is great. There is a lot less need for support because habits are beginning to form. The small changes, a tighter tummy, a more defined waist and jaw line, these are victories that inspire further dedication and motivate me forward. I find myself contentedly working out alone and enjoying the time to challenge myself. Further, I am learning to be content wherever I am. I am not working out hard and looking for immediate shifts in my weight or looks. I am not desperately seeking a quick fix. I am now on the road to healthy.
I am learning what works best for me. I am still a looooooong way from where I want to be, but I know that there is forward momentum to this journey and I am learning to really appreciate the journey more than the destination. Life will pass us by so quickly if simply marked in destinations.
People are seeing changes in me. It is through their eyes that I am noticing the differences too. I guess its like peeling an onion. You can remove a number of layers but the onion will still be round. It is only when compared to its original self that immediate change can be seen. Self control is easier, not perfect, but not like climbing Everest. I have learned to be less emotional about the journey, which is great. There is a lot less need for support because habits are beginning to form. The small changes, a tighter tummy, a more defined waist and jaw line, these are victories that inspire further dedication and motivate me forward. I find myself contentedly working out alone and enjoying the time to challenge myself. Further, I am learning to be content wherever I am. I am not working out hard and looking for immediate shifts in my weight or looks. I am not desperately seeking a quick fix. I am now on the road to healthy.
I am learning what works best for me. I am still a looooooong way from where I want to be, but I know that there is forward momentum to this journey and I am learning to really appreciate the journey more than the destination. Life will pass us by so quickly if simply marked in destinations.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
A momentary check in
So I've been painfully short on time, which has tragically kept me from checking in as often as I would like. The sleep experiment is coming along adequately. I have found that the valerian root tea is amazing, but leaves me groggy in the mornings, the mouth guard will take a lot more practice, the breathing exercises are wonderful, but so easy to overlook and bypass when time is an issue, but the breath right strips are an ineffective gimmick.
I'm still pushing through my morning workouts. I switched my routine and found that I had worked myself too hard on Monday which resulted in a rather achy and miserable past two days. Nevertheless, I worked through that pain and continued my workouts and my walking.
My eating is a bit more in control, but my stress level is still through the roof. I am hoping the carousel slows down so I can get off it soon and feel I am moving forward more. Nearly at the 50 day mark. Thinking 200 days wont be enough... We'll see.
I'm still pushing through my morning workouts. I switched my routine and found that I had worked myself too hard on Monday which resulted in a rather achy and miserable past two days. Nevertheless, I worked through that pain and continued my workouts and my walking.
My eating is a bit more in control, but my stress level is still through the roof. I am hoping the carousel slows down so I can get off it soon and feel I am moving forward more. Nearly at the 50 day mark. Thinking 200 days wont be enough... We'll see.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
The A-B-C's of Zzzzzzs
A lot of this blog has talked about diet and exercise and stress. All of these are fundamental obstacles to my overall health. As I begin to tackle them I realize that managing my health isn't simply like finding a combination on a combination lock, rather it is layered like an onion. Each of these layers is riddled with a cause and effect scenario.
Do I stress because I don't exercise enough or do I not exercise enough because I'm stressed?
Does my intake hurt my output or vice versa?
The truth is everything about one's health is a push pull effect. I am stressed and don't eat well, because I am not working out enough. I am not working out enough or eating well because I am stressed. Eating poorly is the reason I am stressed and have no energy to work out. Understanding my health is like solving the mystery of the chicken versus the egg. Which came first? Did they both arrive together.
A couple big hurdles to my health and well being are my sleep issues. Poor sleep causes a lack of energy (yeah, duh) but also lowers one's will power, makes one feel hungrier, leads to weight gain, and makes one prone to depression and anxiety.
Up until this point, other than "trying to get more sleep" I havent really done much to address my issues. I inherited a lot from my dad: His keen sense of observation, his analytical mind, his drive towards excellence. I also inherited his insomnia and his sleep apnea. Like my dad, I haven't done much to approach the problem aside from being prescribed sleeping pills as a teenager. I didn't like the way they felt or having to rely on a chemical to get rest, so I didn't continue taking them.
I've been considering what I eat and when I work out in terms of sleep, but that hasn't made much effect. I am beginning to wonder if my sleepless is, after all, more of the cause than the effect.
Now that the exercising has become second nature, I have decided to tackle sleep rather than food. I know throughout my life whenever I've been rested I have had a ton of energy and self control and dropped inches fast. I also know that I go through bouts of poor sleep that last months at a time.
I'm a functional zombie.
I've tried meditative music and yoga. My trouble is definitely staying asleep long enough for my body to really repair itself. Most nights the best sleep I get is after 5:00am, which isn't good if one still works in the morning.
My apnea is less consistent than my insomnia. It really only comes out in full force when I've been suffering from sleeplessness and anxiety. This is not to say it isn't there, just that its less severe when I am not stressed. One of the symptoms of mild apnea is repeated awakenings throughout the evening-- that totally happens even when it has been months since I've woken up gasping for air.
Anyhow, I decided to experiment with ways to sleep better. I've invested in some mildly calming organic bedtime tea, a good sleep guided meditation, a jaw guard to help keep my airways from collapsing (I'm petrified of this), some breathright strips for the same reason, and Frolov's breathing device to help me strengthen my lunch capacity.
I know this must seem excessive, but for anyone who has ever spent 85% of their nights tossing and turning, you don't know how frustrating it is to not sleep, when sleeping should be the easiest thing in the world.
Hopefully, once I retrain myself to rest, the clean diet and low stress lifestyle will be accomplishable, but deep down I know, unless I am able to rest, I'll never truly be able to be healthy.
Do I stress because I don't exercise enough or do I not exercise enough because I'm stressed?
Does my intake hurt my output or vice versa?
The truth is everything about one's health is a push pull effect. I am stressed and don't eat well, because I am not working out enough. I am not working out enough or eating well because I am stressed. Eating poorly is the reason I am stressed and have no energy to work out. Understanding my health is like solving the mystery of the chicken versus the egg. Which came first? Did they both arrive together.
A couple big hurdles to my health and well being are my sleep issues. Poor sleep causes a lack of energy (yeah, duh) but also lowers one's will power, makes one feel hungrier, leads to weight gain, and makes one prone to depression and anxiety.
Up until this point, other than "trying to get more sleep" I havent really done much to address my issues. I inherited a lot from my dad: His keen sense of observation, his analytical mind, his drive towards excellence. I also inherited his insomnia and his sleep apnea. Like my dad, I haven't done much to approach the problem aside from being prescribed sleeping pills as a teenager. I didn't like the way they felt or having to rely on a chemical to get rest, so I didn't continue taking them.
I've been considering what I eat and when I work out in terms of sleep, but that hasn't made much effect. I am beginning to wonder if my sleepless is, after all, more of the cause than the effect.
Now that the exercising has become second nature, I have decided to tackle sleep rather than food. I know throughout my life whenever I've been rested I have had a ton of energy and self control and dropped inches fast. I also know that I go through bouts of poor sleep that last months at a time.
I'm a functional zombie.
I've tried meditative music and yoga. My trouble is definitely staying asleep long enough for my body to really repair itself. Most nights the best sleep I get is after 5:00am, which isn't good if one still works in the morning.
My apnea is less consistent than my insomnia. It really only comes out in full force when I've been suffering from sleeplessness and anxiety. This is not to say it isn't there, just that its less severe when I am not stressed. One of the symptoms of mild apnea is repeated awakenings throughout the evening-- that totally happens even when it has been months since I've woken up gasping for air.
Anyhow, I decided to experiment with ways to sleep better. I've invested in some mildly calming organic bedtime tea, a good sleep guided meditation, a jaw guard to help keep my airways from collapsing (I'm petrified of this), some breathright strips for the same reason, and Frolov's breathing device to help me strengthen my lunch capacity.
I know this must seem excessive, but for anyone who has ever spent 85% of their nights tossing and turning, you don't know how frustrating it is to not sleep, when sleeping should be the easiest thing in the world.
Hopefully, once I retrain myself to rest, the clean diet and low stress lifestyle will be accomplishable, but deep down I know, unless I am able to rest, I'll never truly be able to be healthy.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Second Nature
They say the hardest part about weight loss is the maintenance. They say the hardest part about getting healthy is the first few steps of making a decision to BE healthy. I agree with both these arguments. The problem in both cases is habit. Breaking a habit and reverting back to a habit.
On the breaking a habit point, the thing that hurts the most is self judgement. When taking the first baby steps to a healthy lifestyle, one becomes hyper aware of themselves and the way that people might perceive them. I've been known to tone down a work out or two or eat something I shouldn't because I didn't want to be seen as the girl on a diet. I didn't want that judgement to weigh on my shoulders because I was already judging myself.
Once you meet a goal, the issue moves from judgement to complacency. Lets face it, our most unhealthy habits are the most comfortable. Like slipping into a threadbare t-shirt and sweats. Does it look good? No. Does it feel great? Sure. Because it is easy.
Change is always a struggle. So it is important not to see the journey in terms of failure or success. It shouldn't have a beginning or end. There shouldn't be an accomplishable goal because that is simply setting yourself up for failure. Instead change should be part of a metamorphosis. A new way of life, that you are continually growing and learning about. You can never admit to yourself that you did a good job, because the result will be complacency. Instead, I am learning that the journey is unending and the further I go the more I will understand and the more I will realize I still don't know. This is the heart of dedication.
On the breaking a habit point, the thing that hurts the most is self judgement. When taking the first baby steps to a healthy lifestyle, one becomes hyper aware of themselves and the way that people might perceive them. I've been known to tone down a work out or two or eat something I shouldn't because I didn't want to be seen as the girl on a diet. I didn't want that judgement to weigh on my shoulders because I was already judging myself.
Once you meet a goal, the issue moves from judgement to complacency. Lets face it, our most unhealthy habits are the most comfortable. Like slipping into a threadbare t-shirt and sweats. Does it look good? No. Does it feel great? Sure. Because it is easy.
Change is always a struggle. So it is important not to see the journey in terms of failure or success. It shouldn't have a beginning or end. There shouldn't be an accomplishable goal because that is simply setting yourself up for failure. Instead change should be part of a metamorphosis. A new way of life, that you are continually growing and learning about. You can never admit to yourself that you did a good job, because the result will be complacency. Instead, I am learning that the journey is unending and the further I go the more I will understand and the more I will realize I still don't know. This is the heart of dedication.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Dear Wagon, I'm still on you!
I am not one of those people who should be allowed cheat days. Cheat days or meals or even snacks have a snowballing impact on my bad behavior. So, in so much as possible, I have remained "Good".
Good doesn't always yield results and therefore, good can be frustrating.
I really have kicked up working out a notch, which in turn has resulted in my routine beginning to feel too easy. Just as I form a habit the habit itself becomes a crutch. I feel that the longer I work out, the more often I am "dialing it in" so I need to find something that offers the right amount of stick-to-it-ness and challenge.
I've come to grips with the fact that changing my evening meal is like climbing Everest. I thought maybe more practical steps were the way to go. This last week, in spite of a crazy work schedule, I have been focusing on relaxation and better sleep. I am incorporating more yoga and meditation into my life and trying to get to bed earlier so I can wake up earlier and be productive. Insomnia has always been a challenge but if I can conquer insomnia it will be that much easier to control my diet as lack of sleep has been tied to hunger and weight gain.
Anyhow, work is still a madhouse so I'll have to write more soon.
Good doesn't always yield results and therefore, good can be frustrating.
I really have kicked up working out a notch, which in turn has resulted in my routine beginning to feel too easy. Just as I form a habit the habit itself becomes a crutch. I feel that the longer I work out, the more often I am "dialing it in" so I need to find something that offers the right amount of stick-to-it-ness and challenge.
I've come to grips with the fact that changing my evening meal is like climbing Everest. I thought maybe more practical steps were the way to go. This last week, in spite of a crazy work schedule, I have been focusing on relaxation and better sleep. I am incorporating more yoga and meditation into my life and trying to get to bed earlier so I can wake up earlier and be productive. Insomnia has always been a challenge but if I can conquer insomnia it will be that much easier to control my diet as lack of sleep has been tied to hunger and weight gain.
Anyhow, work is still a madhouse so I'll have to write more soon.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Lets kick this up a notch!
I still find myself favoring the exercise over the diet, despite the fact that I completely understand that weight is 80/20 in diet's favor. I am officially 1 month into this experiment and still surprised by how much I am learning about myself. A friends wedding is in just over 300 days so I am toying with continuing the logged and active dedication for 300 days... But I am hoping that by 200 days it will simply be a lifestyle rather than an active effort. I guess what I am saying is that, after 200 days, if I still find this to be an physical and psychological struggle, then I will extend the time and continue the metamorphosis to self awareness and personal responsibility for my health and well being.
Diet is such an extreme struggle. just recognizing my triggers is a feat, but recognizing them doesn't automatically mean tackling them. Baby steps I suppose.
My workout has definitely been taken up a notch, opting to bookend my day with at least half an hour in the mornings or the evenings, often stretching much further than an hour a day. I feel sore. But not so sore that I cant continue. I'm not minding sweating as much because my face seems to greatly appreciate the sweat bath, looking more glowing and youthful. I'm getting a little vain and enjoying what a pretty girl I am underneath all the stress and self damage. Its exciting to see the small changes. I am definitely losing (yes the word is losing not loosing as the internet believes) weight from the top down and really seeing changes on my face, neck, and upper waist. I never lose my boobs, thankfully for the hubby. I am DYING to lose the extra that I carry on my lower waist hips and thighs as that will greatly improve my wardrobe.
I would like to believe that this process isn't one of punishment and reward, but that the action is the reward in itself, but lets face it, I'm still a child and need to be reminded I am good. As such, hubby has promised me a shopping spree for new clothes at my halfway point and I am imagining looking forward to shopping. That in itself will be a major shift in my life.
Diet is such an extreme struggle. just recognizing my triggers is a feat, but recognizing them doesn't automatically mean tackling them. Baby steps I suppose.
My workout has definitely been taken up a notch, opting to bookend my day with at least half an hour in the mornings or the evenings, often stretching much further than an hour a day. I feel sore. But not so sore that I cant continue. I'm not minding sweating as much because my face seems to greatly appreciate the sweat bath, looking more glowing and youthful. I'm getting a little vain and enjoying what a pretty girl I am underneath all the stress and self damage. Its exciting to see the small changes. I am definitely losing (yes the word is losing not loosing as the internet believes) weight from the top down and really seeing changes on my face, neck, and upper waist. I never lose my boobs, thankfully for the hubby. I am DYING to lose the extra that I carry on my lower waist hips and thighs as that will greatly improve my wardrobe.
I would like to believe that this process isn't one of punishment and reward, but that the action is the reward in itself, but lets face it, I'm still a child and need to be reminded I am good. As such, hubby has promised me a shopping spree for new clothes at my halfway point and I am imagining looking forward to shopping. That in itself will be a major shift in my life.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Polarity
Change is not easy, especially when that change is rooted to something as deep as perception. I have found that the first tenth of my experiment has taught me the highs and lows of this process. It is strange to reflect on this bi-polar existence of dogged determination counterpointed with equal bouts of elation and desolation. I find my motivation varies to the extreme minute to minute. One moment I can be pumped and having fun and working out and focused, the next I am depressed and lethargic and willing to throw in the towel.
This morning I was proud an encouraged following a long and intense workout, than I was angry and irritated by what I had not accomplished in my house because I was busy working out, then I went to shower and was certain I could see the physical changes in my face and body of nearly a month of focused dedication to fitness and active efforts on diet most days, then 20 minutes later the illusion was shattered when I discovered my too small pants were still too small.
The extreme emotional ups and downs are tiresome. The accomplishments in point of view are encouraging, but not sustainable. Still, maybe I need to look at this differently too. Maybe these emotional extremes are not a sign of being unbalanced or that the highs are unsustainable, maybe instead I should view it as the same way a snake sheds its skin. Maybe the moments of elation and determination is the new skin peeking through the dead skin I am sloughing off. I hope so. Because I would like to believe self confidence is something more balanced and less fleeting.
This experiment is a game, and who quits after stage 1 of Mario bros because the Goombas were too hard? I just need to wait out this polarity a little longer and hopefully in the next 25 days or so I will see a shift to more of the positive and less of the seesawing.
One can only hope.
This morning I was proud an encouraged following a long and intense workout, than I was angry and irritated by what I had not accomplished in my house because I was busy working out, then I went to shower and was certain I could see the physical changes in my face and body of nearly a month of focused dedication to fitness and active efforts on diet most days, then 20 minutes later the illusion was shattered when I discovered my too small pants were still too small.
The extreme emotional ups and downs are tiresome. The accomplishments in point of view are encouraging, but not sustainable. Still, maybe I need to look at this differently too. Maybe these emotional extremes are not a sign of being unbalanced or that the highs are unsustainable, maybe instead I should view it as the same way a snake sheds its skin. Maybe the moments of elation and determination is the new skin peeking through the dead skin I am sloughing off. I hope so. Because I would like to believe self confidence is something more balanced and less fleeting.
This experiment is a game, and who quits after stage 1 of Mario bros because the Goombas were too hard? I just need to wait out this polarity a little longer and hopefully in the next 25 days or so I will see a shift to more of the positive and less of the seesawing.
One can only hope.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Birthdays and more
So amazingly its been about 3 weeks since I started this weight loss challenge with my mom and I'm still at point zero. I had lost half a pound but gained it right back over the next two weeks. I went on a camping trip and didn't want to miss out on the fun that comes along with camping, which includes eating chips and salsa while playing cards against humanity, making smores with jumbo sized marshmallows around the campfire and eating a hearty size meal after a hike or a game of wiffle ball. Someone even said during the trip "I love camping, all you do is eat." It was both hilarious and true, and while I realize camping is what you want to make out of it most of us want to enjoy the snacks. Then the following week came my birthday, and it became a birthday weekend celebration with a special family dinner on Friday, all day Universal Studios fun and eating on Saturday and a what-the-hell-I'll-eat-what I want Sunday. I've snapped out of it now, and honestly I don't regret eating the campfire smores, the home made cheese pie my mom made for my bday, or the churro that I ate on my actually bday at Universal, but I do realize I sacrificed 3 weeks of time. Point is you can have the smore, but not have 2 or 3 more because you already had 1. That's where I went wrong. I gave myself permission to go insane with the food instead of just enjoying a sensible portion of it. Some are very dedicated and would never indulge, not even on their birthdays or celebrations, but I'm not one of those people. No regrets, so I'm off to the gym right NOW!
The Green Eyed Monster
Have you ever allowed jealousy to derail your progress? I think this tends to be one of my cardinal sins. I wish I was built in a fashion that someone else's successes didn't feel like they were a direct reflection on me. It isn't that I begrudge those doing better than me or have it easier than me their happiness, but as I stated yesterday, I must subconsciously enjoy punishing myself. And, if it isn't punishment I am seeking, its definitely justifying my failure. I could have succeeded but...a..b...c.. and so on.
I wish I were one of those people motivated by jealousy. I wish I had an "I'll show them attitude" because that would definitely push forward my focus.
I get very lonely trying to change and seeing other people succeed while I am missing the feeling of support. My Hubby supports me a little by trying to catch 15 minutes of exercise with me in the morning. Since I shoot for 30-45 that still leaves more than half of my time alone. Then I walk, alone, to work. Then I try to figure out dinner, which also leaves me feeling alone, because it just isn't an issue to anyone else in my household.
When I reflect on the changes I am making, I wish I looked to others I knew who have succeeded as inspiring. But it gets me sad when these people who have finally succeeded are the same ones who let me down when we tried to work out and get healthy together. They were the ones who complained about exercise or suggested we eat out. So eventually I got tired of being their cheer leader when they weren't mine.
One of these friends was recently doing a fundraising event so that his friends would contribute to his subsequent plastic surgery. I mentioned that we should start our exercise routine again, because I needed the extra motivation and he looked at me confused because to him, I was the most motivated person he knew to do this. Its stupid, but you don't know someone's personal internal struggles. On the outside they may seem fine or motivated, but inside, they may be a discouraged wreck. I didn't clarify. I didn't share my feelings of doubt or guilt that everyone has left me behind.
Another friend I have avoided hanging out with, she is a super nice person, but I remember spending a ton of time and effort trying to encourage her to just go for a walk with me. I guess you can see I was always a little desperate for companionship in this journey. Well after months and years of excuses, her family finally sent her to an all expense paid (we're talking six digits here buddy) fitness and health retreat for a year. And of course, now she is in a way better place physically and mentally than me and I am ashamed to see her. I can qualify it with, if I had a year to focus on nothing but getting healthy with personal trainers and nutritionists around the clock, I would probably be there too. But I am not privileged. And in turn I want to punish myself by binging and hanging my head in shame.
Jealousy is a bitch.
One good thing is now, nearly a month into my grand experiment, exercise is part of my lifestyle and I am beginning to see small changes around my face and my mid section. I haven't had the big inch drop and I haven't been brave or stupid enough to weigh myself again. I am getting jiggly fat, which as I understand from fitness blogs is when you have burned off part of the fat cells and they are temporarily filled with water as a "place holder" which your body soon expels and you notice both inch and lbs lost. I am praying this is true rather than believing that working out is somehow making my flab more flabby.
I'm still trying to reprogram my eating habits. Trying to eat until satisfied versus eat until full. Its harder than it looks.
I wish I were one of those people motivated by jealousy. I wish I had an "I'll show them attitude" because that would definitely push forward my focus.
I get very lonely trying to change and seeing other people succeed while I am missing the feeling of support. My Hubby supports me a little by trying to catch 15 minutes of exercise with me in the morning. Since I shoot for 30-45 that still leaves more than half of my time alone. Then I walk, alone, to work. Then I try to figure out dinner, which also leaves me feeling alone, because it just isn't an issue to anyone else in my household.
When I reflect on the changes I am making, I wish I looked to others I knew who have succeeded as inspiring. But it gets me sad when these people who have finally succeeded are the same ones who let me down when we tried to work out and get healthy together. They were the ones who complained about exercise or suggested we eat out. So eventually I got tired of being their cheer leader when they weren't mine.
One of these friends was recently doing a fundraising event so that his friends would contribute to his subsequent plastic surgery. I mentioned that we should start our exercise routine again, because I needed the extra motivation and he looked at me confused because to him, I was the most motivated person he knew to do this. Its stupid, but you don't know someone's personal internal struggles. On the outside they may seem fine or motivated, but inside, they may be a discouraged wreck. I didn't clarify. I didn't share my feelings of doubt or guilt that everyone has left me behind.
Another friend I have avoided hanging out with, she is a super nice person, but I remember spending a ton of time and effort trying to encourage her to just go for a walk with me. I guess you can see I was always a little desperate for companionship in this journey. Well after months and years of excuses, her family finally sent her to an all expense paid (we're talking six digits here buddy) fitness and health retreat for a year. And of course, now she is in a way better place physically and mentally than me and I am ashamed to see her. I can qualify it with, if I had a year to focus on nothing but getting healthy with personal trainers and nutritionists around the clock, I would probably be there too. But I am not privileged. And in turn I want to punish myself by binging and hanging my head in shame.
Jealousy is a bitch.
One good thing is now, nearly a month into my grand experiment, exercise is part of my lifestyle and I am beginning to see small changes around my face and my mid section. I haven't had the big inch drop and I haven't been brave or stupid enough to weigh myself again. I am getting jiggly fat, which as I understand from fitness blogs is when you have burned off part of the fat cells and they are temporarily filled with water as a "place holder" which your body soon expels and you notice both inch and lbs lost. I am praying this is true rather than believing that working out is somehow making my flab more flabby.
I'm still trying to reprogram my eating habits. Trying to eat until satisfied versus eat until full. Its harder than it looks.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Hello, I love you.
I forget how important loving oneself is in a journey to a healthier place. I often forget that step. I am usually great at loving other people-- tending to their needs, praising their accomplishments, but somehow, I expend any love I should have had for myself on them. I'm really talented in punishing myself, however. Which makes for a bad concoction for motivation.
I'm trying to fall in love with myself again, despite the stress or anxiety, or even the jealousy of my friends and acquaintances that these lifestyle choices come easy for. I find myself comparing their successes to my failures, as though that is grounds to punish myself.
I should be loving myself. I should be celebrating my victories and counting my blessings. If I could just do that, I can accomplish anything.
I'm trying to fall in love with myself again, despite the stress or anxiety, or even the jealousy of my friends and acquaintances that these lifestyle choices come easy for. I find myself comparing their successes to my failures, as though that is grounds to punish myself.
I should be loving myself. I should be celebrating my victories and counting my blessings. If I could just do that, I can accomplish anything.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Hello Darkness My Old Friend
Hello. Is anybody out there?
As you can probably tell, I'm still alive. My week had continued in the same vein as my last post with too much stress and drama, and not enough time or energy left to focus on myself. I did not, by any means, have my eating under control throughout my busy week of putting out fires, but at least I only binged once or twice. Even a small failure is a victory. By Sunday, (Saturday night even), though still dealing with drama I was able to regain control and to make more reasonable decisions. I think good food, like a roller coaster, or a vacation, serves a a distraction from the strain and stress of your day to day life. When you bite into a good eggroll or cheese cake, for a split second, the explosion of senses the flavor, the texture, the taste, the smell, all crowd out whatever else may be going on. Binge eating in a way is trying to force yourself into prolonged distraction, because when you stop shoving items into your mouth, you are forced to come to terms with what is really the matter... worse yet, you are forced to do so through the guilt of what you had just done.
I didn't feel guilty, guilt merely perpetuates the cycle. Instead I acknowledged it and used it to motivate adjusting myself back on track.
This week has to be better, right?
As you can probably tell, I'm still alive. My week had continued in the same vein as my last post with too much stress and drama, and not enough time or energy left to focus on myself. I did not, by any means, have my eating under control throughout my busy week of putting out fires, but at least I only binged once or twice. Even a small failure is a victory. By Sunday, (Saturday night even), though still dealing with drama I was able to regain control and to make more reasonable decisions. I think good food, like a roller coaster, or a vacation, serves a a distraction from the strain and stress of your day to day life. When you bite into a good eggroll or cheese cake, for a split second, the explosion of senses the flavor, the texture, the taste, the smell, all crowd out whatever else may be going on. Binge eating in a way is trying to force yourself into prolonged distraction, because when you stop shoving items into your mouth, you are forced to come to terms with what is really the matter... worse yet, you are forced to do so through the guilt of what you had just done.
I didn't feel guilty, guilt merely perpetuates the cycle. Instead I acknowledged it and used it to motivate adjusting myself back on track.
This week has to be better, right?
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Of Sour Notes and Bitter Pills
Halfway through the week and I have failed to post more than this one blog. It has been an incredibly trying week. From Sunday morning this week has been riddled with stress and disasters. Halfway though, I am licking my wounds and trying to muster the energy to move forward. Once I make it though, I will be stronger for it, won't I?
Saturday was incredibly busy with family and friend obligation dragging us all over the Inland Empire and Los Angeles County. We ended last week on a relatively manic note which was a prelude to what this week had in store.
The week began with a frantic phone call to my mother. It seems my grandmother has been doing very poorly. She is in her mid-late 90s and stubborn as a mule and dealing with depression. She has decided to punish my grandfather, who suffers from Parkinson's, for being lazy by refusing to leave the couch and refusing to eat or drink for a week. All my Sunday plans were dropped in order to deal with this. My husband was a wonderful support in the endeavor. We had to forgo our plans to get outdoors or to work on personal projects. We even forwent on our necessary errands such as grocery shopping and laundry in order to help deal with the crisis. While the crisis has not completely subsided, we were able to get some food into her and schedule a next mini intervention. She is stubborn and refuses to live closer to her children who can offer assistance or even in a retirement environment. She values her autonomy, yet is stubborn enough to basically allow herself to become suicidal in order to punish those around her.
We made it home late enough that there wasn't time or energy to go to the store which has translated into some poor food options for the subsequent days out of convenience. There poor options in turn are wrecking havoc on my system and making it hard to get the rest I so desperately need after the weekend's endeavors. I am utterly disappointed in myself. I feel like I am failing at life today.
Work has been an absolute mess, with one of the "fixes" our new web developers have implemented ended up crashing our database which left me scrambling after hours trying to put our client fires and pin-point exactly what was causing the issue. By the time I head home I am completely defeated, and, of course forced to work extra from home as many of the fires were still kindling. On top of this, there is a teeter tottering with me and our web guys where they are constantly claiming "fixed" only for me to find the issues are still there and requiring me to repeat myself 4 or 5 times before the issues are actually addressed. Its a process I suppose.
Hubby's work has also been giving him the run around and it is rare for him to work an 8 hour day, often clocking 10 hours plus off the clock phone calls, so I can't rely on him to pick up my slack.
My brother is also not doing well depression wise, and this is making me concerned for his well being at the cost of my own. I play the role of the fixer in my family-- the person who is available in a pinch to manage whatever issues may arise. It can be exhausting.
I've come home ravenous and anxious and exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically the last few days. I have not even come close to maintaining my nutrition goals. On top of that, I seem to be getting added stress from friends whose good intentions have a negative impact on my current fragile psychological state. "You know the risk of Downs increases greatly if you get pregnant after 30, so you better not wait too long." *sigh* Innocent statements are weighing me down. There is just too much pressure in my world right now and I am so very tired.
My friend and mentor Saul Landau passed away yesterday. This political giant greatly influenced my life course and a big part of me is heart broken we hadn't gotten an opportunity to reconnect recently. I would never have gone into film or left my position at Cal Poly Pomona if it hadn't been at his urging. He had so much faith in me and was such an inspiration in my life. I miss him immensely. This news is also weighing me down.
The week is only half done, and I need to come up for air soon. I cannot continue to pretend to be swimming along fine. If you keep pretending, how can you tell if you're drowning?
My saving grace is that I have maintained my workout routine consistently in spite of the pressure. It hasn't exactly energized me, but I am happy I am not letting everything slip to the wayside. Got to trudge forward, if I keep kicking and remembering to breath I should make it out of these rough waters, won't I?
Saturday was incredibly busy with family and friend obligation dragging us all over the Inland Empire and Los Angeles County. We ended last week on a relatively manic note which was a prelude to what this week had in store.
The week began with a frantic phone call to my mother. It seems my grandmother has been doing very poorly. She is in her mid-late 90s and stubborn as a mule and dealing with depression. She has decided to punish my grandfather, who suffers from Parkinson's, for being lazy by refusing to leave the couch and refusing to eat or drink for a week. All my Sunday plans were dropped in order to deal with this. My husband was a wonderful support in the endeavor. We had to forgo our plans to get outdoors or to work on personal projects. We even forwent on our necessary errands such as grocery shopping and laundry in order to help deal with the crisis. While the crisis has not completely subsided, we were able to get some food into her and schedule a next mini intervention. She is stubborn and refuses to live closer to her children who can offer assistance or even in a retirement environment. She values her autonomy, yet is stubborn enough to basically allow herself to become suicidal in order to punish those around her.
We made it home late enough that there wasn't time or energy to go to the store which has translated into some poor food options for the subsequent days out of convenience. There poor options in turn are wrecking havoc on my system and making it hard to get the rest I so desperately need after the weekend's endeavors. I am utterly disappointed in myself. I feel like I am failing at life today.
Work has been an absolute mess, with one of the "fixes" our new web developers have implemented ended up crashing our database which left me scrambling after hours trying to put our client fires and pin-point exactly what was causing the issue. By the time I head home I am completely defeated, and, of course forced to work extra from home as many of the fires were still kindling. On top of this, there is a teeter tottering with me and our web guys where they are constantly claiming "fixed" only for me to find the issues are still there and requiring me to repeat myself 4 or 5 times before the issues are actually addressed. Its a process I suppose.
Hubby's work has also been giving him the run around and it is rare for him to work an 8 hour day, often clocking 10 hours plus off the clock phone calls, so I can't rely on him to pick up my slack.
My brother is also not doing well depression wise, and this is making me concerned for his well being at the cost of my own. I play the role of the fixer in my family-- the person who is available in a pinch to manage whatever issues may arise. It can be exhausting.
I've come home ravenous and anxious and exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically the last few days. I have not even come close to maintaining my nutrition goals. On top of that, I seem to be getting added stress from friends whose good intentions have a negative impact on my current fragile psychological state. "You know the risk of Downs increases greatly if you get pregnant after 30, so you better not wait too long." *sigh* Innocent statements are weighing me down. There is just too much pressure in my world right now and I am so very tired.
My friend and mentor Saul Landau passed away yesterday. This political giant greatly influenced my life course and a big part of me is heart broken we hadn't gotten an opportunity to reconnect recently. I would never have gone into film or left my position at Cal Poly Pomona if it hadn't been at his urging. He had so much faith in me and was such an inspiration in my life. I miss him immensely. This news is also weighing me down.
The week is only half done, and I need to come up for air soon. I cannot continue to pretend to be swimming along fine. If you keep pretending, how can you tell if you're drowning?
My saving grace is that I have maintained my workout routine consistently in spite of the pressure. It hasn't exactly energized me, but I am happy I am not letting everything slip to the wayside. Got to trudge forward, if I keep kicking and remembering to breath I should make it out of these rough waters, won't I?
Friday, September 6, 2013
Baby steps
Now that I have working out down as part of my routine, its really time to pay attention to my diet. I never really thought I ate unhealthy, but portion is a problem. I like to feel full. Somehow that feeling of excess is comforting. I also mindlessly eat. I also obsess about eating whenever I feel deprived. I have many food triggers. I consider food a reward. I look to a meal as comfort. I get irritated when I feel I am being deprived. My food issues are 80% psychological, and 20% physical.
I'm probably going to spend a few weeks if not the remaining 180+ days obsessing over my food issues. I think its kind of a therapy to admit your shortcomings and the recognize your triggers. I already know I eat when I am angry or bored. I am much less hungry when I am happy or excited. I also eat lest when my mind is occupied by a challenge. I eat more when I feel deprived. The deprivation isn't simply the size of the meal, but also the context of it.
For example, last night I made salsa chicken, a relatively healthy high protein and veggie dish that can be served as a taco or burrito or over rice. My husband had it as burritos with a healthy serving of cheddar cheese. I denied myself the tortilla and the cheese, two fairly insignificant parts of the dish that brimmed with empty calories. Our dinners weren't all that different, but in my head I suffered through mine because I was deprived. Even though I wasn't. Since I wasn't satisfied, psychologically I wanted to overeat. I kept to yesterdays promise, and channeled that frustration into a second round of boxing. Truth, I wasn't physically hungry, it was just a psychologically programmed need.
Another example, today at work, I wasn't particularly hungry before lunch and had packed myself a really nutritious stir fry with tofu and an apple. Eating something more or different never crossed my mind. Then a ad rep for a local pizza shop came in to give us menus and coupons and tell us how great their pizza was. Suddenly I found myself starving, with a strong desire for gooey cheesy pizza. It didn't matter that I packed a healthy lunch, I wanted it and I wanted to justify it. Well I've been so good for two weeks I deserved it. A cheat day! But I know I am an addict and I know a simple cheat day will throw me off the wagon. I know my craving was in my mind, not a need of my body for fuel. I stuck to my packed lunch and as I type this I am still fighting the feeling of being ravenous even though I KNOW I am not and that this desire for food is all in my head.
I think admitting these things will be a baby step to addressing the deeper issues of my learned behavior. Food is fuel not a reward. I don't need any more than it takes to power my body. I know these things intellectually, but emotionally this is a different story and I am working on it.
I'm probably going to spend a few weeks if not the remaining 180+ days obsessing over my food issues. I think its kind of a therapy to admit your shortcomings and the recognize your triggers. I already know I eat when I am angry or bored. I am much less hungry when I am happy or excited. I also eat lest when my mind is occupied by a challenge. I eat more when I feel deprived. The deprivation isn't simply the size of the meal, but also the context of it.
For example, last night I made salsa chicken, a relatively healthy high protein and veggie dish that can be served as a taco or burrito or over rice. My husband had it as burritos with a healthy serving of cheddar cheese. I denied myself the tortilla and the cheese, two fairly insignificant parts of the dish that brimmed with empty calories. Our dinners weren't all that different, but in my head I suffered through mine because I was deprived. Even though I wasn't. Since I wasn't satisfied, psychologically I wanted to overeat. I kept to yesterdays promise, and channeled that frustration into a second round of boxing. Truth, I wasn't physically hungry, it was just a psychologically programmed need.
Another example, today at work, I wasn't particularly hungry before lunch and had packed myself a really nutritious stir fry with tofu and an apple. Eating something more or different never crossed my mind. Then a ad rep for a local pizza shop came in to give us menus and coupons and tell us how great their pizza was. Suddenly I found myself starving, with a strong desire for gooey cheesy pizza. It didn't matter that I packed a healthy lunch, I wanted it and I wanted to justify it. Well I've been so good for two weeks I deserved it. A cheat day! But I know I am an addict and I know a simple cheat day will throw me off the wagon. I know my craving was in my mind, not a need of my body for fuel. I stuck to my packed lunch and as I type this I am still fighting the feeling of being ravenous even though I KNOW I am not and that this desire for food is all in my head.
I think admitting these things will be a baby step to addressing the deeper issues of my learned behavior. Food is fuel not a reward. I don't need any more than it takes to power my body. I know these things intellectually, but emotionally this is a different story and I am working on it.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
The Zen of Boxing
I'm a couple weeks into this experiment now, and getting up to work out or working out longer or harder than when I began is much less of a chore. It is much less of something I have to talk myself into. I feel stronger and more balanced. I am definitely more coordinated. In fact, this morning while working out, I found that I was in a almost trance-like state as I was working through my kick boxing routine, I was able to detach from what I was physically doing and mentally checked in with myself. I felt myself relaxing even as I was maintaining a rather rigorous routine of punches and kicks, and surprisingly, I didn't miss a beat. One of the things I most disliked about working out is feeling that lack of coordination one feels as a beginner. I hated feeling on display, and psychologically, trying to figure out the routine was much more exhausting than the activity itself. My mind would work overtime trying to figure out the next step rather than allowing me to get lost in the activity. I always allowed myself to quit when I became too emotionally frustrated.
I guess I am past that point. I am now at the point where I can zone out and appreciate the euphoric high of exercise without the mental anguish of self judgement. This is a feeling I've missed for many years. There was a summer in my teens when I spent hours working out and pushing through the pain and discomfort until I reached my zen. The beginning of my sophomore year, I was probably the leanest and strongest I have ever been. The problem was my three month stint without pressure from other people or obligations was not something I could maintain. It wasn't a lifestyle and in the course of the year, I reverted back to where I had started.
So anyhow, as I was going through the movements this morning in my workout, I felt that same familiar relaxation and satisfaction I had forgotten. It made me realize that maybe this should be my outlet emotionally. I've always subconsciously turned to comfort food when I was upset or discouraged or scared. Maybe what I really needed was to find my zen. So, assuming this weather cools down soon, I intend to force myself to do 15-30 minutes of working out whenever I feel myself getting overwhelmed or stressed out. This isn't like my morning mandatory sessions, this is more of a mini experiment when needed to see if reaching my zen from exercise can distract me from my less healthy and more destructive impulses. Will I still want to binge after 20 minutes? If I do, maybe I really am hungry, if not, maybe I will come one step closer to tackling my demons and breaking my habits.
I guess I am past that point. I am now at the point where I can zone out and appreciate the euphoric high of exercise without the mental anguish of self judgement. This is a feeling I've missed for many years. There was a summer in my teens when I spent hours working out and pushing through the pain and discomfort until I reached my zen. The beginning of my sophomore year, I was probably the leanest and strongest I have ever been. The problem was my three month stint without pressure from other people or obligations was not something I could maintain. It wasn't a lifestyle and in the course of the year, I reverted back to where I had started.
So anyhow, as I was going through the movements this morning in my workout, I felt that same familiar relaxation and satisfaction I had forgotten. It made me realize that maybe this should be my outlet emotionally. I've always subconsciously turned to comfort food when I was upset or discouraged or scared. Maybe what I really needed was to find my zen. So, assuming this weather cools down soon, I intend to force myself to do 15-30 minutes of working out whenever I feel myself getting overwhelmed or stressed out. This isn't like my morning mandatory sessions, this is more of a mini experiment when needed to see if reaching my zen from exercise can distract me from my less healthy and more destructive impulses. Will I still want to binge after 20 minutes? If I do, maybe I really am hungry, if not, maybe I will come one step closer to tackling my demons and breaking my habits.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Pretty Face
There is a saying often heard by overweight people and intended as a motivating compliment "You have SUCH a pretty face, if you only lost a little..." There is a joke that goes along with this phrase about the woman who lost a bunch of weight only to find out her friends were wrong...
I don't believe beauty is contingent on size. I don't think losing or gaining weight makes anyone prettier or less pretty. Happiness and confidence make someone beautiful. Ask me. I have never been truly thin and I have never lacked for admirers. And, despite having been perfectly nestled in the "ideal weight" zone at various points of my life, I have never lacked for haters either. Only a woman understands this as men usually never face this petty behavior. Nor do they face the weight scrutiny to the same extent. Fat is such an ugly word I have heard thrown at the prettiest of girls. Remember when Jennifer Lawrence was "fat" or when Kate Upton was "fat" or heck, remember hot Lindsay Lohan during Mean Girls? She was fat too. I am not altogether convinced that the verbal abuse at the hands of other women didn't drive her to addiction in an effort to be thin. Here's a truth, I considered it myself. I considered how much easier it would be to be thin if I just took speed or cocaine. I knew people who were addicts in order to maintain a look. While working out has never been hard, dieting always had been. If only there was something that made me not want to eat...
Back to the face. I hate hate hate being sweaty. I hate sweating in front of people. This made working out a challenge. Because I always felt disgusting and like people were noticing me being disgusting. Not that I would look at their sweaty faces. Plus, I am cursed with a strong blush factor, so when I work hard, I sweat and turn red. Naturally rosy cheeks go into overdrive under exertion. So all my life, whenever I worked out ( or drank too much) people would ask me if I was okay. Which is nice and all, but does mean they will be looking at my sweaty face.
Nonetheless, With a bit over a week under my belt of regular intense workout, I am starting to enjoy sweating. I mean, its only in front of my husband and sometimes my sister, but still progress is progress. Gross admission, after a hard workout, I like to see the sweat bead at my pores. Gross, I know. But my face is getting so much brighter and clearer, because of the regular exertion. I imagine this must be why people benefit from regular visits to the sauna.
Like many women the first place I can see my efforts in is my face. Its not that my face is prettier per say, but just that it begins shifting. My eyes look bigger, my jawline sharpens and my face is more heart shape than round. I never lose my cheeks, but that is okay as I have grown to tolerate them. I find myself looking in mirrors more trying to discern the smallest of changes, because that keeps my focused and energized. So I will take my pretty face and allow it to replace the scale for a bit. The scale issue last week really got me down. I'm not strong enough to face it daily or weekly. I will add that in the second leg of this challenge. But for this first 50 days, I will focus on the things I have more control over, like what I eat and how I work out or how I check in and relax. My job for the rest of this quarter is closing out the negativity and focus on healing. In the end, these victories are more important than the scale.
I don't believe beauty is contingent on size. I don't think losing or gaining weight makes anyone prettier or less pretty. Happiness and confidence make someone beautiful. Ask me. I have never been truly thin and I have never lacked for admirers. And, despite having been perfectly nestled in the "ideal weight" zone at various points of my life, I have never lacked for haters either. Only a woman understands this as men usually never face this petty behavior. Nor do they face the weight scrutiny to the same extent. Fat is such an ugly word I have heard thrown at the prettiest of girls. Remember when Jennifer Lawrence was "fat" or when Kate Upton was "fat" or heck, remember hot Lindsay Lohan during Mean Girls? She was fat too. I am not altogether convinced that the verbal abuse at the hands of other women didn't drive her to addiction in an effort to be thin. Here's a truth, I considered it myself. I considered how much easier it would be to be thin if I just took speed or cocaine. I knew people who were addicts in order to maintain a look. While working out has never been hard, dieting always had been. If only there was something that made me not want to eat...
Back to the face. I hate hate hate being sweaty. I hate sweating in front of people. This made working out a challenge. Because I always felt disgusting and like people were noticing me being disgusting. Not that I would look at their sweaty faces. Plus, I am cursed with a strong blush factor, so when I work hard, I sweat and turn red. Naturally rosy cheeks go into overdrive under exertion. So all my life, whenever I worked out ( or drank too much) people would ask me if I was okay. Which is nice and all, but does mean they will be looking at my sweaty face.
Nonetheless, With a bit over a week under my belt of regular intense workout, I am starting to enjoy sweating. I mean, its only in front of my husband and sometimes my sister, but still progress is progress. Gross admission, after a hard workout, I like to see the sweat bead at my pores. Gross, I know. But my face is getting so much brighter and clearer, because of the regular exertion. I imagine this must be why people benefit from regular visits to the sauna.
Like many women the first place I can see my efforts in is my face. Its not that my face is prettier per say, but just that it begins shifting. My eyes look bigger, my jawline sharpens and my face is more heart shape than round. I never lose my cheeks, but that is okay as I have grown to tolerate them. I find myself looking in mirrors more trying to discern the smallest of changes, because that keeps my focused and energized. So I will take my pretty face and allow it to replace the scale for a bit. The scale issue last week really got me down. I'm not strong enough to face it daily or weekly. I will add that in the second leg of this challenge. But for this first 50 days, I will focus on the things I have more control over, like what I eat and how I work out or how I check in and relax. My job for the rest of this quarter is closing out the negativity and focus on healing. In the end, these victories are more important than the scale.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Holiday Blue
One of the most difficult parts of sticking to my healthy routine has been dealing with family which is, not surprisingly, one of the expectations of a holiday weekend. This past weekend we ended up visiting my brother's house to meet up with my parents and a couple of aunts and uncles. Getting out of your own environment poses a couple of problems: Foremost that you lose control of your healthier options unless you choose to be rude, and too, that you come face to face with excessive amounts of temptation. From 8pm when we arrived to 7 pm when we left there were no real healthy options. From the fast food Thai when we arrived to the carne asada quesadillas and cupcakes when we left, it was hard to stay on track without seeming like a fool. The best I could do was portion control which I definitely accomplished, and sneaking healthier fare when people weren't looking, specifically an extra helping of fruit instead of breakfast bars or nachos.
I suppose that this dilemma could be alleviated by simply stating to everyone my dietary goals, but this also tends to be counter productive for me. When everyone knows I am trying to lose weight, I feel I get judged for my progress. At this stage that judgement is preemptive and discouraging. I am not even 1/4 the way through my experiment and I know my family well enough to know that they will respond discouragingly if informed too soon about my life changes. Nothing stings worse than working hard only for people you love to not notice the progress or celebrate the accomplishment.
My mom has had weight issues all her life, so there is a good chance she laid the groundwork for my own unhealthy relationship with food. My husband often asks why both my sister and I view food as love and a reward, and it makes sense that this behavior is groomed into us. Being that my mom experienced the same issues, she is often the first to respond that I am getting fat or that my face is puffy. If, god forbid, I let her know I am dieting, rather than offering validation by saying that this is a good thing, she often retorts "Well you really need to do SOMETHING about this" at which point she gestures to a problem area as though I had not even stated that that was my intention. This equals feelings of low self worth and guilt which translate to binge eating. There are a lot of unhelpful things you can say to someone who struggles with their weight. Honestly, unless you want to offer them a workout or diet partner or simply want to say "Good job" keep whatever thought you have to yourself. There is a delicate balance when someone is trying to change their life by working out a new routine, and a careless word can easily throw them off course.
Also, I hate the notoriety of people watching me succeed or fail. The extra pressure involved outweighs the goal or desire to better myself. I'd rather make my decisions privately and share my decisions and successes with those who I know will offer unending support. Then, everyone else can know once it physically becomes obvious. Even then, this isn't about a diet. This is about being healthier. Not simply physically, but emotionally as well.
I suppose that this dilemma could be alleviated by simply stating to everyone my dietary goals, but this also tends to be counter productive for me. When everyone knows I am trying to lose weight, I feel I get judged for my progress. At this stage that judgement is preemptive and discouraging. I am not even 1/4 the way through my experiment and I know my family well enough to know that they will respond discouragingly if informed too soon about my life changes. Nothing stings worse than working hard only for people you love to not notice the progress or celebrate the accomplishment.
My mom has had weight issues all her life, so there is a good chance she laid the groundwork for my own unhealthy relationship with food. My husband often asks why both my sister and I view food as love and a reward, and it makes sense that this behavior is groomed into us. Being that my mom experienced the same issues, she is often the first to respond that I am getting fat or that my face is puffy. If, god forbid, I let her know I am dieting, rather than offering validation by saying that this is a good thing, she often retorts "Well you really need to do SOMETHING about this" at which point she gestures to a problem area as though I had not even stated that that was my intention. This equals feelings of low self worth and guilt which translate to binge eating. There are a lot of unhelpful things you can say to someone who struggles with their weight. Honestly, unless you want to offer them a workout or diet partner or simply want to say "Good job" keep whatever thought you have to yourself. There is a delicate balance when someone is trying to change their life by working out a new routine, and a careless word can easily throw them off course.
Also, I hate the notoriety of people watching me succeed or fail. The extra pressure involved outweighs the goal or desire to better myself. I'd rather make my decisions privately and share my decisions and successes with those who I know will offer unending support. Then, everyone else can know once it physically becomes obvious. Even then, this isn't about a diet. This is about being healthier. Not simply physically, but emotionally as well.
Friday, August 30, 2013
100 Calorie Snacks
Don't deny yourself! Having snacks throughout the day can prevent the ravenous munchies at night. I was surprised by some of these serving sizes because I was used to having 2 to 3 times as much before I was aware. I NEVER eat out of the bag anymore, that is just asking for trouble. I carry a small snack bag with food that is already portioned out. There is a few 100-calorie packs out there, including Cheez-Its (my favorite). Let me know if you have any suggestions. Here are some more of my favorites:
- 2 graham crackers with 1 tsp peanut butter (organic has lowest calories)
- 2 5-inch celerey with 1 tbsp peanut butter
- Hard boiled egg & 1 rye crisp cracker
- 20 mini pretzels
- 1 whole grain waffle with 1 tsp sugar free jelly
- 1/2 cup fat free pudding or sherbert
- 1/2 cup low-fat cottage cheese and 4 mini rice cakes
- 11 cashews
- 30 pistachios
- 9-12 walnuts
- 15 almonds
- 2 slices lean turkey
- 2 fig newtons
- 1/2 ounce cheddar cheese and 1/2 an apple
- 1/2 cup Breyers light vanilla
- Quaker chewy granola bar
- 10-12 Kettle Corn Pop Chips
- Trader Joe's oatmeal chocolate chips cookies 100-calorie pack
The Courage of Discouragement
I woke up today fairly discouraged. Although I feel stronger and more energized and am somewhat proud of my 45 minutes of daily high intensity working out to supplement my 2 mile walks, and I am definitely eating better. So what's the problem? That little demon called the scale.
I have been hesitant to write for the last couple of days, feeling like a squeaky wheel repeating the same complaints and frustrations. I considered that, if I continued repeat these sentiments on a loop I would discourage myself and box myself into this cycle of negativity. Instead I needed to reevaluate how I was expending my energy and try to see the encouraging rather than the discouraging.
Well then I weighed myself and found myself spiraling into the black hole that comes from putting forth efforts without rewards. I actually am a pound heavier. Drove me nuts. I cried a little. To work so hard only to feel you have taken a step back. I mean, logically I know I haven't, but emotionally I was crushed.
I started thinking about the root of the word discouraged. Courage. Funny the opposite of courage isn't discouraged, it is fear. Yet I have never thought that discouragement and fear to by synonymous. I don't think I get upset because I am afraid to fail or afraid to succeed. But then I took a close look at my reaction to the setback. My gut response was to sabotage all the good I had done simply because it "wasn't working" not to say I have given it enough time to REALLY WORK or to say that I wasn't reaping benefits. So was this really fear I was feeling? Was this a moment to push through because calling this failure was simply admitting to myself that I was not brave enough to stick something through until success?
I pushed through my morning workout and protein shake and packed myself a healthy lunch. I need to remember that the journey is just as important as the destination, and not to let my bravery be hampered by fear.
I have been hesitant to write for the last couple of days, feeling like a squeaky wheel repeating the same complaints and frustrations. I considered that, if I continued repeat these sentiments on a loop I would discourage myself and box myself into this cycle of negativity. Instead I needed to reevaluate how I was expending my energy and try to see the encouraging rather than the discouraging.
Well then I weighed myself and found myself spiraling into the black hole that comes from putting forth efforts without rewards. I actually am a pound heavier. Drove me nuts. I cried a little. To work so hard only to feel you have taken a step back. I mean, logically I know I haven't, but emotionally I was crushed.
I started thinking about the root of the word discouraged. Courage. Funny the opposite of courage isn't discouraged, it is fear. Yet I have never thought that discouragement and fear to by synonymous. I don't think I get upset because I am afraid to fail or afraid to succeed. But then I took a close look at my reaction to the setback. My gut response was to sabotage all the good I had done simply because it "wasn't working" not to say I have given it enough time to REALLY WORK or to say that I wasn't reaping benefits. So was this really fear I was feeling? Was this a moment to push through because calling this failure was simply admitting to myself that I was not brave enough to stick something through until success?
I pushed through my morning workout and protein shake and packed myself a healthy lunch. I need to remember that the journey is just as important as the destination, and not to let my bravery be hampered by fear.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
I've got an addiction and it's always going linger
I, like so many others who suffer from weight loss issues, started obsessing about my weight from a very young age. I've never liked to be in the spot light, and if need be I would literally hide to get away from it. It started in elementary school when a traumatic event happened, and my shyness and aversion to people grew exponentially in the blink of an eye. I was an extremely awkward girl who had trouble making friends, refused to wear anything flattering, and found solace in books, games and FOOD. It wasn't until I hit 4th grade that I realized that the other girls cared how to comb their hair, what clothes they were wearing, and what the boys were thinking about. I clung to remaining anonymous but the older I got the more my body was becoming an issue. I just kept gaining. This meant embarrassing visits to Sears to buy Pretty Plus clothing, while my skinny little sister (only a year my junior) ran around the "normal" girl section. How I envied her! Fast forward to middle school, and I was the weirdo wearing oversized jean overalls with a huge tee in the middle of summer, because I was comfortable in them, and comparing myself to all the girls who wore their short shorts and small tank tops. About this time was when I said enough was enough, and I went on a rigorous diet. I ate just over 1,000 calories, hardly any fat, and I stayed away from snacks. I exercised at least an hour a day, probably burning 500-750 calories a session. This is also about the time I forced myself to start liking diet coke, and diet anything really. I remember the first few sips and twitching my face, but I figured that if I got a taste for it then it would be free calories. Super! I was going way too hard, but I got down to a weight I had never been to before. I wore clothes that I had always wanted to, and I started getting attention that I never got before. That last part was probably to do more with the attitude and confidence adjustment then the actual weight loss, but I didn't know that at the time. I was on a high. Then I got comfortable and the weight crept back up, and that's how its been almost all my teenage and adult life. Yo-yo dieting, obsessing over calories, worrying what I look like in clothes. For women, we are conditioned to embrace this fierce body obsession, and hurrah to the girls that don't give into that hype, but I can understand why I am like this, and why other women are too. At this age I am a little better about being proud of who I am, even with a few extra pounds, but I think I'll always have this addition to food. It makes me feel better, it calms my nerves and it's just so damn good! I'm trying to learn how to think about food in different ways and have a healthier relationship with it. I'll be writing in here, every now and then, just to spill my thoughts. I'm 5'1" and today I weighed 133.6 lbs, and my goal is to lose 10% of that by the end of November. If I lose even 5% of that by then I will consider it a victory for my health. Ok internet, that is enough soul bearing information for today. Goodnight!
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Into The Swing of Things
I have a routine down now, I think, and am finding myself really enjoying my morning and evening workouts. It is still like pulling teeth to get my hubby or my sister active, and I still cannot stand the idea of being on display because I am the only one working out in front of them. My morning workout is better because, for the most part, they leave for work before I do. This allows me the time and space to really push myself without be self conscious about how I look or whether I am sweating too much.
I feel I am in the beginnings of a good routine. I am learning my triggers and trying to keep positive moving forward. I still have a lot of work to do in the evenings as far as keeping on track, but other than that, I am in a good place.
I need to work on sleeping. I was told working out hard would make me sleep better. It hasn't. It has done the opposite. I don't drink a lot of caffeine or have a lot of sugar, so I need to figure out how to control my sleep cycle so I get appropriate rest. That is a huge challenge for me and I am open to any suggestions.
I feel I am in the beginnings of a good routine. I am learning my triggers and trying to keep positive moving forward. I still have a lot of work to do in the evenings as far as keeping on track, but other than that, I am in a good place.
I need to work on sleeping. I was told working out hard would make me sleep better. It hasn't. It has done the opposite. I don't drink a lot of caffeine or have a lot of sugar, so I need to figure out how to control my sleep cycle so I get appropriate rest. That is a huge challenge for me and I am open to any suggestions.
Monday, August 26, 2013
That Delicious Ache
Working out doesn't come naturally to most people. We have been trained in the art of convenience. Expend the least effort for the most productivity. This is what the work world teaches you. Work smarter, not harder. And if you have free time, is working out really how you want to spend it?
I work a lot. 40 hours in the office, another 10-20 freelance from home. This is when I am not on set. When I am working a film I easily put in 80-100 hour work weeks. Free time tends to get divided amongst home responsibilities that I neglect during the week (like maybe 2-3 loads of dishes and laundry... ), quality time with my husband, and quality time with close friends and family-- when I can get it. So with all of the above obligations, finding the time to work out can become as tiresome as working out itself. Working out tends to make its way to a back burner. Sure, I walk to work most days, so that's a great built in routine. I highly recommend walking or biking to work if you don't have time otherwise and if you find working out difficult. Walking to work forces me to get my 2 miles in each morning and allows me time to reflect on my week and to check in with myself.
Still, with the new healthy outlook I am trying to imbue in myself, I needed to make working out a priority.
One problem was my mind is incredibly active, so I tend to find traditional fitness routines and aerobics tapes a bit dull. My mind cannot stay focused on them to the point of enjoyment, so I tend to quit earlier than I should or than I have to. Secondly, I am an extremely self conscious and extremely competitive person, so working out in front of people or with people I do not feel completely at ease with causes me to react in a couple of ways: one way being embarrassed that people are watching and judging me, because I AM watching and judging me, and two, that I push myself too hard, much harder than I am ready for because I feel the subconscious need to keep up. The first problem I am sure is all in my mind, but being that it IS in my mind, it is a difficult issue to overcome. I don't like to put myself out there for others to judge unless I am already competent at whatever the activity may be. The second issue is a physical one, that cause me to injure myself for the sake of pride, thus ensuring that I cannot continue with the proper pacing.
So how does someone as messed up as me find a way to stick to their routine without causing a physical or nervous breakdown.
I've rediscovered the wonders of the wii, and maintained a consistent routine for the last 5 days of boxing, karate, and dance. The game judges my form and accuracy, while simultaneously keeping track of my scores, time and goals. No one but a computer is judging me and I am constantly in competition against myself. I push myself hard, but not as hard as I might were I keeping up with a person who is naturally thin and athletic. It keeps my mind focused through constant feedback, but gives me the privacy to explore my physical limitations and rebuild my confidence. I have clocked 30-60minutes for the last 5 days and can feel the ache of physical accomplishment, but not the exhaustion of overexertion. So far this is working for me. Maybe after I meet my first mini goal (50 days in) I will brave working out publicly, but for now, working out in the privacy of my home allows me to spend quality time with myself and my husband, since he occasionally joins me for a round of boxing or Karate or yoga.
I'm still working at controlling my food issues. Eating cleaner, but I am still having difficulty with the evenings. I spent some time this weekend preparing healthy options for when I come home ravenous. I hope that this soon becomes second nature, because it can be frustrating and discouraging.
I also have began (restarted) protein shakes and bars for my morning meals and afternoon snacks. I find wonderslim protein shakes to be the best tasting if you need quick fix meals (like I do in the mornings) and they are reasonably priced. Also, if you cannot get past a sweet tooth, bariwise protein bars are almost as good as a candy bar, and you don't need to feel guilty for eating 1 when you are craving chocolate and caramel. Here is a link to their website to order and you get a $10-$20 credit if you use it. https://www.dietdirect.com/rewardsref/index/refer/id/109949/
Until tomorrow.
I work a lot. 40 hours in the office, another 10-20 freelance from home. This is when I am not on set. When I am working a film I easily put in 80-100 hour work weeks. Free time tends to get divided amongst home responsibilities that I neglect during the week (like maybe 2-3 loads of dishes and laundry... ), quality time with my husband, and quality time with close friends and family-- when I can get it. So with all of the above obligations, finding the time to work out can become as tiresome as working out itself. Working out tends to make its way to a back burner. Sure, I walk to work most days, so that's a great built in routine. I highly recommend walking or biking to work if you don't have time otherwise and if you find working out difficult. Walking to work forces me to get my 2 miles in each morning and allows me time to reflect on my week and to check in with myself.
Still, with the new healthy outlook I am trying to imbue in myself, I needed to make working out a priority.
One problem was my mind is incredibly active, so I tend to find traditional fitness routines and aerobics tapes a bit dull. My mind cannot stay focused on them to the point of enjoyment, so I tend to quit earlier than I should or than I have to. Secondly, I am an extremely self conscious and extremely competitive person, so working out in front of people or with people I do not feel completely at ease with causes me to react in a couple of ways: one way being embarrassed that people are watching and judging me, because I AM watching and judging me, and two, that I push myself too hard, much harder than I am ready for because I feel the subconscious need to keep up. The first problem I am sure is all in my mind, but being that it IS in my mind, it is a difficult issue to overcome. I don't like to put myself out there for others to judge unless I am already competent at whatever the activity may be. The second issue is a physical one, that cause me to injure myself for the sake of pride, thus ensuring that I cannot continue with the proper pacing.
So how does someone as messed up as me find a way to stick to their routine without causing a physical or nervous breakdown.
I've rediscovered the wonders of the wii, and maintained a consistent routine for the last 5 days of boxing, karate, and dance. The game judges my form and accuracy, while simultaneously keeping track of my scores, time and goals. No one but a computer is judging me and I am constantly in competition against myself. I push myself hard, but not as hard as I might were I keeping up with a person who is naturally thin and athletic. It keeps my mind focused through constant feedback, but gives me the privacy to explore my physical limitations and rebuild my confidence. I have clocked 30-60minutes for the last 5 days and can feel the ache of physical accomplishment, but not the exhaustion of overexertion. So far this is working for me. Maybe after I meet my first mini goal (50 days in) I will brave working out publicly, but for now, working out in the privacy of my home allows me to spend quality time with myself and my husband, since he occasionally joins me for a round of boxing or Karate or yoga.
I'm still working at controlling my food issues. Eating cleaner, but I am still having difficulty with the evenings. I spent some time this weekend preparing healthy options for when I come home ravenous. I hope that this soon becomes second nature, because it can be frustrating and discouraging.
I also have began (restarted) protein shakes and bars for my morning meals and afternoon snacks. I find wonderslim protein shakes to be the best tasting if you need quick fix meals (like I do in the mornings) and they are reasonably priced. Also, if you cannot get past a sweet tooth, bariwise protein bars are almost as good as a candy bar, and you don't need to feel guilty for eating 1 when you are craving chocolate and caramel. Here is a link to their website to order and you get a $10-$20 credit if you use it. https://www.dietdirect.com/rewardsref/index/refer/id/109949/
Until tomorrow.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Diet Detox
I think it is difficult for anyone who has never had food issues to understand what a person goes through when they are trying to change their lifestyle. Physiologically, food impacts the body in the same way illicit drugs do, offering those with an addiction a sense of euphoria and the panic of withdrawals. Detoxing one's self from a food addiction can be seen in a similar way to someone giving up alcohol, or meth, or smoking. The addictive pull is just as strong, however a food addiction is considered acceptable in society. Other addicts might have to find a dealer or hit up a liquor store when their drug of choice runs out, but food is everywhere. Further, most people react to those trying to quit smoking or give up alcohol or go to rehab for addiction by giving them support. With a food addiction, even the best intentioned people become enablers.
Unless you are a particularly cruel person, you won't address someone who has been sober for a few days with lurid details of your last drinking binge. Unless you yourself are an addict, there is little likelihood of you just happening to have speed or cigarettes in your purse to share with someone fighting to stay clean. And lets be honest, only pushers will tell you "A little taste won't hurt" if we were referring to any other addictive substance.
Food is one of the only addictions that is required to be a part of one's day to day life. Sure there are better choices than chili cheese fries, but most rehab centers suggest once clean going cold turkey. A cold turkey leg at a fair has 1,136 calories. That is a gateway drug if you ask me.
With food, you cannot simply change your environment and your associations and find your temptations gone. And worse yet, food is intrinsically tied to culture, so denial or avoidance of certain items could be seen as an offense.
I remember in high school I had gone Vegan for a while with a friend. I was probably eating the healthiest fare I had ever consumed in my life, but my dad was completely offended by this. It was an insult to his culture. Before that, I had lived with my grandparents over the summer in junior high. Again, I was on some healthball kick. And again I remember offending my grandmother because of my choice not to eat a particular dish. She had told me that if I didn't eat the food they made (even if I could buy my own) she would feed my cockroaches until I learned respect.
No one threatens you for saying no to a cigarette.
There are no advertisements playing on a loop on your local cable station for cocaine.
Yet food, especially bad food, is everywhere.
Recently, I had made it very clear to my sister and my husband that I need their help to stay on track. I need them to be the one's making the evening decisions with their heads on straight, because the hours of 5-10pm are the absolute hardest for me. I told them it doesn't have to be forever, just maybe 3 weeks until I get used to what I am doing and focus up. The response was positive, until 5pm rolls around and it shifts from "Sure I'll help you!" to "My work had donuts, I brought you one" or "Lets order Chinese, I'm craving fried rice and orange chicken."
Hello? What part of hard decisions and addiction did you not understand?
There are a million saboteurs in our daily lives. There are those who don't want to see you succeed because it makes them feel better about themselves. There are those who have been through what you are going through and still lack fundamental sympathy and sincerity because they have forgotten the journey or think your success makes their accomplishment less important. There are those who are clueless and forget that what you are going through is not easy for you, because it comes so easy for them. There are those who are too helpful to the point of discouragement. You know, the ones that constantly remind you that you "need to lose some weight" rather than focusing on the positive accomplishments or the fact you are trying to redefine your lifestyle. There are the ones that are starting the same journey as you, but are not yet ready or dedicated and since they don't plan to follow through they don't want you to either. I'm sure most of these people don't realize how discouraging their actions really are. But this is what makes breaking this addiction so darn hard.
I'm pretty focused today. Its still early though. I think my husband is legitimately on board to help me today. I know that I am doing this for me, but its so hard to do something when you feel you are traveling the road alone. I got up early and worked out, which was great. I also bit the bullet and weighed myself. I have a long way to go.
I have worked out my check in dates for this experiment. The times to reevaluate my plans and make sure I am still on track. These dates will be my mini goals rather than size or lbs goals which may be discouraging to track. And lets face it, this isn't about losing weight. This is about allowing myself to be mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. I plan to reward myself for every 50 days I can stay on track. Small accomplishments, but doable ones. I promised a friend I would allow him to take boudoir shots for his portfolio of my progress.
My check in dates are:
10/9
11/28
1/17
3/8
I guess I will let him take the first set in October. The threat of that alone should keep me on track... I hope.
Unless you are a particularly cruel person, you won't address someone who has been sober for a few days with lurid details of your last drinking binge. Unless you yourself are an addict, there is little likelihood of you just happening to have speed or cigarettes in your purse to share with someone fighting to stay clean. And lets be honest, only pushers will tell you "A little taste won't hurt" if we were referring to any other addictive substance.
Food is one of the only addictions that is required to be a part of one's day to day life. Sure there are better choices than chili cheese fries, but most rehab centers suggest once clean going cold turkey. A cold turkey leg at a fair has 1,136 calories. That is a gateway drug if you ask me.
With food, you cannot simply change your environment and your associations and find your temptations gone. And worse yet, food is intrinsically tied to culture, so denial or avoidance of certain items could be seen as an offense.
I remember in high school I had gone Vegan for a while with a friend. I was probably eating the healthiest fare I had ever consumed in my life, but my dad was completely offended by this. It was an insult to his culture. Before that, I had lived with my grandparents over the summer in junior high. Again, I was on some healthball kick. And again I remember offending my grandmother because of my choice not to eat a particular dish. She had told me that if I didn't eat the food they made (even if I could buy my own) she would feed my cockroaches until I learned respect.
No one threatens you for saying no to a cigarette.
There are no advertisements playing on a loop on your local cable station for cocaine.
Yet food, especially bad food, is everywhere.
Recently, I had made it very clear to my sister and my husband that I need their help to stay on track. I need them to be the one's making the evening decisions with their heads on straight, because the hours of 5-10pm are the absolute hardest for me. I told them it doesn't have to be forever, just maybe 3 weeks until I get used to what I am doing and focus up. The response was positive, until 5pm rolls around and it shifts from "Sure I'll help you!" to "My work had donuts, I brought you one" or "Lets order Chinese, I'm craving fried rice and orange chicken."
Hello? What part of hard decisions and addiction did you not understand?
There are a million saboteurs in our daily lives. There are those who don't want to see you succeed because it makes them feel better about themselves. There are those who have been through what you are going through and still lack fundamental sympathy and sincerity because they have forgotten the journey or think your success makes their accomplishment less important. There are those who are clueless and forget that what you are going through is not easy for you, because it comes so easy for them. There are those who are too helpful to the point of discouragement. You know, the ones that constantly remind you that you "need to lose some weight" rather than focusing on the positive accomplishments or the fact you are trying to redefine your lifestyle. There are the ones that are starting the same journey as you, but are not yet ready or dedicated and since they don't plan to follow through they don't want you to either. I'm sure most of these people don't realize how discouraging their actions really are. But this is what makes breaking this addiction so darn hard.
I'm pretty focused today. Its still early though. I think my husband is legitimately on board to help me today. I know that I am doing this for me, but its so hard to do something when you feel you are traveling the road alone. I got up early and worked out, which was great. I also bit the bullet and weighed myself. I have a long way to go.
I have worked out my check in dates for this experiment. The times to reevaluate my plans and make sure I am still on track. These dates will be my mini goals rather than size or lbs goals which may be discouraging to track. And lets face it, this isn't about losing weight. This is about allowing myself to be mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. I plan to reward myself for every 50 days I can stay on track. Small accomplishments, but doable ones. I promised a friend I would allow him to take boudoir shots for his portfolio of my progress.
My check in dates are:
10/9
11/28
1/17
3/8
I guess I will let him take the first set in October. The threat of that alone should keep me on track... I hope.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Peanut Butter Stress
Last night I came home bordering on miserable. It was so bad that I think I only got around 2-4 hours of actual rest, most of the night revolved around thinking and strategizing about work.
Rewind back to 5:00 PM. Work has been crazy for the last three months prior to this kick off of a new lifestyle. I mean crazy that involved crimes and lawyers and massive and abrupt changes to my work environment.
Rewind back further to the last time I was svelte. Before I first started dating my now husband, before my dad got sick and before my "adopted" granddad passed away.
Rewind further to where my first college director tried to do the unthinkable.
Rewind further to my best friend snorting a line of speed in front of me my freshman year of high school.
Each of these moments was met with the same learned reaction. To eat for comfort. To eat because no other reaction was acceptable or beneficial. Not that eating was that either, but it was private and if you ate enough your emotions dulled. Eat because it was better than crying. Eat because it was better than a breakdown. Eat because it was safe. Many of them were followed by a period of weight gain, then loss. Over the years the food/stress dilemma has become so ingrained in my behavior. A Pavlovian response.
How do you change that? How do you change things that you have been doing for half your life?
Last night was a particularly stressful night. I had come up with a very lucrative business idea and someone was trying to steal the rug out from under me. I agonized over the choices of remaining quiet and resentful or speaking up and preparing for war. I was too emotional to see other options. So I made cookies. Luckily they were healthier in the grand scheme of things than many other options, if such a thing as a healthy cooking exists. Nevertheless, not the best choice. My sister, my husband and I finished the batch, though I am sure I had more than my fair share. And lets face it, my sister and husband are skinny, so no one cares if they take the extra cookie.
My first direct challenge to address is to change the stress food response in my life. When I feel stressed I need to come up with a viable distraction that takes my mind off the stress and the food. We'll see how this goes.
Rewind back to 5:00 PM. Work has been crazy for the last three months prior to this kick off of a new lifestyle. I mean crazy that involved crimes and lawyers and massive and abrupt changes to my work environment.
Rewind back further to the last time I was svelte. Before I first started dating my now husband, before my dad got sick and before my "adopted" granddad passed away.
Rewind further to where my first college director tried to do the unthinkable.
Rewind further to my best friend snorting a line of speed in front of me my freshman year of high school.
Each of these moments was met with the same learned reaction. To eat for comfort. To eat because no other reaction was acceptable or beneficial. Not that eating was that either, but it was private and if you ate enough your emotions dulled. Eat because it was better than crying. Eat because it was better than a breakdown. Eat because it was safe. Many of them were followed by a period of weight gain, then loss. Over the years the food/stress dilemma has become so ingrained in my behavior. A Pavlovian response.
How do you change that? How do you change things that you have been doing for half your life?
Last night was a particularly stressful night. I had come up with a very lucrative business idea and someone was trying to steal the rug out from under me. I agonized over the choices of remaining quiet and resentful or speaking up and preparing for war. I was too emotional to see other options. So I made cookies. Luckily they were healthier in the grand scheme of things than many other options, if such a thing as a healthy cooking exists. Nevertheless, not the best choice. My sister, my husband and I finished the batch, though I am sure I had more than my fair share. And lets face it, my sister and husband are skinny, so no one cares if they take the extra cookie.
My first direct challenge to address is to change the stress food response in my life. When I feel stressed I need to come up with a viable distraction that takes my mind off the stress and the food. We'll see how this goes.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
This Balancing Act is Harder than it Looks
It is tough to remember to celebrate small victories as you retrain yourself to think and be healthier. Its much easier to get bogged down in how you have been a failure, in paranoia, in self doubt. Its easy to send yourself down a spiral where you dig your hole deeper because your goal seems impossible. Yesterday I did... Okay. I did great for breakfast and lunch, that part of the day is easy. I'm at work. I'm focused. I am a machine. I should celebrate that for the last 3 days I have eaten 75% clean. .. If only I could maintain focus once the whistle blows at 5:00pm.
Somehow all the stress I refuse to allow myself to feel ends up condensing when I get home. I am completely exhausted. More so when the office is slow versus when it is busy. All I want when I get out of there is comfort it whatever form that may come. Usually it comes in the form of junk TV and junk food. This is how I have conditioned myself to de-stress. I recently purchased a wii-u in order to redefine my stress response activities in a way I won't feel is punishment, especially at these early stages when buying time to focus on changing my life can feel a touch overwhelming. I found that if I can believe that work is a game, I am more likely to make it a part of daily routine. Yes, this probably means that I am undisciplined, but I am working on it.
I have not yet weighed myself. This is a sign of how ashamed I must be about where I am at. I have uploaded a ton of trackers to my phone to help me stay on track but have not yet brought myself to step on a scale. I remember having weight shame way back when I was in junior high. I wasn't even over weight then. I am 5'6.5" and weighed 132 and I was so paralyzed with shame because my girlfriends all weighed less than 115. I remember a baby-sitter we had when I was younger staying at my aunt and uncles shaming me because I weighed 110 and she weighed less than 100 lbs. It didn't register at 12 that my 5'4 inches SHOULD weigh more than her 4'11". But she was older and I believed that weight is something to be feared. These feelings of being less than perfect were what set me up on the yo-yo dieting self fulfilling prophesy that has landed me where I am today.
I kept my weight down through most of high school and college by a cycle of binging and purging and never weighing myself. I was never skinny but not big either. But that fear of a scales was so pervasive in my life that the only time I weighed myself was when I was at the doctor's office.
Part of being able to change is being willing to admit to yourself who you are and embrace it. If the 198 days I have left are going to be successful, I will need to take a good hard look at myself and accept where I am and that I can change that for the better. Perhaps tomorrow I will brave the scale. Perhaps not. But, I know my journey cannot really begin until I do.
Somehow all the stress I refuse to allow myself to feel ends up condensing when I get home. I am completely exhausted. More so when the office is slow versus when it is busy. All I want when I get out of there is comfort it whatever form that may come. Usually it comes in the form of junk TV and junk food. This is how I have conditioned myself to de-stress. I recently purchased a wii-u in order to redefine my stress response activities in a way I won't feel is punishment, especially at these early stages when buying time to focus on changing my life can feel a touch overwhelming. I found that if I can believe that work is a game, I am more likely to make it a part of daily routine. Yes, this probably means that I am undisciplined, but I am working on it.
I have not yet weighed myself. This is a sign of how ashamed I must be about where I am at. I have uploaded a ton of trackers to my phone to help me stay on track but have not yet brought myself to step on a scale. I remember having weight shame way back when I was in junior high. I wasn't even over weight then. I am 5'6.5" and weighed 132 and I was so paralyzed with shame because my girlfriends all weighed less than 115. I remember a baby-sitter we had when I was younger staying at my aunt and uncles shaming me because I weighed 110 and she weighed less than 100 lbs. It didn't register at 12 that my 5'4 inches SHOULD weigh more than her 4'11". But she was older and I believed that weight is something to be feared. These feelings of being less than perfect were what set me up on the yo-yo dieting self fulfilling prophesy that has landed me where I am today.
I kept my weight down through most of high school and college by a cycle of binging and purging and never weighing myself. I was never skinny but not big either. But that fear of a scales was so pervasive in my life that the only time I weighed myself was when I was at the doctor's office.
Part of being able to change is being willing to admit to yourself who you are and embrace it. If the 198 days I have left are going to be successful, I will need to take a good hard look at myself and accept where I am and that I can change that for the better. Perhaps tomorrow I will brave the scale. Perhaps not. But, I know my journey cannot really begin until I do.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Paving A Foundation
If you're at all like me, this a journey you've been on before and one you've never quite arrived at the destination of. We all make promises to ourselves about what we need to do to better our lives and make us happier, healthier, more productive people. Yet somehow, that path to a better self is filled with obstacles and distractions. At first, we are always excited and motivated and determined to make the destination a reality, but somewhere down the road, the travel becomes less of a priority. Somewhere we lose our way. We get lost. We find our self back at the beginning. Then we get discouraged. Then we allow ourselves excuses as to why not this time and why it wasn't meant to be.
I'm tired of excuses. I am tired of not having the health physically and emotionally that I would consider ideal. I am tired of not having the career I crave. I am tired of deleting photos because I don't want to be reminded of how far off track I have let myself become.
Today I feel hopeful. Today I feel I have a plan of action to move forward and a map to guide me. I hope to (intend to) write every day on this blog about how far I've come in order to leave myself a trail of breadcrumbs so I won't backtrack or get distracted.
They say it takes 21 days to form a habit. I am pretty sure that is simply a myth. But perseverance is the key to lifelong change. I am going to take that arbitrary number and times that by ten, then by ten again in order to keep redefining my personal image of self and my ideal of health.
My short term goals are to spend every day doing some physical activity for at least 15 minutes, to write at least a page for my personal projects, to meditate for at least 30 minutes daily on my goals and my accomplishments, to track what I eat, to spend at least 1 day a week on de-stressing and checking in on myself, and to cut out processed, pre-packaged, and fast food from 90% of my diet. I'll probably add more goals as I go, but for now. This is the foundation
Day one of this endeavor was met with the expected excitement and determination. Lets see if I can keep going.
xoxo
KW
I'm tired of excuses. I am tired of not having the health physically and emotionally that I would consider ideal. I am tired of not having the career I crave. I am tired of deleting photos because I don't want to be reminded of how far off track I have let myself become.
Today I feel hopeful. Today I feel I have a plan of action to move forward and a map to guide me. I hope to (intend to) write every day on this blog about how far I've come in order to leave myself a trail of breadcrumbs so I won't backtrack or get distracted.
They say it takes 21 days to form a habit. I am pretty sure that is simply a myth. But perseverance is the key to lifelong change. I am going to take that arbitrary number and times that by ten, then by ten again in order to keep redefining my personal image of self and my ideal of health.
My short term goals are to spend every day doing some physical activity for at least 15 minutes, to write at least a page for my personal projects, to meditate for at least 30 minutes daily on my goals and my accomplishments, to track what I eat, to spend at least 1 day a week on de-stressing and checking in on myself, and to cut out processed, pre-packaged, and fast food from 90% of my diet. I'll probably add more goals as I go, but for now. This is the foundation
Day one of this endeavor was met with the expected excitement and determination. Lets see if I can keep going.
xoxo
KW
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