Dear Wagon, I'm still on you!

I am not one of those people who should be allowed cheat days. Cheat days or meals or even snacks have a snowballing impact on my bad behavior. So, in so much as possible, I have remained "Good".

Good doesn't always yield results and therefore, good can be frustrating.

I really have kicked up working out a notch, which in turn has resulted in my routine beginning to feel too easy. Just as I form a habit the habit itself becomes a crutch. I feel that the longer I work out, the more often I am "dialing it in" so I need to find something that offers the right amount of stick-to-it-ness and challenge.

I've come to grips with the fact that changing my evening meal is like climbing Everest. I thought maybe more practical steps were the way to go. This last week, in spite of a crazy work schedule, I have been focusing on relaxation and better sleep. I am incorporating more yoga and meditation into my life and trying to get to bed earlier so I can wake up earlier and be productive. Insomnia has always been a challenge but if I can conquer insomnia it will be that much easier to control my diet as lack of sleep has been tied to hunger and weight gain.

Anyhow, work is still a madhouse so I'll have to write more soon.

Polarity

Change is not easy, especially when that change is rooted to something as deep as perception. I have found that the first tenth of my experiment has taught me the highs and lows of this process. It is strange to reflect on this bi-polar existence of dogged determination counterpointed with equal bouts of elation and desolation. I find my motivation varies to the extreme minute to minute. One moment I can be pumped and having fun and working out and focused, the next I am depressed and lethargic and willing to throw in the towel.

This morning I was proud an encouraged following a long and intense workout, than I was angry and irritated by what I had not accomplished in my house because I was busy working out, then I went to shower and was certain I could see the physical changes in my face and body of nearly a month of focused dedication to fitness and active efforts on diet most days, then 20 minutes later the illusion was shattered when I discovered my too small pants were still too small.

The extreme emotional ups and downs are tiresome. The accomplishments in point of view are encouraging, but not sustainable. Still, maybe I need to look at this differently too. Maybe these emotional extremes are not a sign of being unbalanced or that the highs are unsustainable, maybe instead I should view it as the same way a snake sheds its skin. Maybe the moments of elation and determination is the new skin peeking through the dead skin I am sloughing off.  I hope so. Because I would like to believe self confidence is something more balanced and less fleeting.

This experiment is a game, and who quits after stage 1 of Mario bros because the Goombas were too hard? I just need to wait out this polarity a little longer and hopefully in the next 25 days or so I will see a shift to more of the positive and less of the seesawing.

One can only hope.