100 Calorie Snacks

Don't deny yourself!  Having snacks throughout the day can prevent the ravenous munchies at night.  I was surprised by some of these serving sizes because I was used to having 2 to 3 times as much before I was aware.  I NEVER eat out of the bag anymore, that is just asking for trouble.  I carry a small snack bag with food that is already portioned out.  There is a few 100-calorie packs out there, including Cheez-Its (my favorite).  Let me know if you have any suggestions.  Here are some more of my favorites:

• 2 graham crackers with 1 tsp peanut butter (organic has lowest calories)
• 2 5-inch celerey with 1 tbsp peanut butter
• Hard boiled egg & 1 rye crisp cracker
• 20 mini pretzels
• 1 whole grain waffle  with 1 tsp sugar free jelly
• 1/2 cup fat free pudding or sherbert
• 1/2 cup low-fat cottage cheese and 4 mini rice cakes
• 11 cashews
• 30 pistachios
• 9-12 walnuts
• 15 almonds
• 2 slices lean turkey
• 2 fig newtons
• 1/2 ounce cheddar cheese and 1/2 an apple
• 1/2 cup Breyers light vanilla 
• Quaker chewy granola bar
• 10-12 Kettle Corn Pop Chips
• Trader Joe's oatmeal chocolate chips cookies 100-calorie pack

The Courage of Discouragement

I woke up today fairly discouraged. Although I feel stronger and more energized and am somewhat proud of my 45 minutes of daily high intensity working out to supplement my 2 mile walks, and I am definitely eating better. So what's the problem? That little demon called the scale.

I have been hesitant to write for the last couple of days, feeling like a squeaky wheel repeating the same complaints and frustrations. I considered that, if I continued repeat these sentiments on a loop I would discourage myself and box myself into this cycle of negativity. Instead I needed to reevaluate how I was expending my energy and try to see the encouraging rather than the discouraging.

Well then I weighed myself and found myself spiraling into the black hole that comes from putting forth efforts without rewards. I actually am a pound heavier. Drove me nuts. I cried a little. To work so hard only to feel you have taken a step back.  I mean, logically I know I haven't, but emotionally I was crushed.

I started thinking about the root of the word discouraged. Courage. Funny the opposite of courage isn't discouraged, it is fear. Yet I have never thought that discouragement and fear to by synonymous. I don't think I get upset because I am afraid to fail or afraid to succeed. But then I took a close look at my reaction to the setback. My gut response was to sabotage all the good I had done simply because it "wasn't working" not to say I have given it enough time to REALLY WORK or to say that I wasn't reaping benefits. So was this really fear I was feeling? Was this a moment to push through because calling this failure was simply admitting to myself that I was not brave enough to stick something through until success?

I pushed through my morning workout and protein shake and packed myself a healthy lunch. I need to remember that the journey is just as important as the destination, and not to let my bravery be hampered by fear.

I've got an addiction and it's always going linger

I, like so many others who suffer from weight loss issues, started obsessing about my weight from a very young age. I've never liked to be in the spot light, and if need be I would literally hide to get away from it. It started in elementary school when a traumatic event happened, and my shyness and aversion to people grew exponentially in the blink of an eye. I was an extremely awkward girl who had trouble making friends, refused to wear anything flattering, and found solace in books, games and FOOD. It wasn't until I hit 4th grade that I realized that the other girls cared how to comb their hair, what clothes they were wearing, and what the boys were thinking about. I clung to remaining anonymous but the older I got the more my body was becoming an issue. I just kept gaining. This meant embarrassing visits to Sears to buy Pretty Plus clothing, while my skinny little sister (only a year my junior) ran around the "normal" girl section. How I envied her! Fast forward to middle school, and I was the weirdo wearing oversized jean overalls with a huge tee in the middle of summer, because I was comfortable in them, and comparing myself to all the girls who wore their short shorts and small tank tops. About this time was when I said enough was enough, and I went on a rigorous diet. I ate just over 1,000 calories, hardly any fat, and I stayed away from snacks. I exercised at least an hour a day, probably burning 500-750 calories a session. This is also about the time I forced myself to start liking diet coke, and diet anything really. I remember the first few sips and twitching my face, but I figured that if I got a taste for it then it would be free calories. Super! I was going way too hard, but I got down to a weight I had never been to before. I wore clothes that I had always wanted to, and I started getting attention that I never got before. That last part was probably to do more with the attitude and confidence adjustment then the actual weight loss, but I didn't know that at the time. I was on a high. Then I got comfortable and the weight crept back up, and that's how its been almost all my teenage and adult life. Yo-yo dieting, obsessing over calories, worrying what I look like in clothes. For women, we are conditioned to embrace this fierce body obsession, and hurrah to the girls that don't give into that hype, but I can understand why I am like this, and why other women are too. At this age I am a little better about being proud of who I am, even with a few extra pounds, but I think I'll always have this addition to food. It makes me feel better, it calms my nerves and it's just so damn good! I'm trying to learn how to think about food in different ways and have a healthier relationship with it. I'll be writing in here, every now and then, just to spill my thoughts. I'm 5'1" and today I weighed 133.6 lbs, and my goal is to lose 10% of that by the end of November. If I lose even 5% of that by then I will consider it a victory for my health. Ok internet, that is enough soul bearing information for today. Goodnight!

Into The Swing of Things

I have a routine down now, I think, and am finding myself really enjoying my morning and evening workouts. It is still like pulling teeth to get my hubby or my sister active, and I still cannot stand the idea of being on display because I am the only one working out in front of them. My morning workout is better because, for the most part, they leave for work before I do. This allows me the time and space to really push myself without be self conscious about how I look or whether I am sweating too much.

I feel I am in the beginnings of a good routine. I am learning my triggers and trying to keep positive moving forward. I still have a lot of work to do in the evenings as far as keeping on track, but other than that, I am in a good place.

I need to work on sleeping. I was told working out hard would make me sleep better. It hasn't. It has done the opposite. I don't drink a lot of caffeine or have a lot of sugar, so I need to figure out how to control my sleep cycle so I get appropriate rest. That is a huge challenge for me and I am open to any suggestions.

That Delicious Ache

Working out doesn't come naturally to most people. We have been trained in the art of convenience. Expend the least effort for the most productivity. This is what the work world teaches you. Work smarter, not harder. And if you have free time, is working out really how you want to spend it?

I work a lot. 40 hours in the office, another 10-20 freelance from home. This is when I am not on set. When I am working a film I easily put in 80-100 hour work weeks. Free time tends to get divided amongst home responsibilities that I neglect during the week (like maybe 2-3 loads of dishes and laundry... ), quality time with my husband, and quality time with close friends and family-- when I can get it. So with all of the above obligations, finding the time to work out can become as tiresome as working out itself. Working out tends to make its way to a back burner.  Sure, I walk to work most days, so that's a great built in routine.  I highly recommend walking or biking to work if you don't have time otherwise and if you find working out difficult. Walking to work forces me to get my 2 miles in each morning and allows me time to reflect on my week and to check in with myself.

Still, with the new healthy outlook I am trying to imbue in myself, I needed to make working out a priority.

One problem was my mind is incredibly active, so I tend to find traditional fitness routines and aerobics tapes a bit dull.  My mind cannot stay focused on them to the point of enjoyment, so I tend to quit earlier than I should or than I have to. Secondly, I am an extremely self conscious and extremely competitive person, so working out in front of people or with people I do not feel completely at ease with causes me to react in a couple of ways: one way being embarrassed that people are watching and judging me, because I AM watching and judging me, and two, that I push myself too hard, much harder than I am ready for because I feel the subconscious need to keep up. The first problem I am sure is all in my mind, but being that it IS in my mind, it is a difficult issue to overcome. I don't like to put myself out there for others to judge unless I am already competent at whatever the activity may be. The second issue is a physical one, that cause me to injure myself for the sake of pride, thus ensuring that I cannot continue with the proper pacing.

So how does someone as messed up as me find a way to stick to their routine without causing a physical or nervous breakdown.

I've rediscovered the wonders of the wii, and maintained a consistent routine for the last 5 days of boxing, karate, and dance. The game judges my form and accuracy, while simultaneously keeping track of my scores, time and goals. No one but a computer is judging me and I am constantly in competition against myself. I push myself hard, but not as hard as I might were I keeping up with a person who is naturally thin and athletic. It keeps my mind focused through constant feedback, but gives me the privacy to explore my physical limitations and rebuild my confidence. I have clocked 30-60minutes for the last 5 days and can feel the ache of physical accomplishment, but not the exhaustion of overexertion. So far this is working for me. Maybe after I meet my first mini goal (50 days in) I will brave working out publicly, but for now, working out in the privacy of my home allows me to spend quality time with myself and my husband, since he occasionally joins me for a round of boxing or Karate or yoga.

I'm still working at controlling my food issues. Eating cleaner, but I am still having difficulty with the evenings. I spent some time this weekend preparing healthy options for when I come home ravenous. I hope that this soon becomes second nature, because it can be frustrating and discouraging.

I also have began (restarted) protein shakes and bars for my morning meals and afternoon snacks. I find wonderslim protein shakes to be the best tasting if you need quick fix meals (like I do in the mornings) and they are reasonably priced.  Also, if you cannot get past a sweet tooth, bariwise protein bars are almost as good as a candy bar, and you don't need to feel guilty for eating 1 when you are craving chocolate and caramel. Here is a link to their website to order and you get a $10-$20 credit if you use it. https://www.dietdirect.com/rewardsref/index/refer/id/109949/

Until tomorrow.

Diet Detox

I think it is difficult for anyone who has never had food issues to understand what a person goes through when they are trying to change their lifestyle. Physiologically, food impacts the body in the same way illicit drugs do, offering those with an addiction a sense of euphoria and the panic of withdrawals. Detoxing one's self from a food addiction can be seen in a similar way to someone giving up alcohol, or meth, or smoking. The addictive pull is just as strong, however a food addiction is considered acceptable in society. Other addicts might have to find a dealer or hit up a liquor store when their drug of choice runs out, but food is everywhere. Further, most people react to those trying to quit smoking or give up alcohol or go to rehab for addiction by giving them support. With a food addiction, even the best intentioned people become enablers.

Unless you are a particularly cruel person, you won't address someone who has been sober for a few days with lurid details of your last drinking binge. Unless you yourself are an addict, there is little likelihood of you just happening to have speed or cigarettes in your purse to share with someone fighting to stay clean. And lets be honest, only pushers will tell you "A little taste won't hurt" if we were referring to any other addictive substance.

Food is one of the only addictions that is required to be a part of one's day to day life. Sure there are better choices than chili cheese fries, but most rehab centers suggest once clean going cold turkey. A cold turkey leg at a fair has 1,136 calories. That is a gateway drug if you ask me.

With food, you cannot simply change your environment and your associations and find your temptations gone.  And worse yet, food is intrinsically tied to culture, so denial or avoidance of certain items could be seen as an offense.

I remember in high school I had gone Vegan for a while with a friend. I was probably eating the healthiest fare I had ever consumed in my life, but my dad was completely offended by this. It was an insult to his culture. Before that, I had lived with my grandparents over the summer in junior high. Again, I was on some healthball kick. And again I remember offending my grandmother because of my choice not to eat a particular dish. She had told me that if I didn't eat the food they made (even if I could buy my own) she would feed my cockroaches until I learned respect.

No one threatens you for saying no to a cigarette.

There are no advertisements playing on a loop on your local cable station for cocaine.

Yet food, especially bad food, is everywhere.

Recently, I had made it very clear to my sister and my husband that I need their help to stay on track. I need them to be the one's making the evening decisions with their heads on straight, because the hours of 5-10pm are the absolute hardest for me. I told them it doesn't have to be forever, just maybe 3 weeks until I get used to what I am doing and focus up.  The response was positive, until 5pm rolls around and it shifts from  "Sure I'll help you!" to "My work had donuts, I brought you one" or "Lets order Chinese, I'm craving fried rice and orange chicken."

Hello? What part of hard decisions and addiction did you not understand?

There are a million saboteurs in our daily lives. There are those who don't want to see you succeed because it makes them feel better about themselves. There are those who have been through what you are going through and still lack fundamental sympathy and sincerity because they have forgotten the journey or think your success makes their accomplishment less important. There are those who are clueless and forget that what you are going through is not easy for you, because it comes so easy for them. There are those who are too helpful to the point of discouragement. You know, the ones that constantly remind you that you "need to lose some weight" rather than focusing on the positive accomplishments or the fact you are trying to redefine your lifestyle. There are the ones that are starting the same journey as you, but are not yet ready or dedicated and since they don't plan to follow through they don't want you to either. I'm sure most of these people don't realize how discouraging their actions really are.  But this is what makes breaking this addiction so darn hard.

I'm pretty focused today. Its still early though. I think my husband is legitimately on board to help me today. I know that I am doing this for me, but its so hard to do something when you feel you are traveling the road alone. I got up early and worked out, which was great. I also bit the bullet and weighed myself. I have a long way to go.

I have worked out my check in dates for this experiment. The times to reevaluate my plans and make sure I am still on track. These dates will be my mini goals rather than size or lbs goals which may be discouraging to track. And lets face it, this isn't about losing weight. This is about allowing myself to be mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. I plan to reward myself for every 50 days I can stay on track. Small accomplishments, but doable ones. I promised a friend I would allow him to take boudoir shots for his portfolio of my progress.
My check in dates are:
10/9
11/28
1/17
3/8

I guess I will let him take the first set in October. The threat of that alone should keep me on track... I hope.

Peanut Butter Stress

Last night I came home bordering on miserable. It was so bad that I think I only got around 2-4 hours of actual rest, most of the night revolved around thinking and strategizing about work.

Rewind back to 5:00 PM. Work has been crazy for the last three months prior to this kick off of a new lifestyle. I mean crazy that involved crimes and lawyers and massive and abrupt changes to my work environment.

Rewind back further to the last time I was svelte. Before I first started dating my now husband, before my dad got sick and before my "adopted" granddad passed away.

Rewind further to where my first college director tried to do the unthinkable.

Rewind further to my best friend snorting a line of speed in front of me my freshman year of high school.

Each of these moments was met with the same learned reaction. To eat for comfort. To eat because no other reaction was acceptable or beneficial. Not that eating was that either, but it was private and if you ate enough your emotions dulled. Eat because it was better than crying. Eat because it was better than a breakdown. Eat because it was safe. Many of them were followed by a period of weight gain, then loss. Over the years the food/stress dilemma has become so ingrained in my behavior.  A Pavlovian response.

How do you change that? How do you change things that you have been doing for half your life?

Last night was a particularly stressful night. I had come up with a very lucrative business idea and someone was trying to steal the rug out from under me. I agonized over the choices of remaining quiet and resentful or speaking up and preparing for war. I was too emotional to see other options. So I made cookies. Luckily they were healthier in the grand scheme of things than many other options, if such a thing as a healthy cooking exists. Nevertheless, not the best choice. My sister, my husband and I finished the batch, though I am sure I had more than my fair share. And lets face it, my sister and husband are skinny, so no one cares if they take the extra cookie.

My first direct challenge to address is to change the stress food response in my life. When I feel stressed I need to come up with a viable distraction that takes my mind off the stress and the food. We'll see how this goes.

This Balancing Act is Harder than it Looks

It is tough to remember to celebrate small victories as you retrain yourself to think and be healthier. Its much easier to get bogged down in how you have been a failure, in paranoia, in self doubt. Its easy to send yourself down a spiral where you dig your hole deeper because your goal seems impossible.  Yesterday I did... Okay. I did great for breakfast and lunch, that part of the day is easy. I'm at work. I'm focused. I am a machine. I should celebrate that for the last 3 days I have eaten 75% clean. .. If only I could maintain focus once the whistle blows at 5:00pm.

Somehow all the stress I refuse to allow myself to feel ends up condensing when I get home. I am completely exhausted. More so when the office is slow versus when it is busy. All I want when I get out of there is comfort it whatever form that may come. Usually it comes in the form of junk TV and junk food. This is how I have conditioned myself to de-stress. I recently purchased a wii-u in order to redefine my stress response activities in a way I won't feel is punishment, especially at these early stages when buying time to focus on changing my life can feel a touch overwhelming. I found that if I can believe that work is a game, I am more likely to make it a part of daily routine. Yes, this probably means that I am undisciplined, but I am working on it.

I have not yet weighed myself. This is a sign of how ashamed I must be about where I am at. I have uploaded a ton of trackers to my phone to help me stay on track but have not yet brought myself to step on a scale. I remember having weight shame way back when I was in junior high. I wasn't even over weight then. I am 5'6.5" and weighed 132 and I was so paralyzed with shame because my girlfriends all weighed less than 115. I remember a baby-sitter we had when I was younger staying at my aunt and uncles shaming me because I weighed 110 and she weighed less than 100 lbs. It didn't register at 12 that my 5'4 inches SHOULD weigh more than her 4'11". But she was older and I believed that weight is something to be feared. These feelings of being less than perfect were what set me up on the yo-yo dieting self fulfilling prophesy that has landed me where I am today.

I kept my weight down through most of high school and college by a cycle of binging and purging and never weighing myself. I was never skinny but not big either. But that fear of a scales was so pervasive in my life that the only time I weighed myself was when I was at the doctor's office.

Part of being able to change is being willing to admit to yourself who you are and embrace it. If the 198 days I have left are going to be successful, I will need to take a good hard look at myself and accept where I am and that I can change that for the better. Perhaps tomorrow I will brave the scale. Perhaps not. But, I know my journey cannot really begin until I do.

Paving A Foundation

If you're at all like me, this a journey you've been on before and one you've never quite arrived at the destination of. We all make promises to ourselves about what we need to do to better our lives and make us happier, healthier, more productive people. Yet somehow, that path to a better self is filled with obstacles and distractions. At first, we are always excited and motivated and determined to make the destination a reality, but somewhere down the road, the travel becomes less of a priority. Somewhere we lose our way. We get lost. We find our self back at the beginning. Then we get discouraged. Then we allow ourselves excuses as to why not this time and why it wasn't meant to be.

I'm tired of excuses. I am tired of not having the health physically and emotionally that I would consider ideal. I am tired of not having the career I crave. I am tired of deleting photos because I don't want to be reminded of how far off track I have let myself become.

Today I feel hopeful. Today I feel I have a plan of action to move forward and a map to guide me. I hope to (intend to) write every day on this blog about how far I've come in order to leave myself a trail of breadcrumbs so I won't backtrack or get distracted.

They say it takes 21 days to form a habit. I am pretty sure that is simply a myth. But perseverance is the key to lifelong change. I am going to take that arbitrary number and times that by ten, then by ten again in order to keep redefining my personal image of self and my ideal of health.

My short term goals are to spend every day doing some physical activity for at least 15 minutes, to write at least a page for my personal projects, to meditate for at least 30 minutes daily on my goals and my accomplishments, to track what I eat, to spend at least 1 day a week on de-stressing and checking in on myself, and to cut out processed, pre-packaged, and fast food from 90% of my diet. I'll probably add more goals as I go, but for now. This is the foundation

Day one of this endeavor was met with the expected excitement and determination. Lets see if I can keep going.

xoxo

KW