Pretty Face

There is a saying often heard by overweight people and intended as a motivating compliment "You have SUCH a pretty face, if you only lost a little..." There is a joke that goes along with this phrase about the woman who lost a bunch of weight only to find out her friends were wrong...

I don't believe beauty is contingent on size. I don't think losing or gaining weight makes anyone prettier or less pretty. Happiness and confidence make someone beautiful. Ask me. I have never been truly thin and I have never lacked for admirers. And, despite having been perfectly nestled in the "ideal weight" zone at various points of my life, I have never lacked for haters either. Only a woman understands this as men usually never face this petty behavior. Nor do they face the weight scrutiny to the same extent. Fat is such an ugly word I have heard thrown at the prettiest of girls. Remember when Jennifer Lawrence was "fat" or when Kate Upton was "fat" or heck, remember hot Lindsay Lohan during Mean Girls? She was fat too. I am not altogether convinced that the verbal abuse at the hands of other women didn't drive her to addiction in an effort to be thin. Here's a truth, I considered it myself. I considered how much easier it would be to be thin if I just took speed or cocaine. I knew people who were addicts in order to maintain a look. While working out has never been hard, dieting always had been. If only there was something that made me not want to eat...

Back to the face. I hate hate hate being sweaty. I hate sweating in front of people. This made working out a challenge. Because I always felt disgusting and like people were noticing me being disgusting. Not that I would look at their sweaty faces. Plus, I am cursed with a strong blush factor, so when I work hard, I sweat and turn red. Naturally rosy cheeks go into overdrive under exertion. So all my life, whenever I worked out ( or drank too much) people would ask me if I was okay. Which is nice and all, but does mean they will be looking at my sweaty face.

Nonetheless, With a bit over a week under my belt of regular intense workout, I am starting to enjoy sweating. I mean, its only in front of my husband and sometimes my sister, but still progress is progress. Gross admission, after a hard workout, I like to see the sweat bead at my pores. Gross, I know. But my face is getting so much brighter and clearer, because of the regular exertion. I imagine this must be why people benefit from regular visits to the sauna.

Like many women the first place I can see my efforts in is my face. Its not that my face is prettier per say, but just that it begins shifting. My eyes look bigger, my jawline sharpens and my face is more heart shape than round. I never lose my cheeks, but that is okay as I have grown to tolerate them. I find myself looking in mirrors more trying to discern the smallest of changes, because that keeps my focused and energized. So I will take my pretty face and allow it to replace the scale for a bit. The scale issue last week really got me down. I'm not strong enough to face it daily or weekly. I will add that in the second leg of this challenge. But for this first 50 days, I will focus on the things I have more control over, like what I eat and how I work out or how I check in and relax. My job for the rest of this quarter is closing out the negativity and focus on healing. In the end, these victories are more important than the scale.

That Delicious Ache

Working out doesn't come naturally to most people. We have been trained in the art of convenience. Expend the least effort for the most productivity. This is what the work world teaches you. Work smarter, not harder. And if you have free time, is working out really how you want to spend it?

I work a lot. 40 hours in the office, another 10-20 freelance from home. This is when I am not on set. When I am working a film I easily put in 80-100 hour work weeks. Free time tends to get divided amongst home responsibilities that I neglect during the week (like maybe 2-3 loads of dishes and laundry... ), quality time with my husband, and quality time with close friends and family-- when I can get it. So with all of the above obligations, finding the time to work out can become as tiresome as working out itself. Working out tends to make its way to a back burner.  Sure, I walk to work most days, so that's a great built in routine.  I highly recommend walking or biking to work if you don't have time otherwise and if you find working out difficult. Walking to work forces me to get my 2 miles in each morning and allows me time to reflect on my week and to check in with myself.

Still, with the new healthy outlook I am trying to imbue in myself, I needed to make working out a priority.

One problem was my mind is incredibly active, so I tend to find traditional fitness routines and aerobics tapes a bit dull.  My mind cannot stay focused on them to the point of enjoyment, so I tend to quit earlier than I should or than I have to. Secondly, I am an extremely self conscious and extremely competitive person, so working out in front of people or with people I do not feel completely at ease with causes me to react in a couple of ways: one way being embarrassed that people are watching and judging me, because I AM watching and judging me, and two, that I push myself too hard, much harder than I am ready for because I feel the subconscious need to keep up. The first problem I am sure is all in my mind, but being that it IS in my mind, it is a difficult issue to overcome. I don't like to put myself out there for others to judge unless I am already competent at whatever the activity may be. The second issue is a physical one, that cause me to injure myself for the sake of pride, thus ensuring that I cannot continue with the proper pacing.

So how does someone as messed up as me find a way to stick to their routine without causing a physical or nervous breakdown.

I've rediscovered the wonders of the wii, and maintained a consistent routine for the last 5 days of boxing, karate, and dance. The game judges my form and accuracy, while simultaneously keeping track of my scores, time and goals. No one but a computer is judging me and I am constantly in competition against myself. I push myself hard, but not as hard as I might were I keeping up with a person who is naturally thin and athletic. It keeps my mind focused through constant feedback, but gives me the privacy to explore my physical limitations and rebuild my confidence. I have clocked 30-60minutes for the last 5 days and can feel the ache of physical accomplishment, but not the exhaustion of overexertion. So far this is working for me. Maybe after I meet my first mini goal (50 days in) I will brave working out publicly, but for now, working out in the privacy of my home allows me to spend quality time with myself and my husband, since he occasionally joins me for a round of boxing or Karate or yoga.

I'm still working at controlling my food issues. Eating cleaner, but I am still having difficulty with the evenings. I spent some time this weekend preparing healthy options for when I come home ravenous. I hope that this soon becomes second nature, because it can be frustrating and discouraging.

I also have began (restarted) protein shakes and bars for my morning meals and afternoon snacks. I find wonderslim protein shakes to be the best tasting if you need quick fix meals (like I do in the mornings) and they are reasonably priced.  Also, if you cannot get past a sweet tooth, bariwise protein bars are almost as good as a candy bar, and you don't need to feel guilty for eating 1 when you are craving chocolate and caramel. Here is a link to their website to order and you get a $10-$20 credit if you use it. https://www.dietdirect.com/rewardsref/index/refer/id/109949/

Until tomorrow.