When Time Crawls.

So far having a healthy pregnancy has been one of the most terrifying and complicated experiences of my life. Every misstep is hyper-dramatized. I am a crazy cautious new mom-- trying to do what is best for the baby and adhere to all the extreme guidelines. I read on forums tons of mothers who aren't scared of cold cuts or soft cheeses or even the occasional glass of wine. Those moms are not me. I am doing this by the book, actively choking down anything deemed baby superfood.

This is really hard if you have terrible morning sickness, which I have. morning, noon, night sickness. I feel like I am in the midst of the worst flu of my life with no end in site. Still I choke down the water and fruit and veggies, knowing they're bound to come back up half an hour later.

Its hard to be excited, or rather AS excited as everyone around you is when you feel like you are being killed from the inside out. So far the first trimester has proved to be an extremely trying experience.

For one, the doctors assume they don't need to be tender or cautious with women over the age of 18. When truth be told, its just as likely (if not more likely because they are entering this world informed) for them to be terrified of the experience too.

I am not terrified of gaining weight or how giving birth will feel. I am terrified of making a mistake and hurting my baby. But even more so, I am terrified of not making a mistake and losing my baby just the same.  The odds of healthy and easy pregnancy are surprisingly not in your favor for how many children there are in this world.

Today i sent my condolences to two women on my pregnancy group who had lost their babies, and my heart aches for them. One had already announced it and I think it might be worse having to let everyone else down too rather than mourn in private.

When your pregnant, you don't just worry about the big stuff, you worry about every little thing. Oh no I slept on my back, that's bad for the baby! Oh no I had too much sugar or salt, that's bad for the baby! Oh no I am getting stressed! That is BAD for the baby! There are so many rules and guidelines to follow. I wonder which is worse, being really strict with yourself and having something go wrong? Or being really careless and having something go wrong?

I hear after the baby is born that I will miss being pregnant and that the pregnant time flew by. Right now, its crawling as I sip my ginger all and nibble on dry cereal and saltines, praying I can make it through the work day.

But the sickness tells you things are going well at least. The baby is measuring 2 months with a heart rate of 180 BPM so its looking good. Just 7 more months right? Just 4 weeks before I can tell people. I wonder if you ever begin to feel confident or safe in this? Maybe once the baby starts moving...but then again, there are other things to worry about.

Just don't worry, it's bad for the baby.