When Time Crawls.

So far having a healthy pregnancy has been one of the most terrifying and complicated experiences of my life. Every misstep is hyper-dramatized. I am a crazy cautious new mom-- trying to do what is best for the baby and adhere to all the extreme guidelines. I read on forums tons of mothers who aren't scared of cold cuts or soft cheeses or even the occasional glass of wine. Those moms are not me. I am doing this by the book, actively choking down anything deemed baby superfood.

This is really hard if you have terrible morning sickness, which I have. morning, noon, night sickness. I feel like I am in the midst of the worst flu of my life with no end in site. Still I choke down the water and fruit and veggies, knowing they're bound to come back up half an hour later.

Its hard to be excited, or rather AS excited as everyone around you is when you feel like you are being killed from the inside out. So far the first trimester has proved to be an extremely trying experience.

For one, the doctors assume they don't need to be tender or cautious with women over the age of 18. When truth be told, its just as likely (if not more likely because they are entering this world informed) for them to be terrified of the experience too.

I am not terrified of gaining weight or how giving birth will feel. I am terrified of making a mistake and hurting my baby. But even more so, I am terrified of not making a mistake and losing my baby just the same.  The odds of healthy and easy pregnancy are surprisingly not in your favor for how many children there are in this world.

Today i sent my condolences to two women on my pregnancy group who had lost their babies, and my heart aches for them. One had already announced it and I think it might be worse having to let everyone else down too rather than mourn in private.

When your pregnant, you don't just worry about the big stuff, you worry about every little thing. Oh no I slept on my back, that's bad for the baby! Oh no I had too much sugar or salt, that's bad for the baby! Oh no I am getting stressed! That is BAD for the baby! There are so many rules and guidelines to follow. I wonder which is worse, being really strict with yourself and having something go wrong? Or being really careless and having something go wrong?

I hear after the baby is born that I will miss being pregnant and that the pregnant time flew by. Right now, its crawling as I sip my ginger all and nibble on dry cereal and saltines, praying I can make it through the work day.

But the sickness tells you things are going well at least. The baby is measuring 2 months with a heart rate of 180 BPM so its looking good. Just 7 more months right? Just 4 weeks before I can tell people. I wonder if you ever begin to feel confident or safe in this? Maybe once the baby starts moving...but then again, there are other things to worry about.

Just don't worry, it's bad for the baby.

230 Days to Health... baby.

Its been a while since I last posted and it wasn't because I was knocked down off my path to healthy, but rather that I was knocked up. I'm breaking the news here before  have even posted it to my marriage blog "Paper Trails" because somehow it seems safer to talk about health efforts here than to talk about motherhood fears there. I guess all the extra careful attention I was paying to my health made my body feel that it was time to start a family. Needless to say, I've been dealing with a lot lately, between family, and work, and now this, I am more overwhelmed than I have been in a while. Still, I am determined to continue in my overall health goals, not just for me, but for the little one. I'm determined to double my efforts the remaining 230 days of my pregnancy and come out the other side healthier than before.

This experience has been terrifying thus far. I have another 5 weeks before I make it to the second trimester and announce this to more of my world. Until then, I may keep some of my posts private until I am ready to share and I am sure everything is going fine. Wish me or rather us luck!

The Onion

Choosing a healthy lifestyle is a layered experience. It is as much about tearing down as it is about building up and quite a few layers can be shed without obviously noticeable differences. Sometimes it is difficult to see the small variations because we are looking at something too close.

People are seeing changes in me. It is through their eyes that I am noticing the differences too. I guess its like peeling an onion. You can remove a number of layers but the onion will still be round. It is only when compared to its original self that immediate change can be seen. Self control is easier, not perfect, but not like climbing Everest. I have learned to be less emotional about the journey, which is great. There is a lot less need for support because habits are beginning to form. The small changes, a tighter tummy, a more defined waist and jaw line, these are victories that inspire further dedication and motivate me forward. I find myself contentedly working out alone and enjoying the time to challenge myself. Further, I am learning to be content wherever I am. I am not working out hard and looking for immediate shifts in my weight or looks. I am not desperately seeking a quick fix. I am now on the road to healthy.

I am learning what works best for me. I am still a looooooong way from where I want to be, but I know that there is forward momentum to this journey and I am learning to really appreciate the journey more than the destination. Life will pass us by so quickly if simply marked in destinations.

A momentary check in

So I've been painfully short on time, which has tragically kept me from checking in as often as I would like. The sleep experiment is coming along adequately. I have found that the valerian root tea is amazing, but leaves me groggy in the mornings, the mouth guard will take a lot more practice, the breathing exercises are wonderful, but so easy to overlook and bypass when time is an issue, but the breath right strips are an ineffective gimmick.

I'm still pushing through my morning workouts. I switched my routine and found that I had worked myself too hard on Monday which resulted in a rather achy and miserable past two days. Nevertheless, I worked through that pain and continued my workouts and my walking.

My eating is a bit more in control, but my stress level is still through the roof. I am hoping the carousel slows down so I can get off it soon and feel I am moving forward more. Nearly at the 50 day mark. Thinking 200 days wont be enough... We'll see.

The A-B-C's of Zzzzzzs

A lot of this blog has talked about diet and exercise and stress. All of these are fundamental obstacles to my overall health. As I begin to tackle them I realize that managing my health isn't simply like finding a combination on a combination lock, rather it is layered like an onion. Each of these layers is riddled with a cause and effect scenario.

Do I stress because I don't exercise enough or do I not exercise enough because I'm stressed?
Does my intake hurt my output or vice versa?

The truth is everything about one's health is a push pull effect. I am stressed and don't eat well, because I am not working out enough. I am not working out enough or eating well because I am stressed. Eating poorly is the reason I am stressed and have no energy to work out. Understanding my health is like solving the mystery of the chicken versus the egg. Which came first? Did they both arrive together.

A couple big hurdles to my health and well being are my sleep issues. Poor sleep causes a lack of energy (yeah, duh) but also lowers one's will power, makes one feel hungrier, leads to weight gain, and makes one prone to depression and anxiety.

Up until this point, other than "trying to get more sleep" I havent really done much to address my issues. I inherited a lot from my dad: His keen sense of observation, his analytical mind, his drive towards excellence. I also inherited his insomnia and his sleep apnea. Like my dad, I haven't done much to approach the problem aside  from being prescribed sleeping pills as a teenager. I didn't like the way they felt or having to rely on a chemical to get rest, so I didn't continue taking them.

I've been considering what I eat and when I work out in terms of sleep, but that hasn't made much effect. I am beginning to wonder if my sleepless is, after all, more of the cause than the effect.

Now that the exercising has become second nature, I have decided to tackle sleep rather than food. I know throughout my life whenever I've been rested I have had a ton of energy and self control and dropped inches fast. I also know that I go through bouts of poor sleep that last months at a time.

I'm a functional zombie.

I've tried meditative music and yoga. My trouble is definitely staying asleep long enough for my body to really repair itself. Most nights the best sleep I get is after 5:00am, which isn't good if one still works in the morning.

My apnea is less consistent than my insomnia. It really only comes out in full force when I've been suffering from sleeplessness and anxiety. This is not to say it isn't there, just that its less severe when I am not stressed. One of the symptoms of mild apnea is repeated awakenings throughout the evening-- that totally happens even when it has been months since I've woken up gasping for air.

Anyhow, I decided to experiment with ways to sleep better. I've invested in some mildly calming organic bedtime tea, a good sleep guided meditation, a jaw guard to help keep my airways from collapsing (I'm petrified of this), some breathright strips for the same reason, and Frolov's breathing device to help me strengthen my lunch capacity.

I know this must seem excessive, but for anyone who has ever spent 85% of their nights tossing and turning, you don't know how frustrating it is to not sleep, when sleeping should be the easiest thing in the world.

Hopefully, once I retrain myself to rest, the clean diet and low stress lifestyle will be accomplishable, but deep down I know, unless I am able to rest, I'll never truly be able to be healthy.

Second Nature

They say the hardest part about weight loss is the maintenance. They say the hardest part about getting healthy is the first few steps of making a decision to BE healthy. I agree with both these arguments. The problem in both cases is habit. Breaking a habit and reverting back to a habit.

On the breaking a habit point, the thing that hurts the most is self judgement. When taking the first baby steps to a healthy lifestyle, one becomes hyper aware of themselves and the way that people might perceive them. I've been known to tone down a work out or two or eat something I shouldn't because I didn't want to be seen as the girl on a diet. I didn't want that judgement to weigh on my shoulders because I was already judging myself.

Once you meet a goal, the issue moves from judgement to complacency. Lets face it, our most unhealthy habits are the most comfortable. Like slipping into a threadbare t-shirt and sweats. Does it look good? No. Does it feel great? Sure. Because it is easy.

Change is always a struggle. So it is important not to see the journey in terms of failure or success. It shouldn't have a beginning or end. There shouldn't be an accomplishable goal because that is simply setting yourself up for failure. Instead change should be part of a metamorphosis. A new way of life, that you are continually growing and learning about.  You can never admit to yourself that you did a good job, because the result will be complacency. Instead, I am learning that the journey is unending and the further I go the more I will understand and the more I will realize I still don't know. This is the heart of dedication.

Dear Wagon, I'm still on you!

I am not one of those people who should be allowed cheat days. Cheat days or meals or even snacks have a snowballing impact on my bad behavior. So, in so much as possible, I have remained "Good".

Good doesn't always yield results and therefore, good can be frustrating.

I really have kicked up working out a notch, which in turn has resulted in my routine beginning to feel too easy. Just as I form a habit the habit itself becomes a crutch. I feel that the longer I work out, the more often I am "dialing it in" so I need to find something that offers the right amount of stick-to-it-ness and challenge.

I've come to grips with the fact that changing my evening meal is like climbing Everest. I thought maybe more practical steps were the way to go. This last week, in spite of a crazy work schedule, I have been focusing on relaxation and better sleep. I am incorporating more yoga and meditation into my life and trying to get to bed earlier so I can wake up earlier and be productive. Insomnia has always been a challenge but if I can conquer insomnia it will be that much easier to control my diet as lack of sleep has been tied to hunger and weight gain.

Anyhow, work is still a madhouse so I'll have to write more soon.