The A-B-C's of Zzzzzzs

A lot of this blog has talked about diet and exercise and stress. All of these are fundamental obstacles to my overall health. As I begin to tackle them I realize that managing my health isn't simply like finding a combination on a combination lock, rather it is layered like an onion. Each of these layers is riddled with a cause and effect scenario.

Do I stress because I don't exercise enough or do I not exercise enough because I'm stressed?
Does my intake hurt my output or vice versa?

The truth is everything about one's health is a push pull effect. I am stressed and don't eat well, because I am not working out enough. I am not working out enough or eating well because I am stressed. Eating poorly is the reason I am stressed and have no energy to work out. Understanding my health is like solving the mystery of the chicken versus the egg. Which came first? Did they both arrive together.

A couple big hurdles to my health and well being are my sleep issues. Poor sleep causes a lack of energy (yeah, duh) but also lowers one's will power, makes one feel hungrier, leads to weight gain, and makes one prone to depression and anxiety.

Up until this point, other than "trying to get more sleep" I havent really done much to address my issues. I inherited a lot from my dad: His keen sense of observation, his analytical mind, his drive towards excellence. I also inherited his insomnia and his sleep apnea. Like my dad, I haven't done much to approach the problem aside  from being prescribed sleeping pills as a teenager. I didn't like the way they felt or having to rely on a chemical to get rest, so I didn't continue taking them.

I've been considering what I eat and when I work out in terms of sleep, but that hasn't made much effect. I am beginning to wonder if my sleepless is, after all, more of the cause than the effect.

Now that the exercising has become second nature, I have decided to tackle sleep rather than food. I know throughout my life whenever I've been rested I have had a ton of energy and self control and dropped inches fast. I also know that I go through bouts of poor sleep that last months at a time.

I'm a functional zombie.

I've tried meditative music and yoga. My trouble is definitely staying asleep long enough for my body to really repair itself. Most nights the best sleep I get is after 5:00am, which isn't good if one still works in the morning.

My apnea is less consistent than my insomnia. It really only comes out in full force when I've been suffering from sleeplessness and anxiety. This is not to say it isn't there, just that its less severe when I am not stressed. One of the symptoms of mild apnea is repeated awakenings throughout the evening-- that totally happens even when it has been months since I've woken up gasping for air.

Anyhow, I decided to experiment with ways to sleep better. I've invested in some mildly calming organic bedtime tea, a good sleep guided meditation, a jaw guard to help keep my airways from collapsing (I'm petrified of this), some breathright strips for the same reason, and Frolov's breathing device to help me strengthen my lunch capacity.

I know this must seem excessive, but for anyone who has ever spent 85% of their nights tossing and turning, you don't know how frustrating it is to not sleep, when sleeping should be the easiest thing in the world.

Hopefully, once I retrain myself to rest, the clean diet and low stress lifestyle will be accomplishable, but deep down I know, unless I am able to rest, I'll never truly be able to be healthy.

Of Sour Notes and Bitter Pills

Halfway through the week and I have failed to post more than this one blog. It has been an incredibly trying week. From Sunday morning this week has been riddled with stress and disasters. Halfway though, I am licking my wounds and trying to muster the energy to move forward. Once I make it though, I will be stronger for it, won't I?

Saturday was incredibly busy with family and friend obligation dragging us all over the Inland Empire and Los Angeles County. We ended last week on a relatively manic note which was a prelude to what this week had in store.

The week began with a frantic phone call to my mother. It seems my grandmother has been doing very poorly. She is in her mid-late 90s and stubborn as a mule and dealing with depression. She has decided to punish my grandfather, who suffers from Parkinson's, for being lazy by refusing to leave the couch and refusing to eat or drink for a week. All my Sunday plans were dropped in order to deal with this. My husband was a wonderful support in the endeavor. We had to forgo our plans to get outdoors or to work on personal projects. We even forwent on our necessary errands such as grocery shopping and laundry in order to help deal with the crisis. While the crisis has not completely subsided, we were able to get some food into her and schedule a next mini intervention. She is stubborn and refuses to live closer to her children who can offer assistance or even in a retirement environment. She values her autonomy, yet is stubborn enough to basically allow herself to become suicidal in order to punish those around her.

We made it home late enough that there wasn't time or energy to go to the store which has translated into some poor food options for the subsequent days out of convenience. There poor options in turn are wrecking havoc on my system and making it hard to get the rest I so desperately need after the weekend's endeavors. I am utterly disappointed in myself. I feel like I am failing at life today.

Work has been an absolute mess, with one of the "fixes" our new web developers have implemented ended up crashing our database which left me scrambling after hours trying to put our client fires and pin-point exactly what was causing the issue. By the time I head home I am completely defeated, and, of course forced to work extra from home as many of the fires were still kindling. On top of this, there is a teeter tottering with me and our web guys where they are constantly claiming "fixed" only for me to find the issues are still there and requiring me to repeat myself 4 or 5 times before the issues are actually addressed. Its a process I suppose.

Hubby's work has also been giving him the run around and it is rare for him to work an 8 hour day, often clocking 10 hours plus off the clock phone calls, so I can't rely on him to pick up my slack.

My brother is also not doing well depression wise, and this is making me concerned for his well being at the cost of my own. I play the role of the fixer in my family-- the person who is available in a pinch to manage whatever issues may arise. It can be exhausting.

I've come home ravenous and anxious and exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically the last few days. I have not even come close to maintaining my nutrition goals. On top of that, I seem to be getting added stress from friends whose good intentions have a negative impact on my current fragile psychological state. "You know the risk of Downs increases greatly if you get pregnant after 30, so you better not wait too long." *sigh* Innocent statements are weighing me down. There is just too much pressure in my world right now and I am so very tired.

My friend and mentor Saul Landau passed away yesterday. This political giant greatly influenced my life course and a big part of me is heart broken we hadn't gotten an opportunity to reconnect recently. I would never have gone into film or left my position at Cal Poly Pomona if it hadn't been at his urging. He had so much faith in me and was such an inspiration in my life. I miss him immensely. This news is also weighing me down.

The week is only half done, and I need to come up for air soon. I cannot continue to pretend to be swimming along fine. If you keep pretending, how can you tell if you're drowning?

My saving grace is that I have maintained my workout routine consistently in spite of the pressure. It hasn't exactly energized me, but I am happy I am not letting everything slip to the wayside. Got to trudge forward, if I keep kicking and remembering to breath I should make it out of these rough waters, won't I?

Holiday Blue

One of the most difficult parts of sticking to my healthy routine has been dealing with family which is, not surprisingly, one of the expectations of a holiday weekend. This past weekend we ended up visiting my brother's house to meet up with my parents and a couple of aunts and uncles. Getting out of your own environment poses a couple of problems: Foremost that you lose control of your healthier options unless you choose to be rude, and too, that you come face to face with excessive amounts of temptation. From 8pm when we arrived to 7 pm when we left there were no real healthy options. From the fast food Thai when we arrived to the carne asada quesadillas and cupcakes when we left, it was hard to stay on track without seeming like a fool. The best I could do was portion control which I definitely accomplished, and sneaking healthier fare when people weren't looking, specifically an extra helping of fruit instead of breakfast bars or nachos.

I suppose that this dilemma could be alleviated by simply stating to everyone my dietary goals, but this also tends to be counter productive for me. When everyone knows I am trying to lose weight, I feel I get judged for my progress. At this stage that judgement is preemptive and discouraging. I am not even 1/4 the way through my experiment and I know my family well enough to know that they will respond discouragingly if informed too soon about my life changes. Nothing stings worse than working hard only for people you love to not notice the progress or celebrate the accomplishment.

My mom has had weight issues all her life, so there is a good chance she laid the groundwork for my own unhealthy relationship with food. My husband often asks why both my sister and I view food as love and a reward, and it makes sense that this behavior is groomed into us. Being that my mom experienced the same issues, she is often the first to respond that I am getting fat or that my face is puffy. If, god forbid, I let her know I am dieting, rather than offering validation by saying that this is a good thing, she often retorts "Well you really need to do SOMETHING about this" at which point she gestures to a problem area as though I had not even stated that that was my intention. This equals feelings of low self worth and guilt which translate to binge eating.  There are a lot of unhelpful things you can say to someone who struggles with their weight. Honestly, unless you want to offer them a workout or diet partner or simply want to say "Good job" keep whatever thought you have to yourself.  There is a delicate balance when someone is trying to change their life by working out a new routine, and a careless word can easily throw them off course.

Also, I hate the notoriety of people watching me succeed or fail. The extra pressure involved outweighs the goal or desire to better myself. I'd rather make my decisions privately and share my decisions and successes with those who I know will offer unending support. Then, everyone else can know once it physically becomes obvious. Even then, this isn't about a diet. This is about being healthier. Not simply physically, but emotionally as well.

Peanut Butter Stress

Last night I came home bordering on miserable. It was so bad that I think I only got around 2-4 hours of actual rest, most of the night revolved around thinking and strategizing about work.

Rewind back to 5:00 PM. Work has been crazy for the last three months prior to this kick off of a new lifestyle. I mean crazy that involved crimes and lawyers and massive and abrupt changes to my work environment.

Rewind back further to the last time I was svelte. Before I first started dating my now husband, before my dad got sick and before my "adopted" granddad passed away.

Rewind further to where my first college director tried to do the unthinkable.

Rewind further to my best friend snorting a line of speed in front of me my freshman year of high school.

Each of these moments was met with the same learned reaction. To eat for comfort. To eat because no other reaction was acceptable or beneficial. Not that eating was that either, but it was private and if you ate enough your emotions dulled. Eat because it was better than crying. Eat because it was better than a breakdown. Eat because it was safe. Many of them were followed by a period of weight gain, then loss. Over the years the food/stress dilemma has become so ingrained in my behavior.  A Pavlovian response.

How do you change that? How do you change things that you have been doing for half your life?

Last night was a particularly stressful night. I had come up with a very lucrative business idea and someone was trying to steal the rug out from under me. I agonized over the choices of remaining quiet and resentful or speaking up and preparing for war. I was too emotional to see other options. So I made cookies. Luckily they were healthier in the grand scheme of things than many other options, if such a thing as a healthy cooking exists. Nevertheless, not the best choice. My sister, my husband and I finished the batch, though I am sure I had more than my fair share. And lets face it, my sister and husband are skinny, so no one cares if they take the extra cookie.

My first direct challenge to address is to change the stress food response in my life. When I feel stressed I need to come up with a viable distraction that takes my mind off the stress and the food. We'll see how this goes.

This Balancing Act is Harder than it Looks

It is tough to remember to celebrate small victories as you retrain yourself to think and be healthier. Its much easier to get bogged down in how you have been a failure, in paranoia, in self doubt. Its easy to send yourself down a spiral where you dig your hole deeper because your goal seems impossible.  Yesterday I did... Okay. I did great for breakfast and lunch, that part of the day is easy. I'm at work. I'm focused. I am a machine. I should celebrate that for the last 3 days I have eaten 75% clean. .. If only I could maintain focus once the whistle blows at 5:00pm.

Somehow all the stress I refuse to allow myself to feel ends up condensing when I get home. I am completely exhausted. More so when the office is slow versus when it is busy. All I want when I get out of there is comfort it whatever form that may come. Usually it comes in the form of junk TV and junk food. This is how I have conditioned myself to de-stress. I recently purchased a wii-u in order to redefine my stress response activities in a way I won't feel is punishment, especially at these early stages when buying time to focus on changing my life can feel a touch overwhelming. I found that if I can believe that work is a game, I am more likely to make it a part of daily routine. Yes, this probably means that I am undisciplined, but I am working on it.

I have not yet weighed myself. This is a sign of how ashamed I must be about where I am at. I have uploaded a ton of trackers to my phone to help me stay on track but have not yet brought myself to step on a scale. I remember having weight shame way back when I was in junior high. I wasn't even over weight then. I am 5'6.5" and weighed 132 and I was so paralyzed with shame because my girlfriends all weighed less than 115. I remember a baby-sitter we had when I was younger staying at my aunt and uncles shaming me because I weighed 110 and she weighed less than 100 lbs. It didn't register at 12 that my 5'4 inches SHOULD weigh more than her 4'11". But she was older and I believed that weight is something to be feared. These feelings of being less than perfect were what set me up on the yo-yo dieting self fulfilling prophesy that has landed me where I am today.

I kept my weight down through most of high school and college by a cycle of binging and purging and never weighing myself. I was never skinny but not big either. But that fear of a scales was so pervasive in my life that the only time I weighed myself was when I was at the doctor's office.

Part of being able to change is being willing to admit to yourself who you are and embrace it. If the 198 days I have left are going to be successful, I will need to take a good hard look at myself and accept where I am and that I can change that for the better. Perhaps tomorrow I will brave the scale. Perhaps not. But, I know my journey cannot really begin until I do.