It is tough to remember to celebrate small victories as you retrain yourself to think and be healthier. Its much easier to get bogged down in how you have been a failure, in paranoia, in self doubt. Its easy to send yourself down a spiral where you dig your hole deeper because your goal seems impossible. Yesterday I did... Okay. I did great for breakfast and lunch, that part of the day is easy. I'm at work. I'm focused. I am a machine. I should celebrate that for the last 3 days I have eaten 75% clean. .. If only I could maintain focus once the whistle blows at 5:00pm.
Somehow all the stress I refuse to allow myself to feel ends up condensing when I get home. I am completely exhausted. More so when the office is slow versus when it is busy. All I want when I get out of there is comfort it whatever form that may come. Usually it comes in the form of junk TV and junk food. This is how I have conditioned myself to de-stress. I recently purchased a wii-u in order to redefine my stress response activities in a way I won't feel is punishment, especially at these early stages when buying time to focus on changing my life can feel a touch overwhelming. I found that if I can believe that work is a game, I am more likely to make it a part of daily routine. Yes, this probably means that I am undisciplined, but I am working on it.
I have not yet weighed myself. This is a sign of how ashamed I must be about where I am at. I have uploaded a ton of trackers to my phone to help me stay on track but have not yet brought myself to step on a scale. I remember having weight shame way back when I was in junior high. I wasn't even over weight then. I am 5'6.5" and weighed 132 and I was so paralyzed with shame because my girlfriends all weighed less than 115. I remember a baby-sitter we had when I was younger staying at my aunt and uncles shaming me because I weighed 110 and she weighed less than 100 lbs. It didn't register at 12 that my 5'4 inches SHOULD weigh more than her 4'11". But she was older and I believed that weight is something to be feared. These feelings of being less than perfect were what set me up on the yo-yo dieting self fulfilling prophesy that has landed me where I am today.
I kept my weight down through most of high school and college by a cycle of binging and purging and never weighing myself. I was never skinny but not big either. But that fear of a scales was so pervasive in my life that the only time I weighed myself was when I was at the doctor's office.
Part of being able to change is being willing to admit to yourself who you are and embrace it. If the 198 days I have left are going to be successful, I will need to take a good hard look at myself and accept where I am and that I can change that for the better. Perhaps tomorrow I will brave the scale. Perhaps not. But, I know my journey cannot really begin until I do.
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