Dear Wagon, I'm still on you!

I am not one of those people who should be allowed cheat days. Cheat days or meals or even snacks have a snowballing impact on my bad behavior. So, in so much as possible, I have remained "Good".

Good doesn't always yield results and therefore, good can be frustrating.

I really have kicked up working out a notch, which in turn has resulted in my routine beginning to feel too easy. Just as I form a habit the habit itself becomes a crutch. I feel that the longer I work out, the more often I am "dialing it in" so I need to find something that offers the right amount of stick-to-it-ness and challenge.

I've come to grips with the fact that changing my evening meal is like climbing Everest. I thought maybe more practical steps were the way to go. This last week, in spite of a crazy work schedule, I have been focusing on relaxation and better sleep. I am incorporating more yoga and meditation into my life and trying to get to bed earlier so I can wake up earlier and be productive. Insomnia has always been a challenge but if I can conquer insomnia it will be that much easier to control my diet as lack of sleep has been tied to hunger and weight gain.

Anyhow, work is still a madhouse so I'll have to write more soon.

Lets kick this up a notch!

I still find myself favoring the exercise over the diet, despite the fact that I completely understand that weight is 80/20 in diet's favor. I am officially 1 month into this experiment and still surprised by how much I am learning about myself. A friends wedding is in just over 300 days so I am toying with continuing the logged and active dedication for 300 days... But I am hoping that by 200 days it will simply be a lifestyle rather than an active effort. I guess what I am saying is that, after 200 days, if I still find this to be an physical and psychological struggle, then I will extend the time and continue the metamorphosis to self awareness and personal responsibility for my health and well being.

Diet is such an extreme struggle. just recognizing my triggers is a feat, but recognizing them doesn't automatically mean tackling them. Baby steps I suppose.

My workout has definitely been taken up a notch, opting to bookend my day with at least half an hour in the mornings or the evenings, often stretching much further than an hour a day. I feel sore. But not so sore that I cant continue. I'm not minding sweating as much because my face seems to greatly appreciate the sweat bath, looking more glowing and youthful. I'm getting a little vain and enjoying what a pretty girl I am underneath all the stress and self damage. Its exciting to see the small changes. I am definitely losing (yes the word is losing not loosing as the internet believes) weight from the top down and really seeing changes on my face, neck, and upper waist. I never lose my boobs, thankfully for the hubby. I am DYING to lose the extra that I carry on my lower waist hips and thighs as that will greatly improve my wardrobe.

I would like to believe that this process isn't one of punishment and reward, but that the action is the reward in itself, but lets face it, I'm still a child and need to be reminded I am good. As such, hubby has promised me a shopping spree for new clothes at my halfway point and I am imagining looking forward to shopping. That in itself will be a major shift in my life.

Polarity

Change is not easy, especially when that change is rooted to something as deep as perception. I have found that the first tenth of my experiment has taught me the highs and lows of this process. It is strange to reflect on this bi-polar existence of dogged determination counterpointed with equal bouts of elation and desolation. I find my motivation varies to the extreme minute to minute. One moment I can be pumped and having fun and working out and focused, the next I am depressed and lethargic and willing to throw in the towel.

This morning I was proud an encouraged following a long and intense workout, than I was angry and irritated by what I had not accomplished in my house because I was busy working out, then I went to shower and was certain I could see the physical changes in my face and body of nearly a month of focused dedication to fitness and active efforts on diet most days, then 20 minutes later the illusion was shattered when I discovered my too small pants were still too small.

The extreme emotional ups and downs are tiresome. The accomplishments in point of view are encouraging, but not sustainable. Still, maybe I need to look at this differently too. Maybe these emotional extremes are not a sign of being unbalanced or that the highs are unsustainable, maybe instead I should view it as the same way a snake sheds its skin. Maybe the moments of elation and determination is the new skin peeking through the dead skin I am sloughing off.  I hope so. Because I would like to believe self confidence is something more balanced and less fleeting.

This experiment is a game, and who quits after stage 1 of Mario bros because the Goombas were too hard? I just need to wait out this polarity a little longer and hopefully in the next 25 days or so I will see a shift to more of the positive and less of the seesawing.

One can only hope.

Birthdays and more

So amazingly its been about 3 weeks since I started this weight loss challenge with my mom and I'm still at point zero. I had lost half a pound but gained it right back over the next two weeks. I went on a camping trip and didn't want to miss out on the fun that comes along with camping, which includes eating chips and salsa while playing cards against humanity, making smores with jumbo sized marshmallows around the campfire and eating a hearty size meal after a hike or a game of wiffle ball. Someone even said during the trip "I love camping, all you do is eat." It was both hilarious and true, and while I realize camping is what you want to make out of it most of us want to enjoy the snacks. Then the following week came my birthday, and it became a birthday weekend celebration with a special family dinner on Friday, all day Universal Studios fun and eating on Saturday and a what-the-hell-I'll-eat-what I want Sunday. I've snapped out of it now, and honestly I don't regret eating the campfire smores, the home made cheese pie my mom made for my bday, or the churro that I ate on my actually bday at Universal, but I do realize I sacrificed 3 weeks of time. Point is you can have the smore, but not have 2 or 3 more because you already had 1. That's where I went wrong. I gave myself permission to go insane with the food instead of just enjoying a sensible portion of it. Some are very dedicated and would never indulge, not even on their birthdays or celebrations, but I'm not one of those people. No regrets, so I'm off to the gym right NOW!

The Green Eyed Monster

Have you ever allowed jealousy to derail your progress? I think this tends to be one of my cardinal sins. I wish I was built in a fashion that someone else's successes didn't feel like they were a direct reflection on me. It isn't that I begrudge those doing better than me or have it easier than me their happiness, but as I stated yesterday, I must subconsciously enjoy punishing myself. And, if it isn't punishment I am seeking, its definitely justifying my failure. I could have succeeded but...a..b...c.. and so on.

I wish I were one of those people motivated by jealousy. I wish I had an "I'll show them attitude" because that would definitely push forward my focus.

I get very lonely trying to change and seeing other people succeed while I am missing the feeling of support. My Hubby supports me a little by trying to catch 15 minutes of exercise with me in the morning. Since I shoot for 30-45 that still leaves more than half of my time alone. Then I walk, alone, to work. Then I try to figure out dinner, which also leaves me feeling alone, because it just isn't an issue to anyone else in my household.

When I reflect on the changes I am making, I wish I looked to others I knew who have succeeded as inspiring. But it gets me sad when these people who have finally succeeded are the same ones who let me down when we tried to work out and get healthy together. They were the ones who complained about exercise or suggested we eat out. So eventually I got tired of being their cheer leader when they weren't mine.

One of these friends was recently doing a fundraising event so that his friends would contribute to his subsequent plastic surgery. I mentioned that we should start our exercise routine again, because I needed the extra motivation and he looked at me confused because to him, I was the most motivated person he knew to do this. Its stupid, but you don't know someone's personal internal struggles.  On the outside they may seem fine or motivated, but inside, they may be a discouraged wreck. I didn't clarify. I didn't share my feelings of doubt or guilt that everyone has left me behind.

Another friend I have avoided hanging out with, she is a super nice person, but I remember spending a ton of time and effort trying to encourage her to just go for a walk with me. I guess you can see I was always a little desperate for companionship in this journey. Well after months and years of excuses, her family finally sent her to an all expense paid (we're talking six digits here buddy) fitness and health retreat for a year. And of course, now she is in a way better place physically and mentally than me and I am ashamed to see her. I can qualify it with, if I had a year to focus on nothing but getting healthy with personal trainers and nutritionists around the clock, I would probably be there too. But I am not privileged.  And in turn I want to punish myself by binging and hanging my head in shame.

Jealousy is a bitch.

One good thing is now, nearly a month into my grand experiment, exercise is part of my lifestyle and I am beginning to see small changes around my face and my mid section. I haven't had the big inch drop and I haven't been brave or stupid enough to weigh myself again. I am getting jiggly fat, which as I understand from fitness blogs is when you have burned off part of the fat cells and they are temporarily filled with water as a "place holder" which your body soon expels and you notice both inch and lbs lost. I am praying this is true rather than believing that working out is somehow making my flab more flabby.

I'm still trying to reprogram my eating habits. Trying to eat until satisfied versus eat until full. Its harder than it looks.

Hello, I love you.

I forget how important loving oneself is in a journey to a healthier place. I often forget that step. I am usually great at loving other people-- tending to their needs, praising their accomplishments, but somehow, I expend any love I should have had for myself on them. I'm really talented in punishing myself, however. Which makes for a bad concoction for motivation.

I'm trying to fall in love with myself again, despite the stress or anxiety, or even the jealousy of my friends and acquaintances that these lifestyle choices come easy for. I find myself comparing their successes to my failures, as though that is grounds to punish myself.

I should be loving myself. I should be celebrating my victories and counting my blessings. If I could just do that, I can accomplish anything.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Hello. Is anybody out there?

As you can probably tell, I'm still alive. My week had continued in the same vein as my last post with too much stress and drama, and not enough time or energy left to focus on myself. I did not, by any means, have my eating under control throughout my busy week of putting out fires, but at least I only binged once or twice. Even a small failure is a victory. By Sunday, (Saturday night even), though still dealing with drama I was able to regain control and to make more reasonable decisions. I think good food, like a roller coaster, or a vacation, serves a a distraction from the strain and stress of your day to day life. When you bite into a good eggroll or cheese cake, for a split second, the explosion of senses the flavor, the texture, the taste, the smell, all crowd out whatever else may be going on. Binge eating in a way is trying to force yourself into prolonged distraction, because when you stop shoving items into your mouth, you are forced to come to terms with what is really the matter... worse yet, you are forced to do so through the guilt of what you had just done.

I didn't feel guilty, guilt merely perpetuates the cycle. Instead I acknowledged it and used it to motivate adjusting myself back on track.

This week has to be better, right?

Of Sour Notes and Bitter Pills

Halfway through the week and I have failed to post more than this one blog. It has been an incredibly trying week. From Sunday morning this week has been riddled with stress and disasters. Halfway though, I am licking my wounds and trying to muster the energy to move forward. Once I make it though, I will be stronger for it, won't I?

Saturday was incredibly busy with family and friend obligation dragging us all over the Inland Empire and Los Angeles County. We ended last week on a relatively manic note which was a prelude to what this week had in store.

The week began with a frantic phone call to my mother. It seems my grandmother has been doing very poorly. She is in her mid-late 90s and stubborn as a mule and dealing with depression. She has decided to punish my grandfather, who suffers from Parkinson's, for being lazy by refusing to leave the couch and refusing to eat or drink for a week. All my Sunday plans were dropped in order to deal with this. My husband was a wonderful support in the endeavor. We had to forgo our plans to get outdoors or to work on personal projects. We even forwent on our necessary errands such as grocery shopping and laundry in order to help deal with the crisis. While the crisis has not completely subsided, we were able to get some food into her and schedule a next mini intervention. She is stubborn and refuses to live closer to her children who can offer assistance or even in a retirement environment. She values her autonomy, yet is stubborn enough to basically allow herself to become suicidal in order to punish those around her.

We made it home late enough that there wasn't time or energy to go to the store which has translated into some poor food options for the subsequent days out of convenience. There poor options in turn are wrecking havoc on my system and making it hard to get the rest I so desperately need after the weekend's endeavors. I am utterly disappointed in myself. I feel like I am failing at life today.

Work has been an absolute mess, with one of the "fixes" our new web developers have implemented ended up crashing our database which left me scrambling after hours trying to put our client fires and pin-point exactly what was causing the issue. By the time I head home I am completely defeated, and, of course forced to work extra from home as many of the fires were still kindling. On top of this, there is a teeter tottering with me and our web guys where they are constantly claiming "fixed" only for me to find the issues are still there and requiring me to repeat myself 4 or 5 times before the issues are actually addressed. Its a process I suppose.

Hubby's work has also been giving him the run around and it is rare for him to work an 8 hour day, often clocking 10 hours plus off the clock phone calls, so I can't rely on him to pick up my slack.

My brother is also not doing well depression wise, and this is making me concerned for his well being at the cost of my own. I play the role of the fixer in my family-- the person who is available in a pinch to manage whatever issues may arise. It can be exhausting.

I've come home ravenous and anxious and exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically the last few days. I have not even come close to maintaining my nutrition goals. On top of that, I seem to be getting added stress from friends whose good intentions have a negative impact on my current fragile psychological state. "You know the risk of Downs increases greatly if you get pregnant after 30, so you better not wait too long." *sigh* Innocent statements are weighing me down. There is just too much pressure in my world right now and I am so very tired.

My friend and mentor Saul Landau passed away yesterday. This political giant greatly influenced my life course and a big part of me is heart broken we hadn't gotten an opportunity to reconnect recently. I would never have gone into film or left my position at Cal Poly Pomona if it hadn't been at his urging. He had so much faith in me and was such an inspiration in my life. I miss him immensely. This news is also weighing me down.

The week is only half done, and I need to come up for air soon. I cannot continue to pretend to be swimming along fine. If you keep pretending, how can you tell if you're drowning?

My saving grace is that I have maintained my workout routine consistently in spite of the pressure. It hasn't exactly energized me, but I am happy I am not letting everything slip to the wayside. Got to trudge forward, if I keep kicking and remembering to breath I should make it out of these rough waters, won't I?

Baby steps

Now that I have working out down as part of my routine, its really time to pay attention to my diet. I never really thought I ate unhealthy, but portion is a problem. I like to feel full. Somehow that feeling of excess is comforting. I also mindlessly eat. I also obsess about eating whenever I feel deprived. I have many food triggers. I consider food a reward. I look to a meal as comfort. I get irritated when I feel I am being deprived. My food issues are 80% psychological, and 20% physical.

I'm probably going to spend a few weeks if not the remaining 180+ days obsessing over my food issues. I think its kind of a therapy to admit your shortcomings and the recognize your triggers. I already know I eat when I am angry or bored. I am much less hungry when I am happy or excited. I also eat lest when my mind is occupied by a challenge. I eat more when I feel deprived. The deprivation isn't simply the size of the meal, but also the context of it.

For example, last night I made salsa chicken, a relatively healthy high protein and veggie dish that can be served as a taco or burrito or over rice. My husband had it as burritos with a healthy serving of cheddar cheese. I denied myself the tortilla and the cheese, two fairly insignificant parts of the dish that brimmed with empty calories. Our dinners weren't all that different, but in my head I suffered through mine because I was deprived. Even though I wasn't.  Since I wasn't satisfied, psychologically I wanted to overeat. I kept to yesterdays promise, and channeled that frustration into a second round of boxing. Truth, I wasn't physically hungry, it was just a psychologically programmed need.

Another example, today at work, I wasn't particularly hungry before lunch and had packed myself a really nutritious stir fry with tofu and an apple. Eating something more or different never crossed my mind. Then a ad rep for a local pizza shop came in to give us menus and coupons and tell us how great their pizza was. Suddenly I found myself starving, with a strong desire for gooey cheesy pizza. It didn't matter that I packed a healthy lunch, I wanted it and I wanted to justify it. Well I've been so good for two weeks I deserved it. A cheat day! But I know I am an addict and I know a simple cheat day will throw me off the wagon. I know my craving was in my mind, not a need of my body for fuel. I stuck to my packed lunch and as I type this I am still fighting the feeling of being ravenous even though I KNOW I am not and that this desire for food is all in my head.

I think admitting these things will be a baby step to addressing the deeper issues of my learned behavior. Food is fuel not a reward. I don't need any more than it takes to power my body. I know these things intellectually, but emotionally this is a different story and I am working on it.

The Zen of Boxing

I'm a couple weeks into this experiment now, and getting up to work out or working out longer or harder than when I began is much less of a chore. It is much less of something I have to talk myself into. I feel stronger and more balanced. I am definitely more coordinated. In fact, this morning while working out, I found that I was in a almost trance-like state as I was working through my kick boxing routine, I was able to detach from what I was physically doing and mentally checked in with myself. I felt myself relaxing even as I was maintaining a rather rigorous routine of punches and kicks, and surprisingly, I didn't miss a beat. One of the things I most disliked about working out is feeling that lack of coordination one feels as a beginner. I hated feeling on display, and psychologically, trying to figure out the routine was much more exhausting than the activity itself. My mind would work overtime trying to figure out the next step rather than allowing me to get lost in the activity. I always allowed myself to quit when I became too emotionally frustrated.

I guess I am past that point. I am now at the point where I can zone out and appreciate the euphoric high of exercise without the mental anguish of self judgement. This is a feeling I've missed for many years. There was a summer in my teens when I spent hours working out and pushing through the pain and discomfort until I reached my zen. The beginning of my sophomore year, I was probably the leanest and strongest I have ever been. The problem was my three month stint without pressure from other people or obligations was not something I could maintain. It wasn't a lifestyle and in the course of the year, I reverted back to where I had started.

So anyhow, as I was going through the movements this morning in my workout, I felt that same familiar relaxation and satisfaction I had forgotten. It made me realize that maybe this should be my outlet emotionally. I've always subconsciously turned to comfort food when I was upset or discouraged or scared. Maybe what I really needed was to find my zen. So, assuming this weather cools down soon, I intend to force myself to do 15-30 minutes of working out whenever I feel myself getting overwhelmed or stressed out. This isn't like my morning mandatory sessions, this is more of a mini experiment when needed to see if reaching my zen  from exercise can distract me from my less healthy and more destructive impulses. Will I still want to binge after 20 minutes? If I do, maybe I really am hungry, if not, maybe I will come one step closer to tackling my demons and breaking my habits.

Pretty Face

There is a saying often heard by overweight people and intended as a motivating compliment "You have SUCH a pretty face, if you only lost a little..." There is a joke that goes along with this phrase about the woman who lost a bunch of weight only to find out her friends were wrong...

I don't believe beauty is contingent on size. I don't think losing or gaining weight makes anyone prettier or less pretty. Happiness and confidence make someone beautiful. Ask me. I have never been truly thin and I have never lacked for admirers. And, despite having been perfectly nestled in the "ideal weight" zone at various points of my life, I have never lacked for haters either. Only a woman understands this as men usually never face this petty behavior. Nor do they face the weight scrutiny to the same extent. Fat is such an ugly word I have heard thrown at the prettiest of girls. Remember when Jennifer Lawrence was "fat" or when Kate Upton was "fat" or heck, remember hot Lindsay Lohan during Mean Girls? She was fat too. I am not altogether convinced that the verbal abuse at the hands of other women didn't drive her to addiction in an effort to be thin. Here's a truth, I considered it myself. I considered how much easier it would be to be thin if I just took speed or cocaine. I knew people who were addicts in order to maintain a look. While working out has never been hard, dieting always had been. If only there was something that made me not want to eat...

Back to the face. I hate hate hate being sweaty. I hate sweating in front of people. This made working out a challenge. Because I always felt disgusting and like people were noticing me being disgusting. Not that I would look at their sweaty faces. Plus, I am cursed with a strong blush factor, so when I work hard, I sweat and turn red. Naturally rosy cheeks go into overdrive under exertion. So all my life, whenever I worked out ( or drank too much) people would ask me if I was okay. Which is nice and all, but does mean they will be looking at my sweaty face.

Nonetheless, With a bit over a week under my belt of regular intense workout, I am starting to enjoy sweating. I mean, its only in front of my husband and sometimes my sister, but still progress is progress. Gross admission, after a hard workout, I like to see the sweat bead at my pores. Gross, I know. But my face is getting so much brighter and clearer, because of the regular exertion. I imagine this must be why people benefit from regular visits to the sauna.

Like many women the first place I can see my efforts in is my face. Its not that my face is prettier per say, but just that it begins shifting. My eyes look bigger, my jawline sharpens and my face is more heart shape than round. I never lose my cheeks, but that is okay as I have grown to tolerate them. I find myself looking in mirrors more trying to discern the smallest of changes, because that keeps my focused and energized. So I will take my pretty face and allow it to replace the scale for a bit. The scale issue last week really got me down. I'm not strong enough to face it daily or weekly. I will add that in the second leg of this challenge. But for this first 50 days, I will focus on the things I have more control over, like what I eat and how I work out or how I check in and relax. My job for the rest of this quarter is closing out the negativity and focus on healing. In the end, these victories are more important than the scale.

Holiday Blue

One of the most difficult parts of sticking to my healthy routine has been dealing with family which is, not surprisingly, one of the expectations of a holiday weekend. This past weekend we ended up visiting my brother's house to meet up with my parents and a couple of aunts and uncles. Getting out of your own environment poses a couple of problems: Foremost that you lose control of your healthier options unless you choose to be rude, and too, that you come face to face with excessive amounts of temptation. From 8pm when we arrived to 7 pm when we left there were no real healthy options. From the fast food Thai when we arrived to the carne asada quesadillas and cupcakes when we left, it was hard to stay on track without seeming like a fool. The best I could do was portion control which I definitely accomplished, and sneaking healthier fare when people weren't looking, specifically an extra helping of fruit instead of breakfast bars or nachos.

I suppose that this dilemma could be alleviated by simply stating to everyone my dietary goals, but this also tends to be counter productive for me. When everyone knows I am trying to lose weight, I feel I get judged for my progress. At this stage that judgement is preemptive and discouraging. I am not even 1/4 the way through my experiment and I know my family well enough to know that they will respond discouragingly if informed too soon about my life changes. Nothing stings worse than working hard only for people you love to not notice the progress or celebrate the accomplishment.

My mom has had weight issues all her life, so there is a good chance she laid the groundwork for my own unhealthy relationship with food. My husband often asks why both my sister and I view food as love and a reward, and it makes sense that this behavior is groomed into us. Being that my mom experienced the same issues, she is often the first to respond that I am getting fat or that my face is puffy. If, god forbid, I let her know I am dieting, rather than offering validation by saying that this is a good thing, she often retorts "Well you really need to do SOMETHING about this" at which point she gestures to a problem area as though I had not even stated that that was my intention. This equals feelings of low self worth and guilt which translate to binge eating.  There are a lot of unhelpful things you can say to someone who struggles with their weight. Honestly, unless you want to offer them a workout or diet partner or simply want to say "Good job" keep whatever thought you have to yourself.  There is a delicate balance when someone is trying to change their life by working out a new routine, and a careless word can easily throw them off course.

Also, I hate the notoriety of people watching me succeed or fail. The extra pressure involved outweighs the goal or desire to better myself. I'd rather make my decisions privately and share my decisions and successes with those who I know will offer unending support. Then, everyone else can know once it physically becomes obvious. Even then, this isn't about a diet. This is about being healthier. Not simply physically, but emotionally as well.