Have you ever allowed jealousy to derail your progress? I think this tends to be one of my cardinal sins. I wish I was built in a fashion that someone else's successes didn't feel like they were a direct reflection on me. It isn't that I begrudge those doing better than me or have it easier than me their happiness, but as I stated yesterday, I must subconsciously enjoy punishing myself. And, if it isn't punishment I am seeking, its definitely justifying my failure. I could have succeeded but...a..b...c.. and so on.
I wish I were one of those people motivated by jealousy. I wish I had an "I'll show them attitude" because that would definitely push forward my focus.
I get very lonely trying to change and seeing other people succeed while I am missing the feeling of support. My Hubby supports me a little by trying to catch 15 minutes of exercise with me in the morning. Since I shoot for 30-45 that still leaves more than half of my time alone. Then I walk, alone, to work. Then I try to figure out dinner, which also leaves me feeling alone, because it just isn't an issue to anyone else in my household.
When I reflect on the changes I am making, I wish I looked to others I knew who have succeeded as inspiring. But it gets me sad when these people who have finally succeeded are the same ones who let me down when we tried to work out and get healthy together. They were the ones who complained about exercise or suggested we eat out. So eventually I got tired of being their cheer leader when they weren't mine.
One of these friends was recently doing a fundraising event so that his friends would contribute to his subsequent plastic surgery. I mentioned that we should start our exercise routine again, because I needed the extra motivation and he looked at me confused because to him, I was the most motivated person he knew to do this. Its stupid, but you don't know someone's personal internal struggles. On the outside they may seem fine or motivated, but inside, they may be a discouraged wreck. I didn't clarify. I didn't share my feelings of doubt or guilt that everyone has left me behind.
Another friend I have avoided hanging out with, she is a super nice person, but I remember spending a ton of time and effort trying to encourage her to just go for a walk with me. I guess you can see I was always a little desperate for companionship in this journey. Well after months and years of excuses, her family finally sent her to an all expense paid (we're talking six digits here buddy) fitness and health retreat for a year. And of course, now she is in a way better place physically and mentally than me and I am ashamed to see her. I can qualify it with, if I had a year to focus on nothing but getting healthy with personal trainers and nutritionists around the clock, I would probably be there too. But I am not privileged. And in turn I want to punish myself by binging and hanging my head in shame.
Jealousy is a bitch.
One good thing is now, nearly a month into my grand experiment, exercise is part of my lifestyle and I am beginning to see small changes around my face and my mid section. I haven't had the big inch drop and I haven't been brave or stupid enough to weigh myself again. I am getting jiggly fat, which as I understand from fitness blogs is when you have burned off part of the fat cells and they are temporarily filled with water as a "place holder" which your body soon expels and you notice both inch and lbs lost. I am praying this is true rather than believing that working out is somehow making my flab more flabby.
I'm still trying to reprogram my eating habits. Trying to eat until satisfied versus eat until full. Its harder than it looks.
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