Baby steps

Now that I have working out down as part of my routine, its really time to pay attention to my diet. I never really thought I ate unhealthy, but portion is a problem. I like to feel full. Somehow that feeling of excess is comforting. I also mindlessly eat. I also obsess about eating whenever I feel deprived. I have many food triggers. I consider food a reward. I look to a meal as comfort. I get irritated when I feel I am being deprived. My food issues are 80% psychological, and 20% physical.

I'm probably going to spend a few weeks if not the remaining 180+ days obsessing over my food issues. I think its kind of a therapy to admit your shortcomings and the recognize your triggers. I already know I eat when I am angry or bored. I am much less hungry when I am happy or excited. I also eat lest when my mind is occupied by a challenge. I eat more when I feel deprived. The deprivation isn't simply the size of the meal, but also the context of it.

For example, last night I made salsa chicken, a relatively healthy high protein and veggie dish that can be served as a taco or burrito or over rice. My husband had it as burritos with a healthy serving of cheddar cheese. I denied myself the tortilla and the cheese, two fairly insignificant parts of the dish that brimmed with empty calories. Our dinners weren't all that different, but in my head I suffered through mine because I was deprived. Even though I wasn't.  Since I wasn't satisfied, psychologically I wanted to overeat. I kept to yesterdays promise, and channeled that frustration into a second round of boxing. Truth, I wasn't physically hungry, it was just a psychologically programmed need.

Another example, today at work, I wasn't particularly hungry before lunch and had packed myself a really nutritious stir fry with tofu and an apple. Eating something more or different never crossed my mind. Then a ad rep for a local pizza shop came in to give us menus and coupons and tell us how great their pizza was. Suddenly I found myself starving, with a strong desire for gooey cheesy pizza. It didn't matter that I packed a healthy lunch, I wanted it and I wanted to justify it. Well I've been so good for two weeks I deserved it. A cheat day! But I know I am an addict and I know a simple cheat day will throw me off the wagon. I know my craving was in my mind, not a need of my body for fuel. I stuck to my packed lunch and as I type this I am still fighting the feeling of being ravenous even though I KNOW I am not and that this desire for food is all in my head.

I think admitting these things will be a baby step to addressing the deeper issues of my learned behavior. Food is fuel not a reward. I don't need any more than it takes to power my body. I know these things intellectually, but emotionally this is a different story and I am working on it.