Now that I have working out down as part of my routine, its really time to pay attention to my diet. I never really thought I ate unhealthy, but portion is a problem. I like to feel full. Somehow that feeling of excess is comforting. I also mindlessly eat. I also obsess about eating whenever I feel deprived. I have many food triggers. I consider food a reward. I look to a meal as comfort. I get irritated when I feel I am being deprived. My food issues are 80% psychological, and 20% physical.
I'm probably going to spend a few weeks if not the remaining 180+ days obsessing over my food issues. I think its kind of a therapy to admit your shortcomings and the recognize your triggers. I already know I eat when I am angry or bored. I am much less hungry when I am happy or excited. I also eat lest when my mind is occupied by a challenge. I eat more when I feel deprived. The deprivation isn't simply the size of the meal, but also the context of it.
For example, last night I made salsa chicken, a relatively healthy high protein and veggie dish that can be served as a taco or burrito or over rice. My husband had it as burritos with a healthy serving of cheddar cheese. I denied myself the tortilla and the cheese, two fairly insignificant parts of the dish that brimmed with empty calories. Our dinners weren't all that different, but in my head I suffered through mine because I was deprived. Even though I wasn't. Since I wasn't satisfied, psychologically I wanted to overeat. I kept to yesterdays promise, and channeled that frustration into a second round of boxing. Truth, I wasn't physically hungry, it was just a psychologically programmed need.
Another example, today at work, I wasn't particularly hungry before lunch and had packed myself a really nutritious stir fry with tofu and an apple. Eating something more or different never crossed my mind. Then a ad rep for a local pizza shop came in to give us menus and coupons and tell us how great their pizza was. Suddenly I found myself starving, with a strong desire for gooey cheesy pizza. It didn't matter that I packed a healthy lunch, I wanted it and I wanted to justify it. Well I've been so good for two weeks I deserved it. A cheat day! But I know I am an addict and I know a simple cheat day will throw me off the wagon. I know my craving was in my mind, not a need of my body for fuel. I stuck to my packed lunch and as I type this I am still fighting the feeling of being ravenous even though I KNOW I am not and that this desire for food is all in my head.
I think admitting these things will be a baby step to addressing the deeper issues of my learned behavior. Food is fuel not a reward. I don't need any more than it takes to power my body. I know these things intellectually, but emotionally this is a different story and I am working on it.
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Friday, September 6, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
Diet Detox
I think it is difficult for anyone who has never had food issues to understand what a person goes through when they are trying to change their lifestyle. Physiologically, food impacts the body in the same way illicit drugs do, offering those with an addiction a sense of euphoria and the panic of withdrawals. Detoxing one's self from a food addiction can be seen in a similar way to someone giving up alcohol, or meth, or smoking. The addictive pull is just as strong, however a food addiction is considered acceptable in society. Other addicts might have to find a dealer or hit up a liquor store when their drug of choice runs out, but food is everywhere. Further, most people react to those trying to quit smoking or give up alcohol or go to rehab for addiction by giving them support. With a food addiction, even the best intentioned people become enablers.
Unless you are a particularly cruel person, you won't address someone who has been sober for a few days with lurid details of your last drinking binge. Unless you yourself are an addict, there is little likelihood of you just happening to have speed or cigarettes in your purse to share with someone fighting to stay clean. And lets be honest, only pushers will tell you "A little taste won't hurt" if we were referring to any other addictive substance.
Food is one of the only addictions that is required to be a part of one's day to day life. Sure there are better choices than chili cheese fries, but most rehab centers suggest once clean going cold turkey. A cold turkey leg at a fair has 1,136 calories. That is a gateway drug if you ask me.
With food, you cannot simply change your environment and your associations and find your temptations gone. And worse yet, food is intrinsically tied to culture, so denial or avoidance of certain items could be seen as an offense.
I remember in high school I had gone Vegan for a while with a friend. I was probably eating the healthiest fare I had ever consumed in my life, but my dad was completely offended by this. It was an insult to his culture. Before that, I had lived with my grandparents over the summer in junior high. Again, I was on some healthball kick. And again I remember offending my grandmother because of my choice not to eat a particular dish. She had told me that if I didn't eat the food they made (even if I could buy my own) she would feed my cockroaches until I learned respect.
No one threatens you for saying no to a cigarette.
There are no advertisements playing on a loop on your local cable station for cocaine.
Yet food, especially bad food, is everywhere.
Recently, I had made it very clear to my sister and my husband that I need their help to stay on track. I need them to be the one's making the evening decisions with their heads on straight, because the hours of 5-10pm are the absolute hardest for me. I told them it doesn't have to be forever, just maybe 3 weeks until I get used to what I am doing and focus up. The response was positive, until 5pm rolls around and it shifts from "Sure I'll help you!" to "My work had donuts, I brought you one" or "Lets order Chinese, I'm craving fried rice and orange chicken."
Hello? What part of hard decisions and addiction did you not understand?
There are a million saboteurs in our daily lives. There are those who don't want to see you succeed because it makes them feel better about themselves. There are those who have been through what you are going through and still lack fundamental sympathy and sincerity because they have forgotten the journey or think your success makes their accomplishment less important. There are those who are clueless and forget that what you are going through is not easy for you, because it comes so easy for them. There are those who are too helpful to the point of discouragement. You know, the ones that constantly remind you that you "need to lose some weight" rather than focusing on the positive accomplishments or the fact you are trying to redefine your lifestyle. There are the ones that are starting the same journey as you, but are not yet ready or dedicated and since they don't plan to follow through they don't want you to either. I'm sure most of these people don't realize how discouraging their actions really are. But this is what makes breaking this addiction so darn hard.
I'm pretty focused today. Its still early though. I think my husband is legitimately on board to help me today. I know that I am doing this for me, but its so hard to do something when you feel you are traveling the road alone. I got up early and worked out, which was great. I also bit the bullet and weighed myself. I have a long way to go.
I have worked out my check in dates for this experiment. The times to reevaluate my plans and make sure I am still on track. These dates will be my mini goals rather than size or lbs goals which may be discouraging to track. And lets face it, this isn't about losing weight. This is about allowing myself to be mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. I plan to reward myself for every 50 days I can stay on track. Small accomplishments, but doable ones. I promised a friend I would allow him to take boudoir shots for his portfolio of my progress.
My check in dates are:
10/9
11/28
1/17
3/8
I guess I will let him take the first set in October. The threat of that alone should keep me on track... I hope.
Unless you are a particularly cruel person, you won't address someone who has been sober for a few days with lurid details of your last drinking binge. Unless you yourself are an addict, there is little likelihood of you just happening to have speed or cigarettes in your purse to share with someone fighting to stay clean. And lets be honest, only pushers will tell you "A little taste won't hurt" if we were referring to any other addictive substance.
Food is one of the only addictions that is required to be a part of one's day to day life. Sure there are better choices than chili cheese fries, but most rehab centers suggest once clean going cold turkey. A cold turkey leg at a fair has 1,136 calories. That is a gateway drug if you ask me.
With food, you cannot simply change your environment and your associations and find your temptations gone. And worse yet, food is intrinsically tied to culture, so denial or avoidance of certain items could be seen as an offense.
I remember in high school I had gone Vegan for a while with a friend. I was probably eating the healthiest fare I had ever consumed in my life, but my dad was completely offended by this. It was an insult to his culture. Before that, I had lived with my grandparents over the summer in junior high. Again, I was on some healthball kick. And again I remember offending my grandmother because of my choice not to eat a particular dish. She had told me that if I didn't eat the food they made (even if I could buy my own) she would feed my cockroaches until I learned respect.
No one threatens you for saying no to a cigarette.
There are no advertisements playing on a loop on your local cable station for cocaine.
Yet food, especially bad food, is everywhere.
Recently, I had made it very clear to my sister and my husband that I need their help to stay on track. I need them to be the one's making the evening decisions with their heads on straight, because the hours of 5-10pm are the absolute hardest for me. I told them it doesn't have to be forever, just maybe 3 weeks until I get used to what I am doing and focus up. The response was positive, until 5pm rolls around and it shifts from "Sure I'll help you!" to "My work had donuts, I brought you one" or "Lets order Chinese, I'm craving fried rice and orange chicken."
Hello? What part of hard decisions and addiction did you not understand?
There are a million saboteurs in our daily lives. There are those who don't want to see you succeed because it makes them feel better about themselves. There are those who have been through what you are going through and still lack fundamental sympathy and sincerity because they have forgotten the journey or think your success makes their accomplishment less important. There are those who are clueless and forget that what you are going through is not easy for you, because it comes so easy for them. There are those who are too helpful to the point of discouragement. You know, the ones that constantly remind you that you "need to lose some weight" rather than focusing on the positive accomplishments or the fact you are trying to redefine your lifestyle. There are the ones that are starting the same journey as you, but are not yet ready or dedicated and since they don't plan to follow through they don't want you to either. I'm sure most of these people don't realize how discouraging their actions really are. But this is what makes breaking this addiction so darn hard.
I'm pretty focused today. Its still early though. I think my husband is legitimately on board to help me today. I know that I am doing this for me, but its so hard to do something when you feel you are traveling the road alone. I got up early and worked out, which was great. I also bit the bullet and weighed myself. I have a long way to go.
I have worked out my check in dates for this experiment. The times to reevaluate my plans and make sure I am still on track. These dates will be my mini goals rather than size or lbs goals which may be discouraging to track. And lets face it, this isn't about losing weight. This is about allowing myself to be mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. I plan to reward myself for every 50 days I can stay on track. Small accomplishments, but doable ones. I promised a friend I would allow him to take boudoir shots for his portfolio of my progress.
My check in dates are:
10/9
11/28
1/17
3/8
I guess I will let him take the first set in October. The threat of that alone should keep me on track... I hope.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Peanut Butter Stress
Last night I came home bordering on miserable. It was so bad that I think I only got around 2-4 hours of actual rest, most of the night revolved around thinking and strategizing about work.
Rewind back to 5:00 PM. Work has been crazy for the last three months prior to this kick off of a new lifestyle. I mean crazy that involved crimes and lawyers and massive and abrupt changes to my work environment.
Rewind back further to the last time I was svelte. Before I first started dating my now husband, before my dad got sick and before my "adopted" granddad passed away.
Rewind further to where my first college director tried to do the unthinkable.
Rewind further to my best friend snorting a line of speed in front of me my freshman year of high school.
Each of these moments was met with the same learned reaction. To eat for comfort. To eat because no other reaction was acceptable or beneficial. Not that eating was that either, but it was private and if you ate enough your emotions dulled. Eat because it was better than crying. Eat because it was better than a breakdown. Eat because it was safe. Many of them were followed by a period of weight gain, then loss. Over the years the food/stress dilemma has become so ingrained in my behavior. A Pavlovian response.
How do you change that? How do you change things that you have been doing for half your life?
Last night was a particularly stressful night. I had come up with a very lucrative business idea and someone was trying to steal the rug out from under me. I agonized over the choices of remaining quiet and resentful or speaking up and preparing for war. I was too emotional to see other options. So I made cookies. Luckily they were healthier in the grand scheme of things than many other options, if such a thing as a healthy cooking exists. Nevertheless, not the best choice. My sister, my husband and I finished the batch, though I am sure I had more than my fair share. And lets face it, my sister and husband are skinny, so no one cares if they take the extra cookie.
My first direct challenge to address is to change the stress food response in my life. When I feel stressed I need to come up with a viable distraction that takes my mind off the stress and the food. We'll see how this goes.
Rewind back to 5:00 PM. Work has been crazy for the last three months prior to this kick off of a new lifestyle. I mean crazy that involved crimes and lawyers and massive and abrupt changes to my work environment.
Rewind back further to the last time I was svelte. Before I first started dating my now husband, before my dad got sick and before my "adopted" granddad passed away.
Rewind further to where my first college director tried to do the unthinkable.
Rewind further to my best friend snorting a line of speed in front of me my freshman year of high school.
Each of these moments was met with the same learned reaction. To eat for comfort. To eat because no other reaction was acceptable or beneficial. Not that eating was that either, but it was private and if you ate enough your emotions dulled. Eat because it was better than crying. Eat because it was better than a breakdown. Eat because it was safe. Many of them were followed by a period of weight gain, then loss. Over the years the food/stress dilemma has become so ingrained in my behavior. A Pavlovian response.
How do you change that? How do you change things that you have been doing for half your life?
Last night was a particularly stressful night. I had come up with a very lucrative business idea and someone was trying to steal the rug out from under me. I agonized over the choices of remaining quiet and resentful or speaking up and preparing for war. I was too emotional to see other options. So I made cookies. Luckily they were healthier in the grand scheme of things than many other options, if such a thing as a healthy cooking exists. Nevertheless, not the best choice. My sister, my husband and I finished the batch, though I am sure I had more than my fair share. And lets face it, my sister and husband are skinny, so no one cares if they take the extra cookie.
My first direct challenge to address is to change the stress food response in my life. When I feel stressed I need to come up with a viable distraction that takes my mind off the stress and the food. We'll see how this goes.
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