There is a saying often heard by overweight people and intended as a motivating compliment "You have SUCH a pretty face, if you only lost a little..." There is a joke that goes along with this phrase about the woman who lost a bunch of weight only to find out her friends were wrong...
I don't believe beauty is contingent on size. I don't think losing or gaining weight makes anyone prettier or less pretty. Happiness and confidence make someone beautiful. Ask me. I have never been truly thin and I have never lacked for admirers. And, despite having been perfectly nestled in the "ideal weight" zone at various points of my life, I have never lacked for haters either. Only a woman understands this as men usually never face this petty behavior. Nor do they face the weight scrutiny to the same extent. Fat is such an ugly word I have heard thrown at the prettiest of girls. Remember when Jennifer Lawrence was "fat" or when Kate Upton was "fat" or heck, remember hot Lindsay Lohan during Mean Girls? She was fat too. I am not altogether convinced that the verbal abuse at the hands of other women didn't drive her to addiction in an effort to be thin. Here's a truth, I considered it myself. I considered how much easier it would be to be thin if I just took speed or cocaine. I knew people who were addicts in order to maintain a look. While working out has never been hard, dieting always had been. If only there was something that made me not want to eat...
Back to the face. I hate hate hate being sweaty. I hate sweating in front of people. This made working out a challenge. Because I always felt disgusting and like people were noticing me being disgusting. Not that I would look at their sweaty faces. Plus, I am cursed with a strong blush factor, so when I work hard, I sweat and turn red. Naturally rosy cheeks go into overdrive under exertion. So all my life, whenever I worked out ( or drank too much) people would ask me if I was okay. Which is nice and all, but does mean they will be looking at my sweaty face.
Nonetheless, With a bit over a week under my belt of regular intense workout, I am starting to enjoy sweating. I mean, its only in front of my husband and sometimes my sister, but still progress is progress. Gross admission, after a hard workout, I like to see the sweat bead at my pores. Gross, I know. But my face is getting so much brighter and clearer, because of the regular exertion. I imagine this must be why people benefit from regular visits to the sauna.
Like many women the first place I can see my efforts in is my face. Its not that my face is prettier per say, but just that it begins shifting. My eyes look bigger, my jawline sharpens and my face is more heart shape than round. I never lose my cheeks, but that is okay as I have grown to tolerate them. I find myself looking in mirrors more trying to discern the smallest of changes, because that keeps my focused and energized. So I will take my pretty face and allow it to replace the scale for a bit. The scale issue last week really got me down. I'm not strong enough to face it daily or weekly. I will add that in the second leg of this challenge. But for this first 50 days, I will focus on the things I have more control over, like what I eat and how I work out or how I check in and relax. My job for the rest of this quarter is closing out the negativity and focus on healing. In the end, these victories are more important than the scale.
Showing posts with label Weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weight loss. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Friday, August 30, 2013
The Courage of Discouragement
I woke up today fairly discouraged. Although I feel stronger and more energized and am somewhat proud of my 45 minutes of daily high intensity working out to supplement my 2 mile walks, and I am definitely eating better. So what's the problem? That little demon called the scale.
I have been hesitant to write for the last couple of days, feeling like a squeaky wheel repeating the same complaints and frustrations. I considered that, if I continued repeat these sentiments on a loop I would discourage myself and box myself into this cycle of negativity. Instead I needed to reevaluate how I was expending my energy and try to see the encouraging rather than the discouraging.
Well then I weighed myself and found myself spiraling into the black hole that comes from putting forth efforts without rewards. I actually am a pound heavier. Drove me nuts. I cried a little. To work so hard only to feel you have taken a step back. I mean, logically I know I haven't, but emotionally I was crushed.
I started thinking about the root of the word discouraged. Courage. Funny the opposite of courage isn't discouraged, it is fear. Yet I have never thought that discouragement and fear to by synonymous. I don't think I get upset because I am afraid to fail or afraid to succeed. But then I took a close look at my reaction to the setback. My gut response was to sabotage all the good I had done simply because it "wasn't working" not to say I have given it enough time to REALLY WORK or to say that I wasn't reaping benefits. So was this really fear I was feeling? Was this a moment to push through because calling this failure was simply admitting to myself that I was not brave enough to stick something through until success?
I pushed through my morning workout and protein shake and packed myself a healthy lunch. I need to remember that the journey is just as important as the destination, and not to let my bravery be hampered by fear.
I have been hesitant to write for the last couple of days, feeling like a squeaky wheel repeating the same complaints and frustrations. I considered that, if I continued repeat these sentiments on a loop I would discourage myself and box myself into this cycle of negativity. Instead I needed to reevaluate how I was expending my energy and try to see the encouraging rather than the discouraging.
Well then I weighed myself and found myself spiraling into the black hole that comes from putting forth efforts without rewards. I actually am a pound heavier. Drove me nuts. I cried a little. To work so hard only to feel you have taken a step back. I mean, logically I know I haven't, but emotionally I was crushed.
I started thinking about the root of the word discouraged. Courage. Funny the opposite of courage isn't discouraged, it is fear. Yet I have never thought that discouragement and fear to by synonymous. I don't think I get upset because I am afraid to fail or afraid to succeed. But then I took a close look at my reaction to the setback. My gut response was to sabotage all the good I had done simply because it "wasn't working" not to say I have given it enough time to REALLY WORK or to say that I wasn't reaping benefits. So was this really fear I was feeling? Was this a moment to push through because calling this failure was simply admitting to myself that I was not brave enough to stick something through until success?
I pushed through my morning workout and protein shake and packed myself a healthy lunch. I need to remember that the journey is just as important as the destination, and not to let my bravery be hampered by fear.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Diet Detox
I think it is difficult for anyone who has never had food issues to understand what a person goes through when they are trying to change their lifestyle. Physiologically, food impacts the body in the same way illicit drugs do, offering those with an addiction a sense of euphoria and the panic of withdrawals. Detoxing one's self from a food addiction can be seen in a similar way to someone giving up alcohol, or meth, or smoking. The addictive pull is just as strong, however a food addiction is considered acceptable in society. Other addicts might have to find a dealer or hit up a liquor store when their drug of choice runs out, but food is everywhere. Further, most people react to those trying to quit smoking or give up alcohol or go to rehab for addiction by giving them support. With a food addiction, even the best intentioned people become enablers.
Unless you are a particularly cruel person, you won't address someone who has been sober for a few days with lurid details of your last drinking binge. Unless you yourself are an addict, there is little likelihood of you just happening to have speed or cigarettes in your purse to share with someone fighting to stay clean. And lets be honest, only pushers will tell you "A little taste won't hurt" if we were referring to any other addictive substance.
Food is one of the only addictions that is required to be a part of one's day to day life. Sure there are better choices than chili cheese fries, but most rehab centers suggest once clean going cold turkey. A cold turkey leg at a fair has 1,136 calories. That is a gateway drug if you ask me.
With food, you cannot simply change your environment and your associations and find your temptations gone. And worse yet, food is intrinsically tied to culture, so denial or avoidance of certain items could be seen as an offense.
I remember in high school I had gone Vegan for a while with a friend. I was probably eating the healthiest fare I had ever consumed in my life, but my dad was completely offended by this. It was an insult to his culture. Before that, I had lived with my grandparents over the summer in junior high. Again, I was on some healthball kick. And again I remember offending my grandmother because of my choice not to eat a particular dish. She had told me that if I didn't eat the food they made (even if I could buy my own) she would feed my cockroaches until I learned respect.
No one threatens you for saying no to a cigarette.
There are no advertisements playing on a loop on your local cable station for cocaine.
Yet food, especially bad food, is everywhere.
Recently, I had made it very clear to my sister and my husband that I need their help to stay on track. I need them to be the one's making the evening decisions with their heads on straight, because the hours of 5-10pm are the absolute hardest for me. I told them it doesn't have to be forever, just maybe 3 weeks until I get used to what I am doing and focus up. The response was positive, until 5pm rolls around and it shifts from "Sure I'll help you!" to "My work had donuts, I brought you one" or "Lets order Chinese, I'm craving fried rice and orange chicken."
Hello? What part of hard decisions and addiction did you not understand?
There are a million saboteurs in our daily lives. There are those who don't want to see you succeed because it makes them feel better about themselves. There are those who have been through what you are going through and still lack fundamental sympathy and sincerity because they have forgotten the journey or think your success makes their accomplishment less important. There are those who are clueless and forget that what you are going through is not easy for you, because it comes so easy for them. There are those who are too helpful to the point of discouragement. You know, the ones that constantly remind you that you "need to lose some weight" rather than focusing on the positive accomplishments or the fact you are trying to redefine your lifestyle. There are the ones that are starting the same journey as you, but are not yet ready or dedicated and since they don't plan to follow through they don't want you to either. I'm sure most of these people don't realize how discouraging their actions really are. But this is what makes breaking this addiction so darn hard.
I'm pretty focused today. Its still early though. I think my husband is legitimately on board to help me today. I know that I am doing this for me, but its so hard to do something when you feel you are traveling the road alone. I got up early and worked out, which was great. I also bit the bullet and weighed myself. I have a long way to go.
I have worked out my check in dates for this experiment. The times to reevaluate my plans and make sure I am still on track. These dates will be my mini goals rather than size or lbs goals which may be discouraging to track. And lets face it, this isn't about losing weight. This is about allowing myself to be mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. I plan to reward myself for every 50 days I can stay on track. Small accomplishments, but doable ones. I promised a friend I would allow him to take boudoir shots for his portfolio of my progress.
My check in dates are:
10/9
11/28
1/17
3/8
I guess I will let him take the first set in October. The threat of that alone should keep me on track... I hope.
Unless you are a particularly cruel person, you won't address someone who has been sober for a few days with lurid details of your last drinking binge. Unless you yourself are an addict, there is little likelihood of you just happening to have speed or cigarettes in your purse to share with someone fighting to stay clean. And lets be honest, only pushers will tell you "A little taste won't hurt" if we were referring to any other addictive substance.
Food is one of the only addictions that is required to be a part of one's day to day life. Sure there are better choices than chili cheese fries, but most rehab centers suggest once clean going cold turkey. A cold turkey leg at a fair has 1,136 calories. That is a gateway drug if you ask me.
With food, you cannot simply change your environment and your associations and find your temptations gone. And worse yet, food is intrinsically tied to culture, so denial or avoidance of certain items could be seen as an offense.
I remember in high school I had gone Vegan for a while with a friend. I was probably eating the healthiest fare I had ever consumed in my life, but my dad was completely offended by this. It was an insult to his culture. Before that, I had lived with my grandparents over the summer in junior high. Again, I was on some healthball kick. And again I remember offending my grandmother because of my choice not to eat a particular dish. She had told me that if I didn't eat the food they made (even if I could buy my own) she would feed my cockroaches until I learned respect.
No one threatens you for saying no to a cigarette.
There are no advertisements playing on a loop on your local cable station for cocaine.
Yet food, especially bad food, is everywhere.
Recently, I had made it very clear to my sister and my husband that I need their help to stay on track. I need them to be the one's making the evening decisions with their heads on straight, because the hours of 5-10pm are the absolute hardest for me. I told them it doesn't have to be forever, just maybe 3 weeks until I get used to what I am doing and focus up. The response was positive, until 5pm rolls around and it shifts from "Sure I'll help you!" to "My work had donuts, I brought you one" or "Lets order Chinese, I'm craving fried rice and orange chicken."
Hello? What part of hard decisions and addiction did you not understand?
There are a million saboteurs in our daily lives. There are those who don't want to see you succeed because it makes them feel better about themselves. There are those who have been through what you are going through and still lack fundamental sympathy and sincerity because they have forgotten the journey or think your success makes their accomplishment less important. There are those who are clueless and forget that what you are going through is not easy for you, because it comes so easy for them. There are those who are too helpful to the point of discouragement. You know, the ones that constantly remind you that you "need to lose some weight" rather than focusing on the positive accomplishments or the fact you are trying to redefine your lifestyle. There are the ones that are starting the same journey as you, but are not yet ready or dedicated and since they don't plan to follow through they don't want you to either. I'm sure most of these people don't realize how discouraging their actions really are. But this is what makes breaking this addiction so darn hard.
I'm pretty focused today. Its still early though. I think my husband is legitimately on board to help me today. I know that I am doing this for me, but its so hard to do something when you feel you are traveling the road alone. I got up early and worked out, which was great. I also bit the bullet and weighed myself. I have a long way to go.
I have worked out my check in dates for this experiment. The times to reevaluate my plans and make sure I am still on track. These dates will be my mini goals rather than size or lbs goals which may be discouraging to track. And lets face it, this isn't about losing weight. This is about allowing myself to be mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. I plan to reward myself for every 50 days I can stay on track. Small accomplishments, but doable ones. I promised a friend I would allow him to take boudoir shots for his portfolio of my progress.
My check in dates are:
10/9
11/28
1/17
3/8
I guess I will let him take the first set in October. The threat of that alone should keep me on track... I hope.
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