I still find myself favoring the exercise over the diet, despite the fact that I completely understand that weight is 80/20 in diet's favor. I am officially 1 month into this experiment and still surprised by how much I am learning about myself. A friends wedding is in just over 300 days so I am toying with continuing the logged and active dedication for 300 days... But I am hoping that by 200 days it will simply be a lifestyle rather than an active effort. I guess what I am saying is that, after 200 days, if I still find this to be an physical and psychological struggle, then I will extend the time and continue the metamorphosis to self awareness and personal responsibility for my health and well being.
Diet is such an extreme struggle. just recognizing my triggers is a feat, but recognizing them doesn't automatically mean tackling them. Baby steps I suppose.
My workout has definitely been taken up a notch, opting to bookend my day with at least half an hour in the mornings or the evenings, often stretching much further than an hour a day. I feel sore. But not so sore that I cant continue. I'm not minding sweating as much because my face seems to greatly appreciate the sweat bath, looking more glowing and youthful. I'm getting a little vain and enjoying what a pretty girl I am underneath all the stress and self damage. Its exciting to see the small changes. I am definitely losing (yes the word is losing not loosing as the internet believes) weight from the top down and really seeing changes on my face, neck, and upper waist. I never lose my boobs, thankfully for the hubby. I am DYING to lose the extra that I carry on my lower waist hips and thighs as that will greatly improve my wardrobe.
I would like to believe that this process isn't one of punishment and reward, but that the action is the reward in itself, but lets face it, I'm still a child and need to be reminded I am good. As such, hubby has promised me a shopping spree for new clothes at my halfway point and I am imagining looking forward to shopping. That in itself will be a major shift in my life.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Friday, September 20, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
The Green Eyed Monster
Have you ever allowed jealousy to derail your progress? I think this tends to be one of my cardinal sins. I wish I was built in a fashion that someone else's successes didn't feel like they were a direct reflection on me. It isn't that I begrudge those doing better than me or have it easier than me their happiness, but as I stated yesterday, I must subconsciously enjoy punishing myself. And, if it isn't punishment I am seeking, its definitely justifying my failure. I could have succeeded but...a..b...c.. and so on.
I wish I were one of those people motivated by jealousy. I wish I had an "I'll show them attitude" because that would definitely push forward my focus.
I get very lonely trying to change and seeing other people succeed while I am missing the feeling of support. My Hubby supports me a little by trying to catch 15 minutes of exercise with me in the morning. Since I shoot for 30-45 that still leaves more than half of my time alone. Then I walk, alone, to work. Then I try to figure out dinner, which also leaves me feeling alone, because it just isn't an issue to anyone else in my household.
When I reflect on the changes I am making, I wish I looked to others I knew who have succeeded as inspiring. But it gets me sad when these people who have finally succeeded are the same ones who let me down when we tried to work out and get healthy together. They were the ones who complained about exercise or suggested we eat out. So eventually I got tired of being their cheer leader when they weren't mine.
One of these friends was recently doing a fundraising event so that his friends would contribute to his subsequent plastic surgery. I mentioned that we should start our exercise routine again, because I needed the extra motivation and he looked at me confused because to him, I was the most motivated person he knew to do this. Its stupid, but you don't know someone's personal internal struggles. On the outside they may seem fine or motivated, but inside, they may be a discouraged wreck. I didn't clarify. I didn't share my feelings of doubt or guilt that everyone has left me behind.
Another friend I have avoided hanging out with, she is a super nice person, but I remember spending a ton of time and effort trying to encourage her to just go for a walk with me. I guess you can see I was always a little desperate for companionship in this journey. Well after months and years of excuses, her family finally sent her to an all expense paid (we're talking six digits here buddy) fitness and health retreat for a year. And of course, now she is in a way better place physically and mentally than me and I am ashamed to see her. I can qualify it with, if I had a year to focus on nothing but getting healthy with personal trainers and nutritionists around the clock, I would probably be there too. But I am not privileged. And in turn I want to punish myself by binging and hanging my head in shame.
Jealousy is a bitch.
One good thing is now, nearly a month into my grand experiment, exercise is part of my lifestyle and I am beginning to see small changes around my face and my mid section. I haven't had the big inch drop and I haven't been brave or stupid enough to weigh myself again. I am getting jiggly fat, which as I understand from fitness blogs is when you have burned off part of the fat cells and they are temporarily filled with water as a "place holder" which your body soon expels and you notice both inch and lbs lost. I am praying this is true rather than believing that working out is somehow making my flab more flabby.
I'm still trying to reprogram my eating habits. Trying to eat until satisfied versus eat until full. Its harder than it looks.
I wish I were one of those people motivated by jealousy. I wish I had an "I'll show them attitude" because that would definitely push forward my focus.
I get very lonely trying to change and seeing other people succeed while I am missing the feeling of support. My Hubby supports me a little by trying to catch 15 minutes of exercise with me in the morning. Since I shoot for 30-45 that still leaves more than half of my time alone. Then I walk, alone, to work. Then I try to figure out dinner, which also leaves me feeling alone, because it just isn't an issue to anyone else in my household.
When I reflect on the changes I am making, I wish I looked to others I knew who have succeeded as inspiring. But it gets me sad when these people who have finally succeeded are the same ones who let me down when we tried to work out and get healthy together. They were the ones who complained about exercise or suggested we eat out. So eventually I got tired of being their cheer leader when they weren't mine.
One of these friends was recently doing a fundraising event so that his friends would contribute to his subsequent plastic surgery. I mentioned that we should start our exercise routine again, because I needed the extra motivation and he looked at me confused because to him, I was the most motivated person he knew to do this. Its stupid, but you don't know someone's personal internal struggles. On the outside they may seem fine or motivated, but inside, they may be a discouraged wreck. I didn't clarify. I didn't share my feelings of doubt or guilt that everyone has left me behind.
Another friend I have avoided hanging out with, she is a super nice person, but I remember spending a ton of time and effort trying to encourage her to just go for a walk with me. I guess you can see I was always a little desperate for companionship in this journey. Well after months and years of excuses, her family finally sent her to an all expense paid (we're talking six digits here buddy) fitness and health retreat for a year. And of course, now she is in a way better place physically and mentally than me and I am ashamed to see her. I can qualify it with, if I had a year to focus on nothing but getting healthy with personal trainers and nutritionists around the clock, I would probably be there too. But I am not privileged. And in turn I want to punish myself by binging and hanging my head in shame.
Jealousy is a bitch.
One good thing is now, nearly a month into my grand experiment, exercise is part of my lifestyle and I am beginning to see small changes around my face and my mid section. I haven't had the big inch drop and I haven't been brave or stupid enough to weigh myself again. I am getting jiggly fat, which as I understand from fitness blogs is when you have burned off part of the fat cells and they are temporarily filled with water as a "place holder" which your body soon expels and you notice both inch and lbs lost. I am praying this is true rather than believing that working out is somehow making my flab more flabby.
I'm still trying to reprogram my eating habits. Trying to eat until satisfied versus eat until full. Its harder than it looks.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Pretty Face
There is a saying often heard by overweight people and intended as a motivating compliment "You have SUCH a pretty face, if you only lost a little..." There is a joke that goes along with this phrase about the woman who lost a bunch of weight only to find out her friends were wrong...
I don't believe beauty is contingent on size. I don't think losing or gaining weight makes anyone prettier or less pretty. Happiness and confidence make someone beautiful. Ask me. I have never been truly thin and I have never lacked for admirers. And, despite having been perfectly nestled in the "ideal weight" zone at various points of my life, I have never lacked for haters either. Only a woman understands this as men usually never face this petty behavior. Nor do they face the weight scrutiny to the same extent. Fat is such an ugly word I have heard thrown at the prettiest of girls. Remember when Jennifer Lawrence was "fat" or when Kate Upton was "fat" or heck, remember hot Lindsay Lohan during Mean Girls? She was fat too. I am not altogether convinced that the verbal abuse at the hands of other women didn't drive her to addiction in an effort to be thin. Here's a truth, I considered it myself. I considered how much easier it would be to be thin if I just took speed or cocaine. I knew people who were addicts in order to maintain a look. While working out has never been hard, dieting always had been. If only there was something that made me not want to eat...
Back to the face. I hate hate hate being sweaty. I hate sweating in front of people. This made working out a challenge. Because I always felt disgusting and like people were noticing me being disgusting. Not that I would look at their sweaty faces. Plus, I am cursed with a strong blush factor, so when I work hard, I sweat and turn red. Naturally rosy cheeks go into overdrive under exertion. So all my life, whenever I worked out ( or drank too much) people would ask me if I was okay. Which is nice and all, but does mean they will be looking at my sweaty face.
Nonetheless, With a bit over a week under my belt of regular intense workout, I am starting to enjoy sweating. I mean, its only in front of my husband and sometimes my sister, but still progress is progress. Gross admission, after a hard workout, I like to see the sweat bead at my pores. Gross, I know. But my face is getting so much brighter and clearer, because of the regular exertion. I imagine this must be why people benefit from regular visits to the sauna.
Like many women the first place I can see my efforts in is my face. Its not that my face is prettier per say, but just that it begins shifting. My eyes look bigger, my jawline sharpens and my face is more heart shape than round. I never lose my cheeks, but that is okay as I have grown to tolerate them. I find myself looking in mirrors more trying to discern the smallest of changes, because that keeps my focused and energized. So I will take my pretty face and allow it to replace the scale for a bit. The scale issue last week really got me down. I'm not strong enough to face it daily or weekly. I will add that in the second leg of this challenge. But for this first 50 days, I will focus on the things I have more control over, like what I eat and how I work out or how I check in and relax. My job for the rest of this quarter is closing out the negativity and focus on healing. In the end, these victories are more important than the scale.
I don't believe beauty is contingent on size. I don't think losing or gaining weight makes anyone prettier or less pretty. Happiness and confidence make someone beautiful. Ask me. I have never been truly thin and I have never lacked for admirers. And, despite having been perfectly nestled in the "ideal weight" zone at various points of my life, I have never lacked for haters either. Only a woman understands this as men usually never face this petty behavior. Nor do they face the weight scrutiny to the same extent. Fat is such an ugly word I have heard thrown at the prettiest of girls. Remember when Jennifer Lawrence was "fat" or when Kate Upton was "fat" or heck, remember hot Lindsay Lohan during Mean Girls? She was fat too. I am not altogether convinced that the verbal abuse at the hands of other women didn't drive her to addiction in an effort to be thin. Here's a truth, I considered it myself. I considered how much easier it would be to be thin if I just took speed or cocaine. I knew people who were addicts in order to maintain a look. While working out has never been hard, dieting always had been. If only there was something that made me not want to eat...
Back to the face. I hate hate hate being sweaty. I hate sweating in front of people. This made working out a challenge. Because I always felt disgusting and like people were noticing me being disgusting. Not that I would look at their sweaty faces. Plus, I am cursed with a strong blush factor, so when I work hard, I sweat and turn red. Naturally rosy cheeks go into overdrive under exertion. So all my life, whenever I worked out ( or drank too much) people would ask me if I was okay. Which is nice and all, but does mean they will be looking at my sweaty face.
Nonetheless, With a bit over a week under my belt of regular intense workout, I am starting to enjoy sweating. I mean, its only in front of my husband and sometimes my sister, but still progress is progress. Gross admission, after a hard workout, I like to see the sweat bead at my pores. Gross, I know. But my face is getting so much brighter and clearer, because of the regular exertion. I imagine this must be why people benefit from regular visits to the sauna.
Like many women the first place I can see my efforts in is my face. Its not that my face is prettier per say, but just that it begins shifting. My eyes look bigger, my jawline sharpens and my face is more heart shape than round. I never lose my cheeks, but that is okay as I have grown to tolerate them. I find myself looking in mirrors more trying to discern the smallest of changes, because that keeps my focused and energized. So I will take my pretty face and allow it to replace the scale for a bit. The scale issue last week really got me down. I'm not strong enough to face it daily or weekly. I will add that in the second leg of this challenge. But for this first 50 days, I will focus on the things I have more control over, like what I eat and how I work out or how I check in and relax. My job for the rest of this quarter is closing out the negativity and focus on healing. In the end, these victories are more important than the scale.
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