Holiday Blue

One of the most difficult parts of sticking to my healthy routine has been dealing with family which is, not surprisingly, one of the expectations of a holiday weekend. This past weekend we ended up visiting my brother's house to meet up with my parents and a couple of aunts and uncles. Getting out of your own environment poses a couple of problems: Foremost that you lose control of your healthier options unless you choose to be rude, and too, that you come face to face with excessive amounts of temptation. From 8pm when we arrived to 7 pm when we left there were no real healthy options. From the fast food Thai when we arrived to the carne asada quesadillas and cupcakes when we left, it was hard to stay on track without seeming like a fool. The best I could do was portion control which I definitely accomplished, and sneaking healthier fare when people weren't looking, specifically an extra helping of fruit instead of breakfast bars or nachos.

I suppose that this dilemma could be alleviated by simply stating to everyone my dietary goals, but this also tends to be counter productive for me. When everyone knows I am trying to lose weight, I feel I get judged for my progress. At this stage that judgement is preemptive and discouraging. I am not even 1/4 the way through my experiment and I know my family well enough to know that they will respond discouragingly if informed too soon about my life changes. Nothing stings worse than working hard only for people you love to not notice the progress or celebrate the accomplishment.

My mom has had weight issues all her life, so there is a good chance she laid the groundwork for my own unhealthy relationship with food. My husband often asks why both my sister and I view food as love and a reward, and it makes sense that this behavior is groomed into us. Being that my mom experienced the same issues, she is often the first to respond that I am getting fat or that my face is puffy. If, god forbid, I let her know I am dieting, rather than offering validation by saying that this is a good thing, she often retorts "Well you really need to do SOMETHING about this" at which point she gestures to a problem area as though I had not even stated that that was my intention. This equals feelings of low self worth and guilt which translate to binge eating.  There are a lot of unhelpful things you can say to someone who struggles with their weight. Honestly, unless you want to offer them a workout or diet partner or simply want to say "Good job" keep whatever thought you have to yourself.  There is a delicate balance when someone is trying to change their life by working out a new routine, and a careless word can easily throw them off course.

Also, I hate the notoriety of people watching me succeed or fail. The extra pressure involved outweighs the goal or desire to better myself. I'd rather make my decisions privately and share my decisions and successes with those who I know will offer unending support. Then, everyone else can know once it physically becomes obvious. Even then, this isn't about a diet. This is about being healthier. Not simply physically, but emotionally as well.

Into The Swing of Things

I have a routine down now, I think, and am finding myself really enjoying my morning and evening workouts. It is still like pulling teeth to get my hubby or my sister active, and I still cannot stand the idea of being on display because I am the only one working out in front of them. My morning workout is better because, for the most part, they leave for work before I do. This allows me the time and space to really push myself without be self conscious about how I look or whether I am sweating too much.

I feel I am in the beginnings of a good routine. I am learning my triggers and trying to keep positive moving forward. I still have a lot of work to do in the evenings as far as keeping on track, but other than that, I am in a good place.

I need to work on sleeping. I was told working out hard would make me sleep better. It hasn't. It has done the opposite. I don't drink a lot of caffeine or have a lot of sugar, so I need to figure out how to control my sleep cycle so I get appropriate rest. That is a huge challenge for me and I am open to any suggestions.

That Delicious Ache

Working out doesn't come naturally to most people. We have been trained in the art of convenience. Expend the least effort for the most productivity. This is what the work world teaches you. Work smarter, not harder. And if you have free time, is working out really how you want to spend it?

I work a lot. 40 hours in the office, another 10-20 freelance from home. This is when I am not on set. When I am working a film I easily put in 80-100 hour work weeks. Free time tends to get divided amongst home responsibilities that I neglect during the week (like maybe 2-3 loads of dishes and laundry... ), quality time with my husband, and quality time with close friends and family-- when I can get it. So with all of the above obligations, finding the time to work out can become as tiresome as working out itself. Working out tends to make its way to a back burner.  Sure, I walk to work most days, so that's a great built in routine.  I highly recommend walking or biking to work if you don't have time otherwise and if you find working out difficult. Walking to work forces me to get my 2 miles in each morning and allows me time to reflect on my week and to check in with myself.

Still, with the new healthy outlook I am trying to imbue in myself, I needed to make working out a priority.

One problem was my mind is incredibly active, so I tend to find traditional fitness routines and aerobics tapes a bit dull.  My mind cannot stay focused on them to the point of enjoyment, so I tend to quit earlier than I should or than I have to. Secondly, I am an extremely self conscious and extremely competitive person, so working out in front of people or with people I do not feel completely at ease with causes me to react in a couple of ways: one way being embarrassed that people are watching and judging me, because I AM watching and judging me, and two, that I push myself too hard, much harder than I am ready for because I feel the subconscious need to keep up. The first problem I am sure is all in my mind, but being that it IS in my mind, it is a difficult issue to overcome. I don't like to put myself out there for others to judge unless I am already competent at whatever the activity may be. The second issue is a physical one, that cause me to injure myself for the sake of pride, thus ensuring that I cannot continue with the proper pacing.

So how does someone as messed up as me find a way to stick to their routine without causing a physical or nervous breakdown.

I've rediscovered the wonders of the wii, and maintained a consistent routine for the last 5 days of boxing, karate, and dance. The game judges my form and accuracy, while simultaneously keeping track of my scores, time and goals. No one but a computer is judging me and I am constantly in competition against myself. I push myself hard, but not as hard as I might were I keeping up with a person who is naturally thin and athletic. It keeps my mind focused through constant feedback, but gives me the privacy to explore my physical limitations and rebuild my confidence. I have clocked 30-60minutes for the last 5 days and can feel the ache of physical accomplishment, but not the exhaustion of overexertion. So far this is working for me. Maybe after I meet my first mini goal (50 days in) I will brave working out publicly, but for now, working out in the privacy of my home allows me to spend quality time with myself and my husband, since he occasionally joins me for a round of boxing or Karate or yoga.

I'm still working at controlling my food issues. Eating cleaner, but I am still having difficulty with the evenings. I spent some time this weekend preparing healthy options for when I come home ravenous. I hope that this soon becomes second nature, because it can be frustrating and discouraging.

I also have began (restarted) protein shakes and bars for my morning meals and afternoon snacks. I find wonderslim protein shakes to be the best tasting if you need quick fix meals (like I do in the mornings) and they are reasonably priced.  Also, if you cannot get past a sweet tooth, bariwise protein bars are almost as good as a candy bar, and you don't need to feel guilty for eating 1 when you are craving chocolate and caramel. Here is a link to their website to order and you get a $10-$20 credit if you use it. https://www.dietdirect.com/rewardsref/index/refer/id/109949/

Until tomorrow.