The Onion

Choosing a healthy lifestyle is a layered experience. It is as much about tearing down as it is about building up and quite a few layers can be shed without obviously noticeable differences. Sometimes it is difficult to see the small variations because we are looking at something too close.

People are seeing changes in me. It is through their eyes that I am noticing the differences too. I guess its like peeling an onion. You can remove a number of layers but the onion will still be round. It is only when compared to its original self that immediate change can be seen. Self control is easier, not perfect, but not like climbing Everest. I have learned to be less emotional about the journey, which is great. There is a lot less need for support because habits are beginning to form. The small changes, a tighter tummy, a more defined waist and jaw line, these are victories that inspire further dedication and motivate me forward. I find myself contentedly working out alone and enjoying the time to challenge myself. Further, I am learning to be content wherever I am. I am not working out hard and looking for immediate shifts in my weight or looks. I am not desperately seeking a quick fix. I am now on the road to healthy.

I am learning what works best for me. I am still a looooooong way from where I want to be, but I know that there is forward momentum to this journey and I am learning to really appreciate the journey more than the destination. Life will pass us by so quickly if simply marked in destinations.

A momentary check in

So I've been painfully short on time, which has tragically kept me from checking in as often as I would like. The sleep experiment is coming along adequately. I have found that the valerian root tea is amazing, but leaves me groggy in the mornings, the mouth guard will take a lot more practice, the breathing exercises are wonderful, but so easy to overlook and bypass when time is an issue, but the breath right strips are an ineffective gimmick.

I'm still pushing through my morning workouts. I switched my routine and found that I had worked myself too hard on Monday which resulted in a rather achy and miserable past two days. Nevertheless, I worked through that pain and continued my workouts and my walking.

My eating is a bit more in control, but my stress level is still through the roof. I am hoping the carousel slows down so I can get off it soon and feel I am moving forward more. Nearly at the 50 day mark. Thinking 200 days wont be enough... We'll see.

The A-B-C's of Zzzzzzs

A lot of this blog has talked about diet and exercise and stress. All of these are fundamental obstacles to my overall health. As I begin to tackle them I realize that managing my health isn't simply like finding a combination on a combination lock, rather it is layered like an onion. Each of these layers is riddled with a cause and effect scenario.

Do I stress because I don't exercise enough or do I not exercise enough because I'm stressed?
Does my intake hurt my output or vice versa?

The truth is everything about one's health is a push pull effect. I am stressed and don't eat well, because I am not working out enough. I am not working out enough or eating well because I am stressed. Eating poorly is the reason I am stressed and have no energy to work out. Understanding my health is like solving the mystery of the chicken versus the egg. Which came first? Did they both arrive together.

A couple big hurdles to my health and well being are my sleep issues. Poor sleep causes a lack of energy (yeah, duh) but also lowers one's will power, makes one feel hungrier, leads to weight gain, and makes one prone to depression and anxiety.

Up until this point, other than "trying to get more sleep" I havent really done much to address my issues. I inherited a lot from my dad: His keen sense of observation, his analytical mind, his drive towards excellence. I also inherited his insomnia and his sleep apnea. Like my dad, I haven't done much to approach the problem aside  from being prescribed sleeping pills as a teenager. I didn't like the way they felt or having to rely on a chemical to get rest, so I didn't continue taking them.

I've been considering what I eat and when I work out in terms of sleep, but that hasn't made much effect. I am beginning to wonder if my sleepless is, after all, more of the cause than the effect.

Now that the exercising has become second nature, I have decided to tackle sleep rather than food. I know throughout my life whenever I've been rested I have had a ton of energy and self control and dropped inches fast. I also know that I go through bouts of poor sleep that last months at a time.

I'm a functional zombie.

I've tried meditative music and yoga. My trouble is definitely staying asleep long enough for my body to really repair itself. Most nights the best sleep I get is after 5:00am, which isn't good if one still works in the morning.

My apnea is less consistent than my insomnia. It really only comes out in full force when I've been suffering from sleeplessness and anxiety. This is not to say it isn't there, just that its less severe when I am not stressed. One of the symptoms of mild apnea is repeated awakenings throughout the evening-- that totally happens even when it has been months since I've woken up gasping for air.

Anyhow, I decided to experiment with ways to sleep better. I've invested in some mildly calming organic bedtime tea, a good sleep guided meditation, a jaw guard to help keep my airways from collapsing (I'm petrified of this), some breathright strips for the same reason, and Frolov's breathing device to help me strengthen my lunch capacity.

I know this must seem excessive, but for anyone who has ever spent 85% of their nights tossing and turning, you don't know how frustrating it is to not sleep, when sleeping should be the easiest thing in the world.

Hopefully, once I retrain myself to rest, the clean diet and low stress lifestyle will be accomplishable, but deep down I know, unless I am able to rest, I'll never truly be able to be healthy.

Second Nature

They say the hardest part about weight loss is the maintenance. They say the hardest part about getting healthy is the first few steps of making a decision to BE healthy. I agree with both these arguments. The problem in both cases is habit. Breaking a habit and reverting back to a habit.

On the breaking a habit point, the thing that hurts the most is self judgement. When taking the first baby steps to a healthy lifestyle, one becomes hyper aware of themselves and the way that people might perceive them. I've been known to tone down a work out or two or eat something I shouldn't because I didn't want to be seen as the girl on a diet. I didn't want that judgement to weigh on my shoulders because I was already judging myself.

Once you meet a goal, the issue moves from judgement to complacency. Lets face it, our most unhealthy habits are the most comfortable. Like slipping into a threadbare t-shirt and sweats. Does it look good? No. Does it feel great? Sure. Because it is easy.

Change is always a struggle. So it is important not to see the journey in terms of failure or success. It shouldn't have a beginning or end. There shouldn't be an accomplishable goal because that is simply setting yourself up for failure. Instead change should be part of a metamorphosis. A new way of life, that you are continually growing and learning about.  You can never admit to yourself that you did a good job, because the result will be complacency. Instead, I am learning that the journey is unending and the further I go the more I will understand and the more I will realize I still don't know. This is the heart of dedication.

Dear Wagon, I'm still on you!

I am not one of those people who should be allowed cheat days. Cheat days or meals or even snacks have a snowballing impact on my bad behavior. So, in so much as possible, I have remained "Good".

Good doesn't always yield results and therefore, good can be frustrating.

I really have kicked up working out a notch, which in turn has resulted in my routine beginning to feel too easy. Just as I form a habit the habit itself becomes a crutch. I feel that the longer I work out, the more often I am "dialing it in" so I need to find something that offers the right amount of stick-to-it-ness and challenge.

I've come to grips with the fact that changing my evening meal is like climbing Everest. I thought maybe more practical steps were the way to go. This last week, in spite of a crazy work schedule, I have been focusing on relaxation and better sleep. I am incorporating more yoga and meditation into my life and trying to get to bed earlier so I can wake up earlier and be productive. Insomnia has always been a challenge but if I can conquer insomnia it will be that much easier to control my diet as lack of sleep has been tied to hunger and weight gain.

Anyhow, work is still a madhouse so I'll have to write more soon.

Lets kick this up a notch!

I still find myself favoring the exercise over the diet, despite the fact that I completely understand that weight is 80/20 in diet's favor. I am officially 1 month into this experiment and still surprised by how much I am learning about myself. A friends wedding is in just over 300 days so I am toying with continuing the logged and active dedication for 300 days... But I am hoping that by 200 days it will simply be a lifestyle rather than an active effort. I guess what I am saying is that, after 200 days, if I still find this to be an physical and psychological struggle, then I will extend the time and continue the metamorphosis to self awareness and personal responsibility for my health and well being.

Diet is such an extreme struggle. just recognizing my triggers is a feat, but recognizing them doesn't automatically mean tackling them. Baby steps I suppose.

My workout has definitely been taken up a notch, opting to bookend my day with at least half an hour in the mornings or the evenings, often stretching much further than an hour a day. I feel sore. But not so sore that I cant continue. I'm not minding sweating as much because my face seems to greatly appreciate the sweat bath, looking more glowing and youthful. I'm getting a little vain and enjoying what a pretty girl I am underneath all the stress and self damage. Its exciting to see the small changes. I am definitely losing (yes the word is losing not loosing as the internet believes) weight from the top down and really seeing changes on my face, neck, and upper waist. I never lose my boobs, thankfully for the hubby. I am DYING to lose the extra that I carry on my lower waist hips and thighs as that will greatly improve my wardrobe.

I would like to believe that this process isn't one of punishment and reward, but that the action is the reward in itself, but lets face it, I'm still a child and need to be reminded I am good. As such, hubby has promised me a shopping spree for new clothes at my halfway point and I am imagining looking forward to shopping. That in itself will be a major shift in my life.

Polarity

Change is not easy, especially when that change is rooted to something as deep as perception. I have found that the first tenth of my experiment has taught me the highs and lows of this process. It is strange to reflect on this bi-polar existence of dogged determination counterpointed with equal bouts of elation and desolation. I find my motivation varies to the extreme minute to minute. One moment I can be pumped and having fun and working out and focused, the next I am depressed and lethargic and willing to throw in the towel.

This morning I was proud an encouraged following a long and intense workout, than I was angry and irritated by what I had not accomplished in my house because I was busy working out, then I went to shower and was certain I could see the physical changes in my face and body of nearly a month of focused dedication to fitness and active efforts on diet most days, then 20 minutes later the illusion was shattered when I discovered my too small pants were still too small.

The extreme emotional ups and downs are tiresome. The accomplishments in point of view are encouraging, but not sustainable. Still, maybe I need to look at this differently too. Maybe these emotional extremes are not a sign of being unbalanced or that the highs are unsustainable, maybe instead I should view it as the same way a snake sheds its skin. Maybe the moments of elation and determination is the new skin peeking through the dead skin I am sloughing off.  I hope so. Because I would like to believe self confidence is something more balanced and less fleeting.

This experiment is a game, and who quits after stage 1 of Mario bros because the Goombas were too hard? I just need to wait out this polarity a little longer and hopefully in the next 25 days or so I will see a shift to more of the positive and less of the seesawing.

One can only hope.