Dear Wagon, I'm still on you!

I am not one of those people who should be allowed cheat days. Cheat days or meals or even snacks have a snowballing impact on my bad behavior. So, in so much as possible, I have remained "Good".

Good doesn't always yield results and therefore, good can be frustrating.

I really have kicked up working out a notch, which in turn has resulted in my routine beginning to feel too easy. Just as I form a habit the habit itself becomes a crutch. I feel that the longer I work out, the more often I am "dialing it in" so I need to find something that offers the right amount of stick-to-it-ness and challenge.

I've come to grips with the fact that changing my evening meal is like climbing Everest. I thought maybe more practical steps were the way to go. This last week, in spite of a crazy work schedule, I have been focusing on relaxation and better sleep. I am incorporating more yoga and meditation into my life and trying to get to bed earlier so I can wake up earlier and be productive. Insomnia has always been a challenge but if I can conquer insomnia it will be that much easier to control my diet as lack of sleep has been tied to hunger and weight gain.

Anyhow, work is still a madhouse so I'll have to write more soon.

Lets kick this up a notch!

I still find myself favoring the exercise over the diet, despite the fact that I completely understand that weight is 80/20 in diet's favor. I am officially 1 month into this experiment and still surprised by how much I am learning about myself. A friends wedding is in just over 300 days so I am toying with continuing the logged and active dedication for 300 days... But I am hoping that by 200 days it will simply be a lifestyle rather than an active effort. I guess what I am saying is that, after 200 days, if I still find this to be an physical and psychological struggle, then I will extend the time and continue the metamorphosis to self awareness and personal responsibility for my health and well being.

Diet is such an extreme struggle. just recognizing my triggers is a feat, but recognizing them doesn't automatically mean tackling them. Baby steps I suppose.

My workout has definitely been taken up a notch, opting to bookend my day with at least half an hour in the mornings or the evenings, often stretching much further than an hour a day. I feel sore. But not so sore that I cant continue. I'm not minding sweating as much because my face seems to greatly appreciate the sweat bath, looking more glowing and youthful. I'm getting a little vain and enjoying what a pretty girl I am underneath all the stress and self damage. Its exciting to see the small changes. I am definitely losing (yes the word is losing not loosing as the internet believes) weight from the top down and really seeing changes on my face, neck, and upper waist. I never lose my boobs, thankfully for the hubby. I am DYING to lose the extra that I carry on my lower waist hips and thighs as that will greatly improve my wardrobe.

I would like to believe that this process isn't one of punishment and reward, but that the action is the reward in itself, but lets face it, I'm still a child and need to be reminded I am good. As such, hubby has promised me a shopping spree for new clothes at my halfway point and I am imagining looking forward to shopping. That in itself will be a major shift in my life.

Polarity

Change is not easy, especially when that change is rooted to something as deep as perception. I have found that the first tenth of my experiment has taught me the highs and lows of this process. It is strange to reflect on this bi-polar existence of dogged determination counterpointed with equal bouts of elation and desolation. I find my motivation varies to the extreme minute to minute. One moment I can be pumped and having fun and working out and focused, the next I am depressed and lethargic and willing to throw in the towel.

This morning I was proud an encouraged following a long and intense workout, than I was angry and irritated by what I had not accomplished in my house because I was busy working out, then I went to shower and was certain I could see the physical changes in my face and body of nearly a month of focused dedication to fitness and active efforts on diet most days, then 20 minutes later the illusion was shattered when I discovered my too small pants were still too small.

The extreme emotional ups and downs are tiresome. The accomplishments in point of view are encouraging, but not sustainable. Still, maybe I need to look at this differently too. Maybe these emotional extremes are not a sign of being unbalanced or that the highs are unsustainable, maybe instead I should view it as the same way a snake sheds its skin. Maybe the moments of elation and determination is the new skin peeking through the dead skin I am sloughing off.  I hope so. Because I would like to believe self confidence is something more balanced and less fleeting.

This experiment is a game, and who quits after stage 1 of Mario bros because the Goombas were too hard? I just need to wait out this polarity a little longer and hopefully in the next 25 days or so I will see a shift to more of the positive and less of the seesawing.

One can only hope.

Birthdays and more

So amazingly its been about 3 weeks since I started this weight loss challenge with my mom and I'm still at point zero. I had lost half a pound but gained it right back over the next two weeks. I went on a camping trip and didn't want to miss out on the fun that comes along with camping, which includes eating chips and salsa while playing cards against humanity, making smores with jumbo sized marshmallows around the campfire and eating a hearty size meal after a hike or a game of wiffle ball. Someone even said during the trip "I love camping, all you do is eat." It was both hilarious and true, and while I realize camping is what you want to make out of it most of us want to enjoy the snacks. Then the following week came my birthday, and it became a birthday weekend celebration with a special family dinner on Friday, all day Universal Studios fun and eating on Saturday and a what-the-hell-I'll-eat-what I want Sunday. I've snapped out of it now, and honestly I don't regret eating the campfire smores, the home made cheese pie my mom made for my bday, or the churro that I ate on my actually bday at Universal, but I do realize I sacrificed 3 weeks of time. Point is you can have the smore, but not have 2 or 3 more because you already had 1. That's where I went wrong. I gave myself permission to go insane with the food instead of just enjoying a sensible portion of it. Some are very dedicated and would never indulge, not even on their birthdays or celebrations, but I'm not one of those people. No regrets, so I'm off to the gym right NOW!

The Green Eyed Monster

Have you ever allowed jealousy to derail your progress? I think this tends to be one of my cardinal sins. I wish I was built in a fashion that someone else's successes didn't feel like they were a direct reflection on me. It isn't that I begrudge those doing better than me or have it easier than me their happiness, but as I stated yesterday, I must subconsciously enjoy punishing myself. And, if it isn't punishment I am seeking, its definitely justifying my failure. I could have succeeded but...a..b...c.. and so on.

I wish I were one of those people motivated by jealousy. I wish I had an "I'll show them attitude" because that would definitely push forward my focus.

I get very lonely trying to change and seeing other people succeed while I am missing the feeling of support. My Hubby supports me a little by trying to catch 15 minutes of exercise with me in the morning. Since I shoot for 30-45 that still leaves more than half of my time alone. Then I walk, alone, to work. Then I try to figure out dinner, which also leaves me feeling alone, because it just isn't an issue to anyone else in my household.

When I reflect on the changes I am making, I wish I looked to others I knew who have succeeded as inspiring. But it gets me sad when these people who have finally succeeded are the same ones who let me down when we tried to work out and get healthy together. They were the ones who complained about exercise or suggested we eat out. So eventually I got tired of being their cheer leader when they weren't mine.

One of these friends was recently doing a fundraising event so that his friends would contribute to his subsequent plastic surgery. I mentioned that we should start our exercise routine again, because I needed the extra motivation and he looked at me confused because to him, I was the most motivated person he knew to do this. Its stupid, but you don't know someone's personal internal struggles.  On the outside they may seem fine or motivated, but inside, they may be a discouraged wreck. I didn't clarify. I didn't share my feelings of doubt or guilt that everyone has left me behind.

Another friend I have avoided hanging out with, she is a super nice person, but I remember spending a ton of time and effort trying to encourage her to just go for a walk with me. I guess you can see I was always a little desperate for companionship in this journey. Well after months and years of excuses, her family finally sent her to an all expense paid (we're talking six digits here buddy) fitness and health retreat for a year. And of course, now she is in a way better place physically and mentally than me and I am ashamed to see her. I can qualify it with, if I had a year to focus on nothing but getting healthy with personal trainers and nutritionists around the clock, I would probably be there too. But I am not privileged.  And in turn I want to punish myself by binging and hanging my head in shame.

Jealousy is a bitch.

One good thing is now, nearly a month into my grand experiment, exercise is part of my lifestyle and I am beginning to see small changes around my face and my mid section. I haven't had the big inch drop and I haven't been brave or stupid enough to weigh myself again. I am getting jiggly fat, which as I understand from fitness blogs is when you have burned off part of the fat cells and they are temporarily filled with water as a "place holder" which your body soon expels and you notice both inch and lbs lost. I am praying this is true rather than believing that working out is somehow making my flab more flabby.

I'm still trying to reprogram my eating habits. Trying to eat until satisfied versus eat until full. Its harder than it looks.

Hello, I love you.

I forget how important loving oneself is in a journey to a healthier place. I often forget that step. I am usually great at loving other people-- tending to their needs, praising their accomplishments, but somehow, I expend any love I should have had for myself on them. I'm really talented in punishing myself, however. Which makes for a bad concoction for motivation.

I'm trying to fall in love with myself again, despite the stress or anxiety, or even the jealousy of my friends and acquaintances that these lifestyle choices come easy for. I find myself comparing their successes to my failures, as though that is grounds to punish myself.

I should be loving myself. I should be celebrating my victories and counting my blessings. If I could just do that, I can accomplish anything.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Hello. Is anybody out there?

As you can probably tell, I'm still alive. My week had continued in the same vein as my last post with too much stress and drama, and not enough time or energy left to focus on myself. I did not, by any means, have my eating under control throughout my busy week of putting out fires, but at least I only binged once or twice. Even a small failure is a victory. By Sunday, (Saturday night even), though still dealing with drama I was able to regain control and to make more reasonable decisions. I think good food, like a roller coaster, or a vacation, serves a a distraction from the strain and stress of your day to day life. When you bite into a good eggroll or cheese cake, for a split second, the explosion of senses the flavor, the texture, the taste, the smell, all crowd out whatever else may be going on. Binge eating in a way is trying to force yourself into prolonged distraction, because when you stop shoving items into your mouth, you are forced to come to terms with what is really the matter... worse yet, you are forced to do so through the guilt of what you had just done.

I didn't feel guilty, guilt merely perpetuates the cycle. Instead I acknowledged it and used it to motivate adjusting myself back on track.

This week has to be better, right?